Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 89: Africa by Toto

“The wild dogs cry out in the night, as they grow restless longing for some solitary company. I know that I must do what’s right, sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.” Toto, Africa

How in the fuck are you going to describe a mountain as being like another mountain? That’s like saying that my pet greyhound is fast like a dog. Well no shit. Does your Toyota get you around like a Honda?

This is the kind of shit I think about when I am alone, longing for solitary company, which is also impossible to have because the two words have fucking opposite meanings. You know what, Toto? How about just going back to plotting on how to steal Roseanna Arquette back from Peter Gabriel?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Ridiculous Swedish Lyric of the Day 88: The Sign by Ace of Base

“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong. But where do you belong?” Ace of Base, The Sign

I saw the sign, too, Ace of Base, and the sign said: “Stop.”

This song borders on making sense a few times. Some dude treated this lady pretty bad, I get that. Then the chorus brings the weirdness. Life is demanding without understanding. But shit, its not like life is all hummus and tootsie rolls with understanding either. And then, what is all this crap about being dragged up and into light? What fucking light are you talking about? Why do some people belong in light and some don’t? What the fuck is “the sign” anyways? And why does every Swedish rock group get compared to Abba?

Oh, I actually just did see “the sign” and it said, “Best if Used by 1994.”

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ridiculous Hair Lyric of the Day 87: To Be With You by Mr. Big

“You can make my life worthwhile and I can make you start to smile.” Mr. Big, To Be With You

So, this girl makes your whole life worth living. And in return, you kind of can make her sort of smile? What a shitty trade off.

Granted her last boyfriend sounds like a crapbag too, but then again, dating the lead singer of Mr. Big isn’t some kind of major achievement either.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


"Let me tell you about my brother. He is my lover from the same mother. He tastes like butter, under the covers." Le Sexoflex, Twincest

In a (pretty NSFW) video that is filled with insane imagery, one image grosses us out the most. Look, butter can be ok on toast or corn or pancakes, but fellating a stick of butter is maybe a step too far. If that is what penis tastes like, I am pretty sure that is why Mrs. Dash got married in the first place: To avoid all those buttery blow jobs.

Le Sexoflex - Twincest from Le Sexoflex on Vimeo.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: Anybody Seen My Baby?

“She was more than beautiful, closer to ethereal. With a kind of down to earth flavor.” The Rolling Stones, Anybody Seen My Baby?

Welcome to the phoning it in era of the Rolling Stones. Look, this girl is two opposites: “Down to Earth” and “Ethereal!” Is she also a blonde with a kind of brunette look? Brainy with a kind of casual dumb? Leggy but with amazing boobs? I guess it’s only fitting that Mick would be into a woman that can be described as opposites since The Rolling Stones could have two opposites thrown at them too: “Legendary Musicians” and “Lots of Shitty Songs too.”

Let’s be honest: this song, as well as most of the album Bridges to Babylon, is about 8 shades of embarrassing. As much as I love the Stones, I don’t think anyone can justify Biz Markie rapping on top of a song that was lifted from k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving.” Of course, a very young Angelina Jolie is in the video and Biz isn’t, so maybe the Stones weren’t completely creatively bankrupt.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 84: Get It On (Bang a Gong) by T. Rex

“Well, you're built like a car, you've got a hub cap diamond star halo. You're built like a car, oh yeah. Well you're an untamed youth, that's the truth, with your cloak full of eagles. You’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.” – T. Rex – Get It On (Bang a Gong)