Monday, August 16, 2010

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 91: Lonesome Loser by The Little River Band

“Have you heard about the lonesome loser? He’s a loser but he keeps on trying.” – The Little River Band, Lonesome Loser

Of course I haven’t heard about the lonesome loser. He’s a dude that keeps to himself and also sucks. Who would voluntarily spend time talking about him? In fact, why is there a whole song about this asshole? It seems like he’s pretty well summed up in one line. “Oh, he’s a loser but he keeps on trying? Sounds awfully tedious. Please sing some more about this unfortunate man.”

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 90: Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

“I smell sex and candy here. Who's that lounging in my chair?” Marcy Playground, Sex and Candy

Why does this song always make me picture two Oompa Loompas just going to town on each other while Willy Wonka watches, lounging in a chair and playing with his everlasting gobstopper?

Here is the problem: Sex is amazing. Candy is delicious. Smelling other people’s sex or candy is just upsetting, mainly because you are not the one getting a blow job or a Mr. Goodbar. Also, because smelling someone else’s bodily functions is just nasty. You might as well be sniffing farts and peanut butter.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

What's Going On

Hey guys,

Just a quick pop in to let you know what happened and what is happening with the blog. A few of you know that I am also a writer/producer of comic books and television shows. I am currently neck deep in a new show that will be announced at the San Diego Comic Con in two weeks. This show has consumed my life and has left me with little time for anything else. I feel awful not updating this blog every weekday (something I managed to do for months). But I can't and won't do half ass posts. So I am taking a little time off and will update when I can. Sorry for the break. I am grateful that so many of you checked the blog and I hope to be back with some more entries soon.

Thank you so much for you time. It means more to me than I can say.


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 89: Africa by Toto

“The wild dogs cry out in the night, as they grow restless longing for some solitary company. I know that I must do what’s right, sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.” Toto, Africa

How in the fuck are you going to describe a mountain as being like another mountain? That’s like saying that my pet greyhound is fast like a dog. Well no shit. Does your Toyota get you around like a Honda?

This is the kind of shit I think about when I am alone, longing for solitary company, which is also impossible to have because the two words have fucking opposite meanings. You know what, Toto? How about just going back to plotting on how to steal Roseanna Arquette back from Peter Gabriel?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Ridiculous Swedish Lyric of the Day 88: The Sign by Ace of Base

“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong. But where do you belong?” Ace of Base, The Sign

I saw the sign, too, Ace of Base, and the sign said: “Stop.”

This song borders on making sense a few times. Some dude treated this lady pretty bad, I get that. Then the chorus brings the weirdness. Life is demanding without understanding. But shit, its not like life is all hummus and tootsie rolls with understanding either. And then, what is all this crap about being dragged up and into light? What fucking light are you talking about? Why do some people belong in light and some don’t? What the fuck is “the sign” anyways? And why does every Swedish rock group get compared to Abba?

Oh, I actually just did see “the sign” and it said, “Best if Used by 1994.”

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ridiculous Hair Lyric of the Day 87: To Be With You by Mr. Big

“You can make my life worthwhile and I can make you start to smile.” Mr. Big, To Be With You

So, this girl makes your whole life worth living. And in return, you kind of can make her sort of smile? What a shitty trade off.

Granted her last boyfriend sounds like a crapbag too, but then again, dating the lead singer of Mr. Big isn’t some kind of major achievement either.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


"Let me tell you about my brother. He is my lover from the same mother. He tastes like butter, under the covers." Le Sexoflex, Twincest

In a (pretty NSFW) video that is filled with insane imagery, one image grosses us out the most. Look, butter can be ok on toast or corn or pancakes, but fellating a stick of butter is maybe a step too far. If that is what penis tastes like, I am pretty sure that is why Mrs. Dash got married in the first place: To avoid all those buttery blow jobs.

Le Sexoflex - Twincest from Le Sexoflex on Vimeo.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: Anybody Seen My Baby?

“She was more than beautiful, closer to ethereal. With a kind of down to earth flavor.” The Rolling Stones, Anybody Seen My Baby?

Welcome to the phoning it in era of the Rolling Stones. Look, this girl is two opposites: “Down to Earth” and “Ethereal!” Is she also a blonde with a kind of brunette look? Brainy with a kind of casual dumb? Leggy but with amazing boobs? I guess it’s only fitting that Mick would be into a woman that can be described as opposites since The Rolling Stones could have two opposites thrown at them too: “Legendary Musicians” and “Lots of Shitty Songs too.”

Let’s be honest: this song, as well as most of the album Bridges to Babylon, is about 8 shades of embarrassing. As much as I love the Stones, I don’t think anyone can justify Biz Markie rapping on top of a song that was lifted from k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving.” Of course, a very young Angelina Jolie is in the video and Biz isn’t, so maybe the Stones weren’t completely creatively bankrupt.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 84: Get It On (Bang a Gong) by T. Rex

“Well, you're built like a car, you've got a hub cap diamond star halo. You're built like a car, oh yeah. Well you're an untamed youth, that's the truth, with your cloak full of eagles. You’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.” – T. Rex – Get It On (Bang a Gong)

Aside from all the drugged out ramblings of a mad man (what in the hell was Marc Bolan on where his girlfriend appeared to be wearing a jacket full of endangered wildlife?), nothing makes a woman feel hotter than when you compare her to a heavy ass hunk of metal. “Hey, baby. I like the way you can accommodate several men at once, just like my car. Now put this cloak full of screeching birds on and hop inside of yourself.”

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Ridiculous Threat Lyric of the Day 83: Laura by The Scissor Sisters

“This will be the last time I ever do your hair.” Scissor Sisters, Laura

Threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll do their hair is somewhere on par with threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll ever do their dishes. OK. Great. Someone else will do it. Or it won’t get done. Who gives a shit? No lines no waiting at Supercutz, bitch.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Ridiculous Rhyme That Doesn't Make Sense 82: Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues) by Three Dog Night

“Play somethin' sweet, play somethin' mellow. Play somethin' I can sink my teeth in like Jello. Play something I can understand. Play me some Brickyard Blues,” Three Dog Night, Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues)

Three Dog Night is bringing the funk tonight, so play a groove that is thick as hell, like a dessert that is mostly made up of congealed water. Frozen yogurt has a thicker consistency than jello. Hell, thinking about sinking my teeth into jello actually makes my teeth hurt because all I can think about is biting the spoon. This lyric is the dumbest thing Three Dog Night did since the time lead singer Chuck Negron ignored his doctor’s advice and ended up making his penis explode.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Ridiculous Lyric I Heard From a Friend (Who Heard It From A Friend) 81: I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon

“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore. I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for. It’s time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars forever.” REO Speedwagon, I Can’t Fight this Feeling

Nice job at making your boat absolutely fucking useless, REO Speedwagon. I’ve been in that situation before and trust me, don’t ever throw away the oars. You just might start to remember why you were fighting that feeling in the first place.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: Oh No, Not You Again

“Everybody's talking, showing off their wits. The moon is yellow but I'm like jello staring down your tits.” The Rolling Stones, Oh No, Not You Again

I hate it when gelatin desserts stare at my private parts.
Honestly, Mick, it is not helping your image as being old as shit when you compare your self to a dessert that only kids and old people without teeth are really excited about getting.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ridiculous Glee Cover Lyric of the Day 79: Poker Face by Lady Gaga

“I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, ‘cause I’m bluffin’ with my muffin. I’m not lying, I’m just stunning with my love-glue-gunning.” Lady Gaga, Poker Face

I won’t say that I know for a fact what Lady Gaga is talking about, but love-glue has got to be about semen, right? Which makes me sad for Gaga. The last time I got glue from a glue gun all over my hands, blood blistered up immediately and made a sticky, bloody mess. If that’s what getting hit with ejaculate is like for her, sex has got to be a living hell.

When Rolling Stone asked Gaga about this specific lyric, Gaga said, "Obviously, it's my pussy's poker face!” I am not sure how you can tell when a vagina has a poker face or not. They are usually pretty inscrutable, as far as body parts go. Although, I once did meet a vagina that was holding a pair of pocket nines.

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 78: Your Song by Elton John

“If I was a sculptor, but then again, no...You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue. Anyways the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen.” Elton John, Your Song

If I was a civil engineer, but then again, no. Sculpting involves using a hammer and chisel to create a hard and permanent shape out of marble. Not the best career choice for a guy who can’t even wish he has a sculptor for 10 whole seconds.
The whole song is about a guy who doesn’t have any money so he writes this song for his lover. Unfortunately the song seems tossed off as shit. “I don’t know what color your eyes are but I know they are pretty,” is about as unsexy a line as possible. And yet, just the first few notes of this song are enough to get your mom’s panties damp. The early seventies were a weird time for music.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ridiculous Lumped In Lyric of the Day 77: My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas

“What you gon' do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? I'm a make, make, make, make you scream. ‘Cause of my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps. Check it out.” – The Black Eyed Peas, My Humps

Nothing good has ever been associated with the word lumps. No one wants lumpy gravy. If you’re bad, Santa leaves you a lump of coal. And when you check for cancer, you feel for lumps, especially on your humps. There has never been a good lump of anything, and that goes double for Fergie’s lady lumps.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Ridiculous Existential Lyric of the Day 76: I Am…I Said by Neil Diamond

‘"I am," I said. To no one there. And no one heard at all, not even the chair,” Neil Diamond, I Am…I Said

So…does the chair usually hear you, Neil? Does it normally say shit back to you? Because if you’re looking for a chair to start hanging on your every thought, you might want to say something more interesting than, “I am.”

If I was a sentient chair stuck in Neil Diamond’s house, I’d probably want to kill myself. Your whole life would be a non-stop swirl of rhinestones rubbed across your face and the scent of Aqua-Net jammed up your nose. Then again, you would get to cradle Neil’s forever-in-blue jeans ass, so I guess there’s a trade off.

Why So Ridiculous

Hey guys.

So, welcome to the former Disgusting Lyrics and the current Ridiculous Lyrics. We’re not as disgusting as we used to be, but we’re still pretty damn ridiculous. Why did I change it? Well, a lot of reasons.

A lot of friend sites were afraid to link to a site that is blatantly called Disgusting Lyrics. And I get that. I used to work for a place that had “Adult” right in the title but was afraid to link to MGMT videos, so I know people get nervous.

Secondly, and more importantly…I was getting tired of writing dick jokes. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever do that again. It just felt like it was becoming an increasingly huge trap. The last week I wrote Disgusting Lyrics, I made an entry about Limp Bizkit. I knew some of Limp Bizkit growing up in Florida and long story short, they weren’t exactly pleasant. One of them way more than the other band members (I am not naming names but the really dicky one wears a red baseball hat and has a self-made porno and his name is Fred Durst). When I started making fun of Limp Bizkit and dredging around in Korn lyrics, I knew it was time for a change.

The site will broaden to make fun of lyrics and songs that had weird lyrics but not always filthy ones (although I know those will still be well represented). I also have a new Twitter feed, and you can still be our friend on Facebook. I also have a new blog that features a lot of my other writing in the world of comic books, cartoons and television and you can see that here.

It has been a fun ride for 75 posts. I really can’t believe I have written that many entries. Thank you for all of your support, your re-blogs and for emailing the site to your friends. I appreciate you all.

Monday, May 17, 2010


Hey everyone,

We have to take a week off from the blog for a working vacation. Sorry for the late notice. We have a couple of new ideas planned for when we come back and I personally can't wait to get back to the lyrics.

I can't say thank you enough to our supporters and followers. This blog was a fun lark and we keep it going because of all the comments, support and feedback from you guys. Thanks so much for everything.

See you next week,

Friday, May 14, 2010


“Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields. Sold in a market down in New Orleans. Scarred old slaver know he doing all right. Hear him whip the women just around midnight. Ah, brown sugar, how come you taste so good?” The Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar

This might be the greatest song about slave rape ever made. Hopefully, it is also the only song about slave raping ever made.

Mick Jagger has even said that he doesn’t think he could write this song currently because he would censor himself. Which part would be the part that went too far, Mick? The slave raping or the part where the raper asks his slaves why they taste so good?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Disgusting Underage Lyric of the Day 74: Age Ain't Nothing But a Number by Aaliyah

“Age ain’t nothing but a number. Throwing down ain’t nothing but a thing. This lovin’ I have for you. It’ll never change.” Aaliyah, Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number

This song, sung by the late Aaliyah, doesn’t sound that bad at first. There really isn’t anything objectionable about the idea hearing the song without context. But Aaliyah was only 15 when she sang this song. Oh, and by the way, the song was written be her then 27-year-old husband, R. Kelly.

Yup. R. Kelly cracked the top 40 with his ode to underage love. Age ain’t nothing but a number and the minimum number in most states is 18.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Disgusting Swingers Lyric of the Day 73: Afternoon Delight by The Starland Vocal Band

"Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite...I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite, but you got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight. Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight." - The Starland Vocal Band, Afternoon Delight

Every metaphor in Afternoon Delight sounds disgusting, but it's hard to figure out why. Confusing things even more is the fact that Starland Vocal Band was made up of two married couples who seem to be the perviest group the 70's ever launched.

"Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite" seems like it should be foul, but why? I mean, a penis equals stick, obviously, but is he calling her vagina a rock? If so, his ladyfriend should seek out industrial strength moisturizer immediately.

The fish one is even weirder. Is he saying that his girlfriend is the fish? Because it kind of seems like he's about to make some sick kind of fish smell joke. But then he says, "You got some bait a waitin'." "Bait" as in worms? Like your sex partner has a worm you want to nibble on a la a penis? So, you want to try sucking a dick? But then, why are you nibbling on a dick?

Am I reading too deeply into a song where sex is compared to a skyrocket in flight? Probably. Am I happy that metaphors about sex have pretty much disappeared in current music to a point where you just blatantly talk about sex acts? Probably not.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Disgusting Disco Lyric of the Day 72: Love You Inside Out by The Bee Gees

“I am the man who loves you inside and out, backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out, “ The Bee Gees, Love You Inside Out

The Bee Gees don’t love you just because of the way that you look. They love your insides. Specifically, the places that they can get inside of you on the backside and also in the more forward facing regions. And as you ponder how three brothers are singing at once in the first person, you might feel something brush up against you. Don’t worry. That’s just their “heart.”

Monday, May 10, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 71: Nookie by Limp Bizkit

“Maybe she just made a mistake and I should give her a break. My heart'll ache either way… I won't lie that I can't deny I did it all for the nookie (come on) the nookie (come on). So you can take that cookie and stick it up your (yeah)” Limp Bizkit, Nookie

Has there ever been a band that just screams “shithead” as loudly as Limp Bizkit? The backwards baseball hats, the sad little cover of George Michael’s “Faith,” the weird rants about other artists and the claims about having sex with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. We all get it. You are in desperate need of attention.

“Nookie” is the true Rosetta Stone of understanding just how sad Limp Bizkit really is. After whining about his girlfriend taking his money and sleeping with his friends, Fred tells everyone how heartbroken he is and how he keeps taking this girl back and letting her hurt him again. Why would he do such a thing? Why, he does it so he can bang her. Ugh.

You did it all for the nookie? That’s like a five year old being sent to their room and yelling at their parents that they wanted to go to their room anyways. Or a guy who gets fired and yells, “You can’t fire me, I quit.” Really, Fred? You let all your friends bang your girl and you gave her all your money because the sex was that good? I’ve seen your (very) sad sex tape, so I am guessing the sex was probably not that great to start with.

But don’t worry. Fred’s girl can take her cookie and shove it up her ass. Whatever the hell that means. Maybe you can tell her to eat some boogers and that her hair smells and her dress looks like poo poo, too. Way to go, song writing champion!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: It's Only Rock & Roll (But I Like It)

“If I could stick a knife in my heart. Suicide right on stage. Would it be enough for your teenage lust? Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain? ...Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya? Would ya think the boy's insane? He's insane,” The Rolling Stones, It’s Only Rock and Roll (But I Like It)

Nope, Mick. I am pretty sure if I saw someone stick a knife in their own heart, it would not help to ease my brain. It may actually hurt my brain even more. That’s pretty fucked up. If seeing someone rip into their own flesh and muscles satisfies your teenage lust, you are the kind of person who probably should not be allowed to have boners.

But I do agree with you on one count. I would think the boy’s insane. Because he is insane.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 69: Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) by Big & Rich

“Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy. And the girls say, ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy.’” Big and Rich, Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)

Welcome to the death of country music. Back in the old days, Johnny Cash might make a novelty song about a boy named Sue. Big and Rich have come along to strip away any kind of wit. Save a Horse, ride a cowboy? What kind of bullshit is that? It’s like that 70’s era slogan, “Conserve water, shower with a friend.” Except people actually wanted to conserve water. Who the fuck cares about saving horses from being ridden on? It’s like going ten miles out of the way to make some lame joke about some girl riding on a cowboy’s junk, except when you finally get there, the joke is still as shitty as hell.
Why is it shitty?

Well, first, although everyone has heard the word “ride” used sexually, it is never used like riding a horse. A lot of people use the phrase “do someone” to mean sex too. But, there is nothing sexual about saying “I want to do a crossword puzzle.” Hell, I say “fuck that noise” at least three times a day. Doesn’t mean I want to stick my dick in a CD player. So, congratulations for bringing horses into sex.

And secondly, since Big and Rich are the only ones actually riding horses in the song, are the girls telling them to get off a horse and fuck some other dude? It’s pretty clear that Cowboy Troy has his eyes on one of those guys.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 68: Whatever Gets You Thru the Night by John Lennon

“Whatever gets you through the night, it’s all right. It’s all right. It’s your money or your life. It’s all right, it’s all right. Don’t need a sword to cut through flowers,” John Lennon, Whatever Gets You Thru the Night

What in the hell was going down at John Lennon’s house in the middle of the night? My choices in the middle of the night are, “Do I watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air” on TV Land or “The Cosby Show” on Nick at Nite? John Lennon’s choices are his money or his life? What kind of choices are those? That’s not all right, John. That is actually pretty awful. And why is there a sword involved? You know who owns swords? People who are either way too into the Lord of the Rings or people who are way to into Martial Arts. What the hell is he doing cutting flowers in the night anyways? Here’s what will get you through the night: an Ambien.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

He Never Gives Up

First things first, I sincerely thank everyone for coming to the site, and especially those of you who have friended us on Facebook, followed on Twitter or have sent tip emails in to

I just wanted to take a quick detour and let you know about another project I am doing. Some of you know that I also write comic books and cartoons. I have a GI Joe comic coming out tomorrow, GI Joe Origins #15, featuring the character Snow Job. If you are into comic books, or just into GI Joe, consider picking it up this week. The early reviews have been more than I could have ever asked for. And if you’re not into comics or GI Joe, don’t sweat it. We will still have some fun here every evening!

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 67: Ice Cream Man by Van Halen

“I'm usually passin' by just around eleven o'clock and if ya' let me cool you one time, you'll be my regular stop. I got bim bam banana pops, dixie cups all flavors and pushups, too! I'm your ice cream man, stop me when I'm passin' by. See now all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy!” – Van Halen, Ice Cream Man

To be honest, there’s not a whole lot in the lyrics that are that filthy. I mean, yes, the idea of David Lee Roth having any kind of job that deals with kids is inherently weird, but not actually disgusting.

But when you hear ol’ Diamond Dave actually sing this thing, well, it’s clear that he’s talking about making an ice cream sandwich. By which I mean, he is talking about sex. And sadly, there may be no better current metaphor of sex with David Lee than a big olf Vanilla Sundae Waffle Cone. It may look like it is strong, but it has been baked for a while and is deceptively fragile. The toppings seem ok from a distance, but when you get close, you realize that the shredded coconut is kind of artificially brightened and actually kind of sparse. And if you don’t take care of it fast enough, you’re just gonna be left with a drippy white puddle oozing down your arm.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 66: Laffy Taffy by D4L

“Laffy Taffy, I’m likin’ this. Big ole ass you shaking, bitch. Close yo mouth and don’t say shit. Bend on over and hit a split. Girl, shake that Laffy Taffy.” D4L, Laffy Taffy

Well, over 60 entries in to this thing and I’ve still hit a first. Awesome reader Trish sent a suggestion in for the song Laffy Taffy, which I kind of vaguely remembered being popular a few years back. I listened to the song again and it was still as awful as always. It sounds like a handicapped version of a Ying Yang Twins song, which is no small feat seeing as one of the members of the Ying Yang Twins actually has cerebral palsy.

So, I mentally prepared to write an entry about fat squishy candy butts, but I went ahead and did my usual research on the song and discovered two amazing facts. First, this song hit #1 in 2006. And second, the phrase “Laffy Taffy” in this number one song is actually slang for a stretched out labia that one may see at a broke ass strip club.

What the fuck.

This is the first time I have been too disgusted for words by a song at Disgusting Lyric of the Day. This whole song was just misogynist as hell when it was about girls shaking their asses and not talking. Now that I know it is about worn out vagina lips flopping in the breeze, it’s just kind of sad. Also, is Laffy Taffy the best way to describe that on a lady? Laffy Taffy is colorful and stretchy, but also kind of soft and flowy. What about Jacks Links Jerky? That has more of the texture that you expect to find at your shittier strip clubs.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: Bitch

“I’m feelin’ drunk, juiced up and sloppy. Ain’t touched a drink all night. Feeling hungry. Can’t see the reason. Just had a horsemeat pie.” The Rolling Stones, Bitch

Actually Mick…I think I know the reason you feel weird and disoriented. It’s probably because you just ate a horsemeat pie.

Christianity, Judaism and Islam all forbid the eating of horses. I’m not especially religious, but when the Big Three can come together on a single topic, it’s probably in your best interests to just follow them on that one.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 64: It Wasn't Me by Shaggy and Rik Rok

“Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor. But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me). Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me). I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me). She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me),” Shaggy and Rik Rok, It Wasn’t Me
Congratulations to Shaggy, I suppose. It is really hard to write a song about an egregious cheater and still kind of feel grossed out about the person being cheated on.
Rik Rok is cheating on his girlfriend with the girl next door. Already a stupid move. If things go bad with a girl you are messing around with, normally you can just disappear. You can’t disappear from your neighbor though, unless you pack up and move.
So Rik Rok is banging this girl on the bathroom floor. And the counter. And the sofa. You know, all the places that most people normally like to have clean because they eat and live there and would not like it covered with mess from Rik Rok’s Kok. But what’s even creepier is that apparently Rik Rok’s girlfriend just stands there and watches the whole action go down. So, Rik Rok is either dating a super perv who likes to film her boyfriend fucking or a borderline retard. I tend to lead towards retarded person. Why? Because only a retarded person would ever fall for the excuse that the person they just filmed banging on the bathroom floor was not, in fact, their boyfriend.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 63: If You Seek Amy by Britney Spears

“All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.” Britney Spears, If You Seek Amy

In case you missed all the Fox News outrage, you won’t find anything dirty by just reading these lyrics that don’t make any real sense. But if you sing/autotune/whatever-the-hell-it-is-Britney-does, it kind of sounds like, “All of the boy and all of the girls are begging to F-U-C-K me.” It’s pretty dumb, and to quote another juvenile gag, it’s also sofa king wee todd it.

Beyond that though, I am pretty sure no one is currently begging to fuck Britney anymore. Sure a few years ago, maybe some people were willing to hit that one more time. Nowadays, no matter how hot she gets, I still can’t quite erase the memory of that bald butterball smacking a car with an umbrella. Plus, after having two kids, that weird goatee’d paparazzo and a Federline up in there, I am pretty sure her vagina could be counted as a FEMA emergency zone. After seeing photos of her walking barefoot in gas stations, I am pretty sure she can’t be considered a sex object anymore. In a best case scenario, getting busy with Britney Spears would leave your dick covered in Flaming Hot Cheetos dust. Worst case, she snaps into that thing like a Slim Jim.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 62: Rude Boy by Rhianna

“Come here, rude boy, boy, can you get it up? Come here, rude boy, boy, is you big enough?” Rhianna, Rude Boy

Look, Rhianna. I’m gonna be honest. When I first heard you, I kind of liked you despite myself. And then when I saw you, I really liked you. Like...a lot a lot.

So, I have to assume that if you have to ask your “rude boy” if he can get it up or not, there is a more than reasonable chance that your “rude boy” is dead. However, asking if he is big enough down there is a whole different ball park. Rhianna, if you have been having a whole lot of issues with either limp dicked or tiny peckered “rude boys,” I have to believe you are not trying hard enough. There is a whole nation of men who have had their hearts broken by this song. It’s like the equivalent of Meatloaf asking if his Macaroni and Cheese is cheesy enough. You know that hefty bastard can find cheesier mac and you know he knows he won’t rest until he finds it.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 61: Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye

“Baby I got sick this morning, a sea was storming inside of me. Baby I think I'm capsizing, the waves are rising and rising. And when I get that feeling I want Sexual Healing.” -Marvin Gay, Sexual Healing.

Alright, there are really quite a few things wrong with this one, so let’s dig right in. Famous people tend to get whatever they want. Artists tend to romanticize everything. Eventually, famous artists will romanticize something that makes no sense whatsoever, like blue balls.

The first indicator that the narrator is speaking from the viewpoint of someone who’s lost all touch with reality is simply the fact that he’s waking a woman up for sex. As anyone who doesn’t sell millions of records for a living can tell you, this is a laughably misguided tactic, even if you’re both drunk. The second indicator is announcing your sickness as a mood-enhancer. Can you imagine the reaction you’d get from your non-celebrity-struck partner after waking her up to say “I’m feeling completely sick. I want sexual healing?” You would likely soon be in need of scrotal healing from the swift kick you were delivered by the aforementioned partner before she fell back asleep or turned on the bedside light for a very long, very unfriendly stare.

Now, Marvin does seem to have some awareness that his medical need to dump his capsizing prostate into the nearest available human toilet may not be met with enthusiasm. He makes a hilariously half-assed argument that “it’s good for us” before changing the lyric to “it’s good for me” in the very next line. His baldly self-serving angle is akin to saying “Face-punching healing is good for us. Well, it’s good for me.”

I chose the video below because it allows you to hear clearly the closing to the song, as Marvin croons “please don’t procrastinate. It’s not good to masturbate.” Not good for who, Marvin? Not good for who?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Rolling Stone Fridays!!!: Rough Justice

“One time you were my baby chicken, now you've grown into a fox. Once upon a time I was your little rooster, but am I just one of your cocks?” The Rolling Stones, Rough Justice

Mick Jagger was 62 when the song “Rough Justice” came out. I only say that because, Jesus, this song is creepy. Apparently, in this song, Mick was dating a younger girl who undergoes a metamorphosis from sweet young thing to devilish vixen. But you know what, that’s something like a 20 year-old-does. Not something a 36 year-old-does.

So, creepy 60 something Mick is chasing a (much) younger lady. Disgusting enough. But Mick asks her, “Am I just one of your cocks?” God, Jesus, fuck, I hope so. The idea of a 62 year old comparing their half-rigid droopy boner to a bunch of 25-year-old erections is just depressing. No one wants to be the oldest dude at the circle jerk, Mick. Just take your saggy balls and go home.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 59: My Chick Bad by Ludacris

“Coming down the street like a parade, Macy's, I fill her up balloons.
Test her and guns get drawn like cartoons. D’oh, but I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Homer. Chick so bad the whole crew wanna bone her.” Ludacris, My Chick Bad

One important question that is often overlooked in selecting a lady friend is: Do my friends really want to bone her? Sure, having your friends and girlfriend getting along is nice, but you really want to make sure that every time you leave the room, your friends are desperate to get into her pants.

But if they don’t want to bang her right away, don’t be discouraged. Just take her to the doctor and have her breasts enlarged to cartoonish, some would say balloon-like, proportions. Really whore her up some.

This advice may not be for everyone, but Spencer Pratt swears by it, and it’s worked pretty well so far.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 58: Oh, What a Night by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

“You know, I didn't even know her name, but I was never gonna be the same. What a lady. What a night. Oh, I…I got a funny feeling when she walked in the room and I, as I recall it ended much too soon.” – The Four Tops, Oh, What a Night

Welcome to the creepiest song about losing your virginity ever made. The story, as such, finds Frankie Valli seeing a woman walk in a room and getting an uncontrollable boner. He never asks her what her name is and once they have sex, he ejaculates so quickly it is an unsatisfying experience for all involved. Frankie’s right! What a fun night!

Of course, many people have bad or awkward first times. Not everyone sets them to the happiest faux-Motown music that makes it seem like your pathetic and shameful squirtings were actually an amazing life moment.

I came to hate this song when I heard it a Bar Mitzvah. There is nothing creepier than playing a happy song about losing your virginity at your first chance to a room full of horny 13 year old boys who have just been told they are now men. And by the way, in December 1963, Frankie Valli would have been 29. Which also really makes this song twice as hideous.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 4/20: Marijuana In Your Brain by Lords of Acid

“Marijuana in your brain, takes more time to ejaculate.” – Lords of Acid, Marijuana In Your Brain

There are lots of songs about the pleasures of getting fucked up on weed (by which I mean the entire oeuvre of Snoop Dogg), but people often overlook the medical benefits of getting high. Like, for people who jizz their pants at strip clubs or at the first site of their girlfriend’s boobs, weed just may be necessary.

So, on this momentous day of 4/20, you may want to think about rolling a fat one. Especially if you are a two pump chump.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 56: Soft by Kings of Leon

“I'd pop myself in your body. I'd come into your party, but I'm soft.” – Kings of Leon, Soft
People confuse romance with sex way too often anymore, but Kings of Leon prove that not every romantic encounter has to end in sex. Especially if you’re too fucked up on alcohol and drugs to achieve a boner.
Nothing makes a lady happier than hearing how much you’d normally want to pop into their body, but you just did too much coke to make the blood flow into your penis. I mean, maybe you could do something else besides sex, right? Who doesn’t want a crazed, shrivel dicked lunatic with salty whiskey sweat dripping off their forehead as he absentmindedly licks all over them? This song is every woman’s dream of a perfect relationship, a guy who can’t have sex with you but still wants to talk about it in incessant and splattery detail.
Oh, and guess what, girls! He’s singing about his erectile dysfunction with his brothers and his cousin, so Boner-free is also a family man!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Rolling Stone Fridays!!!: Let It Bleed

“Yeah, we all need someone we can cream on and if you want to, well you can cream on me…You can cum all over me,” The Rolling Stones, Let It Bleed

Mick Jagger has it all. He’s one of the biggest rock musicians of all time, he’s hooked up with some of the hottest women of the late 20th century and was caught having sex with David Bowie (which is actually way less embarrassing than his turn as a bad guy in the Emilio Esteves thriller “Freejack.”).

But there is one thing that Mick also sidelines in and apparently, that job is being a cum rag. Sure, most people just use a crusty old towel or sock or some Kleenex, but Mick is so giving. If you want to, you can cum all over him.

The image of a cum-drizzled Mick Jagger is pretty nasty, but if it catches on, I’m pretty sure Steven Tyler will appear twice as cum drenched within the next year.

I'm A Monkey! I'm a Man!

I had so much fun with “Start Me Up” last week that I decided a change was in order. I’m changing R. Kelly Fridays into the new and improved Rolling Stones Fridays. The Stones are my favorite band and have plenty of nastiness to draw upon. And R. Kelly, well, it was increasingly becoming like shooting fish in a barrel. We get it, Robert, you are going to fuck someone until they got pregnant. So, I’d like to say, “Bye, Kells. It was fun while it lasted. We may meet again one day.” And, “Hello to Mick, Keith and the boys. I love you so much that I can’t wait to ridicule you.”

Also, I’d like to take a moment to direct you to a worthy cause. My friends at Adult Swim Central are holding a fundraiser from Friday night to Saturday morning for Oral, Head and Neck Cancer. If you have time and can spare a few dollars, please check them out here:

In the meantime, I highly encourage you to fan the site on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, or even check out my new homepage. And we’re still taking emails here at I have no shame and I will whore it for anyone. Thanks to everyone for reading. I probably would have given up a long time ago without all of your support. Thank you for continuing to read.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Disgusting Lyrics of the Day 54: Captain Jack by Billy Joel

“Your sister’s gone out, she’s on a date. You just sit at home and masturbate,” Billy Joel, Captain Jack

Some things go good together: Peanut butter and chocolate. Salt and Pepper. Ebony and Ivory (living together in perfect harmony). But Billy Joel and Masturbation go together like bleach and my eyes.

Masturbation is great. In fact, if I’m working at home, I may jerk off like three or four times a day. But hearing Billy Joel talking about spanking it makes me suddenly ashamed to own a penis. Thinking about the Mr. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” playing with his boner may just be the most un-erotic image possible.
I don’t have a sister, but if I did, I sincerely hope that my masturbation habits weren’t tied into her dating habits. Because if she had a date everytime I masturbated when I was high school age, she was probably a gigantic slut.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 53: Life Is Real (Song for Lennon) by Queen

"Guilt stains on my pillow. Blood on my terraces. Torsos in my closet, shadows from my past. Life is real...Breast-feeding myself, what more can I say?" – Queen, Life is Real (Song for Lennon)

Surely when Freddie Mercury walked through the gates of heaven, John Lennon was standing there, waiting with his arms crossed, eyebrow cocked, a heavenly iPod next to him softly playing "Life Is Real." "You want to explain this?" he probably said. To which Freddie presumably struck a pose and belted out an impromptu call-and-response scat with the members of Marshall's 1970 Thundering Herd football team.

Apart from that, how would you explain why your tribute to a recently departed, beloved fellow musician was a confusing laundry list of unpleasantness, including "torsos in my closet," and "guilt stains on my pillow?" Had they shared an interest in callisthenic masturbation and dismembered murder-trophies?

I like to think that when the Central Park Strawberry Fields Memorial was being constructed in '85, Yoko Ono sat down with the designers and discussed whether to make "torsos in my closet" or "breastfeeding myself" the centerpiece engraving before deciding to compromise on simply "Imagine."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 52: Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond

“Honey's sweet, but it ain't nothin' next to baby's treat,” Neil Diamond, Forever in Blue Jeans

Neil Diamond thinks his girlfriend’s pussy tastes better than food. Seriously, I have spent half an hour trying to figure out what the hell else he could be talking about. Nothing else makes sense. Hell, the whole damn song doesn’t make sense.

After talking about his girlfriend’s delicious vagina, Neil says, “If you pardon me, I’d like to say, we’d do ok forever in blue jeans.” Sorry, I can’t pardon you for that Neil, because I have no clue what in the fuck you’re talking about. That might be because I still have the image of your sequined blouse on the floor while you lap up some trim. Obviously, the girl takes her jeans off at some point so you can get to her baby treat.

Side note: No one could possibly wear jeans every day. In the summer, I like to wear shorts so my balls can get a sense of the breeze. Just thinking about wearing jeans to the San Diego Comic Con has made my sack turn to Silly Puddy.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 51: Do That To Me One More Time by Captain & Tennille

“Do that to me one more time. Once is never enough with a man like you. Whoa! Do that to me one more time. I can never get enough of a man like you,” Captain & Tennille, Do That To Me One More Time

This song may well be the filthiest thing I have ever put on this blog. Sure, The Captain fiddles around on his little keyboard and everyone sounds chirpy and happy and Toni Tennille looks pretty and wholesome, but you would be hard pressed to find anyone that would read these lyrics and not walk away thinking it was about the Captain grinding out some sweet, sweet Muskrat Love on top of Tennille, sweat dripping in torrents off of his Captain’s hat.
I mean, this song should straight up be called, “Do me one more time, I still have a little horny left in me.” If Lil’ Kim put out a song called “Do That To Me One More Time,” Bill O’Reilly would be calling for her head. But here’s the thing, this song kind of gets a pass because the music, rhythm and phrasing makes it sound like the most boring, fall asleep, missionary position, I-have-a-bad-hip-so-go-slow sex ever performed. I mean, the song makes me want to sleep. No wonder Toni wants it one more time. If I had sex at that snoozy pace, I would want it at least one more time too.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 50: Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones

“You, you, you make a grown man cry. You, you make a dead man cum.” The Rolling Stones, Start Me Up

The Rolling Stones are old as hell. In fact, Keith Richards has been clinically dead for years, but the lady in “Start Me Up” still makes him ejaculate zombie dust.

This whole song is like an old man’s cry for help. “Please, if you just are able to start me up, I swear I can finish the task at hand. Also, I may cry or cum on you, so watch out down there.” What does Mick want this woman to start exactly? Getting him hard? That would kind of make sense because this song was made in 1981, long before Mr. Jagger would have had viagra. Still, this is pretty much one of the best songs ever made about grizzled old English men pawing at you and never stopping. So, basically it’s about Jerry Hall.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 49: Reverse Cowgirl by T-Pain

“Told 'em like the feds, take a picture, I don't give a fuck. We can do it anywhere, even in my Caddy trunk,” T-Pain, Reverse Cowgirl

Making love in the trunk of a Caddy has to be one of the most intimate experiences in a person’s life. It’s pitch black and boiling hot in there, which can only lead to asphyxiation or the much maligned wrong-hole-penetration technique. And hey, if you need lube, chances are, you can just scoop a handful of grease off the tire jack and smother your naughty parts with them.

Some people talk about having sex on the beach or making love in a field of flowers. But none of that compares to straight up fucking on an old donut tire. It’s ribbed for your pleasure.

Site News

Hey everyone.

I am in lovely California and have not had the best access to the internet. The site may be running slow or late for a few days and I want to apologize in advance. Hopefully, you'll stick around and we'll make some miracles happen in the next few days.

Love and kisses,

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 48: Poop On Face by Le Sexoflex

"You've got poop on your face and a burger in your butt." Le Sexoflex, Poop On Face

What can I possibly say about this song? These people are eating backwards, but I think that is how they like it.

If I had a burger in my ass, I hope it is a Krystal burger. Small, compact, soft and greasy, with no red condiments, Krystal is the perfect ass burger. Plus, they tend to wind up sliding out twenty minutes after you eat one anyways. The burger I would least like in my ass is a Baconator from Wendy's. All that crumbly, jagged bacon in my soft parts would make poop on my face the least of my problems.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 47: Shake Your Bon Bon by Ricky Martin

“You’re my Mata Hari. I wanna know your story…Up in the Himalayas, c’mon I wanna lay ya. We’ll go around the world in a day,” Ricky Martin, Shake Your Bon Bon

Asses get called stupid things everyday. But comparing a butt to a chocolate with cream filling is about the dumbest thing ever. Who doesn’t want to dance to the image of a sticky, melty ass that has been pumped full of Ricky Martin’s cream? Just swirl that dribbly thing around the room, spewing unimaginable liquids on everyone?

The Mata Hari lyric, by the way, turned out to be prophetic. Mata Hari was a famous stripper who was accused of being a double agent in World War I. See, the French thought she was a spy for France, but it turned out she was secretly a German spy the whole time! She never committed to what team she was playing for and it led to misery for all involved. Thankfully, Ricky finally revealed what team he plays for today. I am very happy for Mr. Martin and sincerely hope that he enjoys life as an out person. And I also sincerely hope that the national assault on our ears that started with Menudo and ended with La Vida Loca has come to an end. Shake whatever bon bon you want. Just stop singing out loud about it.

Friday, March 26, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Banging the Headboards

“Baby, hold the pillow tight. It’s about to be a wild night. Squeak in the bed, and we’re gonna make the walls bang. Squeak in the bed, and baby girl I hope that you can hang. Ooh, Ooh! Those are the sounds we’re making when we bangin’, bangin’, bangin’ the headboard.” R. Kelly, Banging the Headboards

Did R. Kelly perform at a high school for the deaf and blind a while back? Because that is the only reason I can think of why he would explain what his sex sounds like to his partner is if she’s deaf. Everyone who at least has an internet connection has a pretty good idea of what sex sounds like.

And why is he slamming her again and again into the headboards? That can’t be fun for her. Can’t you move her long ways against the bed? I mean, you’re rich, I’m assuming you have something bigger than a twin bed. Hell, just take her to the bathroom. That’s where you’re gonna end it by pissing on her anyways.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 45: I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd

“Let me take off all your clothes. Disconnect the phone so nobody knows. Let me light a candle so we can make it better. Making love until we drown.” – Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You Up

You can light a candle. You can get out satin sheets. You can even obtain a velvet cum rag. But nothing will make drowning to death while you are fornicating any better.

In fact, I can think of many reasons why that might be the worst way to die. Someone is eventually going to find your dead bodies intertwined. It can’t be very fun for them to pry two dead waterlogged fucking people apart. Plus, in your last moments, you may wish to think of your family or friends, and not hoping that you can finish up quickly before you’re condemned to eternity with everlasting blue balls.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 44: The Lemon Song by Led Zeppelin

“Squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg. Squeeze it so hard I fall right outta bed.” - Led Zeppelin, “Traveling Riverside Blues” and “The Lemon Song”

Did you notice that there? That this is actually in two songs by Led Zeppelin? To give credit where credit is due, Robert Plant is actually paraphrasing a line sung in the original “Traveling Riverside Blues” by Robert Johnson and evidently even Johnson may have borrowed it from another songwriter. So, just to recap, three men have been fond enough of the lemon penis to put it to music, Robert Plant perhaps the biggest lemon penis enthusiast, as he includes it in two recorded songs (naming one of them after it) and throws it into some other songs’ live versions as well.

And apart from being disgusting, comparing your penis to a lemon is just unflattering. Even within the world of fruit it’s a poor choice. I know if my penis in any way resembled a lemon, it would be the kind of thing I’d discuss in hushed tones with a doctor, maybe weighing some surgical options. I certainly wouldn’t immortalize it in song.

We chose to feature “Traveling Riverside Blues” because of Plant’s hilariously unnecessary addendum: "I wonder if you know what I'm talking about." Robert, if the woman who’s giving you rigorous, vertigo-inducing handjobs doesn't know what you're talking about, she's either a minor or belongs in a mental institution and we recommend that you break off the relationship right away. Stop thinking with your lemon.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 43: Blah Blah Blah by Ke$ha

“I don’t really care where you live at. Just turn around, boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat. Just show me where your dick’s at.” – Ke$ha, Blah Blah Blah

This song raises a lot of questions, like, ‘Why does Ke$ha have a dollar sign in her name,” or “Didn’t we just get enough of this girl with the very similar sounding ‘Tik Tok’” and “Holy hell, are all of Ke$ha’s songs going to be about how she’s a drunken whore?” It also makes you ask, “How many places can a guy be hiding his dick at?” But bitch, you can just stow your questions aside. Ke$ha just wants that dick.

And you are totally in luck. Nothing is as good as a sloppy, drunken sex from someone who does not care who you are and has little clue as to what’s going on at the moment. The song is called “Blah Blah Blah” which is what Ke$ha hears when the guy says, “You’re so skanky, I probably better double bag it.”

Monday, March 22, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 42: We're All Alone by Boz Scaggs

“Long forgotten now. We're all alone, we're all alone. Close the window, calm the light and it will be all right. No need to bother now. Let it out. Let it all begin. Learn how to pretend.” Boz Scaggs, We’re All Alone

This song has always creeped the ever living shit out of me. Boz Scaggs has the name and voice of a muppet. But not like a cuddly, furry Muppet. More like a Dark Crystal-holy-shit-this-is-going-to-permanently-scar-5-year-old-me Muppet. It doesn’t help that the song has a lot of weird fantasy overtones. Caves and waves and old roses and seas and shit.

These lyrics are the perfect description of a raping by candlelight. Seriously, this could be the most romance novel version of a horrible crime I have ever heard. No one remembers you, no one else is around, so don’t even bother because we’re all alone. So let it all out. You might want to pretend about something else, because here comes the raping of a lifetime. And then we’ll listen to the waves lap at our heels right before I get my knife out for round two.

Friday, March 19, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Pregnant

“Until I met this girl in the club with an unbelievable booty. Sweetest girl in the world and I mean it and on top of that she’s a cutie…Never felt nothing like this. She’s more than a mistress, enough to handle my business. Now put that girl in my kitchen. Girl, you wanna make me get you pregnant.” – R. Kelly, Tyrese, Robin Thicke, Pregnant

R. Kelly has found a girl with a hot ass. And on top of that, she’s actually presentable. So no need to put a bag over this one’s face before you pound her from behind. In fact, she looks good enough that R. is willing to let her cook meals for him. He may even knock her up with one of his kids!

Every girl dreams that one day, when she’s 15, she’ll have an ass nice enough for R. Kelly to notice her. So then, she can stay home and crap out babies for him and cook him Hamburger Helper. But don’t get too attached. Because soon, you’ll be 18 and he’ll be moving on to the next chick whose ass hasn’t collapsed from the weight of carrying his death seed.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 40: Midnight Oil by Barbara Mandrell

“And tonight I’ll cheat again. And tomorrow I’ll feel sorry. And I’ll feel kind of dirty, ‘cause I’ll have the midnight oil all over me.” – Barbara Mandrell, Midnight Oil

I really hope that Barbara’s “midnight oil” is not what it sounds like. Because what it sounds like is that she was in the middle of a group of dicks and she’s been showered with a gallon of jizz all over her. I mean, I’ve heard of “burning the midnight oil.” I’ve also heard that the “early bird gets the worm” but if I said I had a throat full of worm this morning, it would have a whole different meaning.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 39: Ceclia by Simon and Garfunkle

“Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia, up in my bedroom. I got up to wash my face. When I come back to bed, someone’s taken my place. Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart. You’re shaking my confidence daily.”
-Cecilia, Simon & Garfunkel

You got up to wash your face? You may want to go ahead and take a full shower there, champ. While Simon & Garfunkel made a habit out of taking bold subjects and attaching them to catchy songs, (the happy drug-induced bullshit of At the Zoo, the stark cynicism of Hazy Shade of Winter and I Am A Rock, don’t even talk to me about Feelin’ Groovy) they never really sounded cool doing it. Cecilia has the uncomfortable feel of two summer camp counselors singing in rounds for the young campers while giving each other hand jobs.

Yeah, it all sounds like fun and games, the kind of whacky thing that might occur in one of those American Pie movies, but at the heart of it you have this love-struck guy having sex with the object of his affection and in the time it takes him to do some post-coital grooming, some other dude has got his dick in her. And it was the 70’s, so you just know that shit was unprotected. Sure this kind of thing might be acceptable in say, a free-love commune, but we all know that anyone possessing anything approximating human emotions should avoid communes at all costs. And that’s obviously not the case here, as the narrator shows in the head-scratching bit of understatement about his shaken confidence. And it is that mixture of dejection and patheticism that makes this lyric not only disgusting, but sad and disgusting. Well done.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 38: 99 Problems by Jay-Z

“Once upon a time not to long ago, a ***** like myself had to strong arm a hoe. This is not a hoe in the sense of having a pussy, but a pussy having no God damn sense to try and push me.” – Jay-Z, 99 Problems

Jay-Z is one of the wealthiest and most admired rappers of all time. He’s married to Beyonce, co-owns the New Jersey Jets and founded Rocawear. But sure, he still has problems. He has ninety-nine problems. A bitch isn’t one of those problems, but one of them is his definition of hoe.

Make no mistake, when Hova called you a hoe, he doesn’t mean you have a vagina. That would be kind of offense, so please please please don’t think that. What he is actually calling you is slang word for a vagina. Not the “C” one. The one that you can sometimes get away with using, but not if your wife is in a bad mood or sober. So, please, take no offense. You are not a woman who sells the use of her genotals for money. Just a gigantic vagina that has gotten your hot drippy nastiness in Jay-Z’s face. And that is what he has a problem with.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 37: Smells Like Funk by the Black Eyed Peas

“You know we was coming before we entered the door, cause you could smell the rhyme when we was walking down the hall. We bring the funk worse then a wet dog. Stinking like fat ladies shitting out logs. We drop enough shit to keep them toilets clogged. Keep the people jumpin' like them bullfrogs.” – The Black Eyed Peas, Smells Like Funk

The Black Eyed Peas were not joking when they said they wanted to get retarded (in here). They may have overshot how dumb they wanted to get though, because these lyrics seem like the kind of thing a fourth-grade-class-clown-who’s been-held-back-two-years might say when he really wants to bring the heat.

I can’t say I’m surprised to learn that the Black Eyed Peas stink. The pictures of Fergie peeing her pants on stage would lead me to think that they had a sour, kind of acidic, left-over milk smell. But I was way wrong: they apparently smell like a fat lady shitting out logs. We have no clue what the fat lady ate, but it is solid logs, so I am guessing she did not just run from the border. The Peas drop enough shit to keep toilets clogged and outside of toilets, they drop enough shit to keep the Billboard chart clogged because they were in the number one spot for 17 weeks in a row with 2 different songs. That’s like a third of a year. Holy shit.
How in the hell did this band get so popular? They are willfully stupid, singing about poop and humps and getting retarded. And yet, Corporate America laps it up because the Peas have had sponsorships from 3 Musketeers, Blackberry, Honda, Levi, Candies and Verizon. It’s like each song is a little gem. No, more that, it’s like individual pieces of shit falling out of a fat woman’s ass. The kind that smell like wet dogs.

Friday, March 12, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Echo

“And when you need a break, I'll let you up, I'll let you breathe, wash your face, get something to eat. Then come back to the bedroom and I'll be waiting for you right there, baby. I'll be waiting there to fuck like crazy…wanna hear you echo.” R. Kelly, Echo

R. Kelly is a generous lover. When most people just keep banging away until their lover asphyxiates, Robert lets his young lady take a deep breath and wash all the sweat, jizzim and horribly evil shame off of her face.

But even though Kells is generous, don’t think he’s super nice. He is waiting to fuck you like crazy. And since we know this man has already peed on people and married and hooked up with underage women, his crazy is a totally different crazy than your crazy. His crazy might involve sticking live lobsters into your butt hole. But that’s just Kells. That’s just the way he roles. And this mother fucker wants to hear you echo.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 35: Softer, Softest by Hole

“Pee girl gets the belt. Your milk makes me mind. Your milk is so sick. Your milk has a dye. Your milk has a dick.” Hole, Softer, Softest

Did she just tell me my milk has a dick? Courtney, Courtney... Long before she was letting young strangers suckle on her teats in public (see Kofi Asare), Courtney Love was disturbing us with lyrics about milk, or something like that. We’re going to go ahead and assume that this is a clumsily worded allusion to the money shot (a common obsession without which this site just wouldn’t exist) as opposed to a lyrical warning that there’s a penis floating in your cereal. If so, it is a bold new way to say things, like telling an unfortunate accident victim, “ooh, it looks like your gangrenous wound has a leg on it,” or “there’s a lot of leg falling up from your blood pool.”

Either way, it certainly is poetry. And how about the pee girl? The one that gets the belt? Actually, I heard her introduce this song in an acoustic performance (found it on YouTube) by saying “This is a song about the girl that always smelled like pee in your class.” I have to admit that I’m not sure I had one of these girls in any of my classes. Then again, it was hard to smell anything over my dyed dick milk.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 34: The Pill by Loretta Lynn

“This incubator is overused, because you've kept it filled. The feelin' good comes easy now since I've got the pill.” Loretta Lynn, The Pill

Here’s a sexy proposition: Do you wanna hook up with this lady who’s had a boat load of kids? Just babies falling out of her every 11 months or so. What if I sweeten the deal by telling you that she’s comparing her lady parts to an old, overused chicken incubator? Pretty sexy now, right?

I have never in my life heard someone so excited to be on birth control pills. Look, birth control pills are awesome for any number of reasons, but seriously, there are tons of other things you can do, like use a condom, or a diaphragm, or a vasectomy, or hell, how about just plain old pulling out? Instead, Loretta wants you to know you can shoot protein bullets at her all night long and she ain’t gonna get preggers! Yee haw!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 33: Slide It In by Whitesnake

“I can see what you're looking for. I know what you want from me. And I'm gonna give you more. I'm gonna slide it in, right to the top. Slide it in, I ain't never gonna stop. I'm gonna slide it in, slide it in, Slide it, in baby.” Whitesnake, Slide It In

David Coverdale, the singer and lead songwriter for Whitesnake, has never been accused of being subtle. Although Coverdale never says what he’s going to slide in, what the hell else could it be? His Capital One credit card into an ATM?

It’s not even that he wants to slide his white snake into her Tawny Kitaen. It’s how he wants to do it that’s pretty gross. The first thing this song makes me think is that I really hope they have Astro Glide or some lube, because it sounds like someone is going to have chafing. Repeatedly sliding it in and never stopping is not sexy. It just sounds tiring and repetitive. Kind of like listening to a Whitesnake album. Hmm. And by the way, Coverdale, I’m pretty sure that there has never been a girl who has begged for just the tip. Everyone wants it to the top.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 32: Finding Out True Love is Blind by Louis XIV

“Ah, chocolate girl, well you're looking like something I want. And your little Asian friend well, well she can come if she wants. I want all the self-conscious girls who try to hide who they are with makeup. You know it’s the girl with a frown with the tight pants I really want to shake up. Hey, carrot juice, I wanna squeeze you away until you bleed.” – Louis XIV, Finding Out True Love is Blind

True love may be blind, but Louis XIV is not. But the good news is, if you happen to be black, Asian, white, vanilla, self-conscious, smart, mad or dumb, the band Louis XIV is willing to fuck you.

This song is like the menu to an All-You-Can-Eat Sex buffet. What woman hasn’t dreamed of having her identity whittled down to “little Asian friend”? I kind of love that red haired women are called Carrot Juice, but I’m still kind of scared about what and how he is squeezing until it bleeds. I am hoping it is just some unfortunate backne. So long story short, ladies, if you are of some ethnicity and also are in possession of a vagina, and are willing to have sex that is perhaps best knows as opening for The Killers, you may want to head to a Louis XIV show.

A Small Child Dies and Week 7 Begins

Welcome to week 7 of Disgusting Lyric of the Day! I am shocked that we made it this far, considering that I have a panic attack at every day around 5 about what the next lyric will be.

I want to thank everyone for following us, and remind you that you can also follow me on Twitter (@MerrillHagan), friend us at Facebook or send in tips to me at We love hearing feedback, especially because this thing is cranked out in a lonely room. So, is there a song or a genre you think we need to cover more? What do you think about R. Keely Fridays? Are you ready for a switch-up? Tell us what you are thinking!
And again, if you like the blog, please repost us or recommend us, either on Tumblr or to your friends. We do this because we are whores for attention. So please, help us whore ourselves out as hard as we can, ok, daddy?

Friday, March 5, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Rock Star

“I'm telling you now the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing. Rocking to this guitars about to have me crowd surfing. Kells'll put on a show up until they close curtains. Then right after the show, back stage, your ass hurting.” – R. Kelly, Ludacris, Kid Rock, Rock Star

Welcome to the Holy Triumvirate of STDs, bad liquor and poor choices. R. Kelly and Kid Rock joined forces, somehow tricking Ludacris into teaming with them. I would have to imagine that there is not a ton of overlap in any of their fan bases, meaning that the ideal groupie for this concert would be a 17 year-old blonde trailer park girl with a gigantic ass who also likes a splash of pee with her groupie sex. I am not sure there is any line that is more of a turn off than “the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing.” It’s almost like a PSA that says, “Hey, you may think you want to hump R. Kelly now, but in nine months, all you’ll have to show for it is a fatherless baby, herpes and pictures of Kid Rock putting his little Joe C. in your mouth while R. Kelly puts his evil inside you from the back.”

But at least, R. Kelly shows at least some concept of science at the beginning of this lyric. Yes, Robert, unprotected sex can lead to the birth of a child. But I have to assume you have been engaging in anal sex, since this girl’s ass hurts, and I am fairly certain you can’t have butt babies.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 30: I Gotcha by Joe Tex

“You made me a promise and you’re gonna stick to it. You shouldn't have promised if you wasn't gonna do it. You saw me and ran in another direction. I'll teach you to play with my affection. Now give it here. You never should have promised to me. Give it here, don't hold back now. Give it here. Don't say nothing just give it here.” – Joe Tex, I Gotcha

This is probably the giggliest, happiest, funkiest song ever about a man raping a clearly terrified woman. Literally, nothing in this song makes Joe sound like a good person. When the girl in question sees him, she turns and runs in another direction hoping to escape. I have done some fucked up shit in relationships, and yet, no woman has ever turned and ran away when she saw me. In fact, most of them want to stick around so they can slap me and tell me off. At least Joe was able to catch up to this young lady and explain the way he’s feeling. You know, while he’s holding her down and forcing her to “give it here.”

Still though, this song is so awesome and infectious, I have to admit I sing along with it every time I hear it. Especially when I am raping.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 29: Free-For-All by Ted Nugent

“Well, looky here, you sweet young thing, the magic’s in my hands. When in doubt, I whip it out. I got me a rock ‘n roll band; it’s a free-for-all. Ooh, baby, yeah, it’s a free-for-all. Ow! Suck it.” - Ted Nugent, Free-For-All

Rock stars. While this particular lyric typifies the shameless lack of effort many a rock star will put into getting laid, it has a unique quality in that Nugent makes a bald-faced admission of what’s going on. “I got me a rock ‘n roll band.” This would be like Colin Hanks going to an audition and, instead of playing his part, simply saying, “I’m Tom Hanks’s son.” And then pulling his dick out of his pants. Which may be exactly what he does and who’s to say it isn’t the honest thing to do?

Nugent also notes - “when in doubt, I whip it out.” Now, not only does this imply repeat instances of showcasing his penis, but it also implies that this was not a sure thing in his head. And what could have been going through the sweet young thing’s head? Let’s imagine: “How did I end up talking with Ted Nugent? He must see that I’m not attracted to him. Oh my god. Oh my god. He took his dick out of his pants. He’s holding it. Oh god, he just called it his “magic.” I’m going to throw up. Somebody help me. Oh no. Oh... Oh my god. He just told me to suck it. I’m going to cry. Help. Somebody please help.”

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 28: Back to Black by Amy Winehouse

“He left no time for regret. Kept his dick wet with his same old safe bet.” Amy Winehouse, Back to Black

Amy Winehouse and sex go together like peanut butter and herpes. Look, Amy, the dude banging you may have seemed to left with regret, but he just got it on with a cracked-out, scabby cokehead. I am sure he has plenty of regrets. If not emotional ones, probably physical ones. Especially when the bumps start showing up.
Keeping your dick wet is probably one of the grosser euphemisms for sex I’ve ever heard of. Especially because Amy looks like all the fluids dried out of her a long time ago. Seriously. She looks like an extra dehydrated stick of jerky in a wig. I get itchy when I look at her. Any wetness from her would be from accidentally ripping the scabs open.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 27: Miracles by Jefferson Starship

“I had a taste of the real world when I went down on you, girl…When I pluck your body like a string, when I start dancing inside you. Oh baby, you make me wanna sing” Jefferson Starship, Miracles

When I was growing up, my mother was an accountant in an Engineering Office. I usually spent a large chunk of my summers hiding in their offices, drawing pictures of Batman on scraps of blueprints lying around, listening to the Lite radio station that was pumped into the entire office. It is no exaggeration to say that I heard this song at least 4 times a week. And now that I know what the lyrics are, every childhood memory I have is tainted. What is plucking a body like a string? Is that ripping out all of your body hair? Or like a really vigorous fingering? Because I am pretty sure I don’t want to picture any of those things. And I especially do not want to picture any of the middle-aged engineers my mom worked with doing that to each other.

The worst part is obviously tasting the real world. Jefferson Starship had Grace Slick in its lineup. Any song that combines her with the thought of cunnilingus is already evil. But the thought that eating Grace Slick out would suddenly make you see the world with new eyes rings somewhat true to me. Because if I ever came face-to-vagine with her, I would assume I would have to invent a whole new life because I would trash everything that came before. Because everything that brought me to that moment was wrong. I could never look at friends or family in the same way again without a sense of overwhelming and all consuming shame and sadness.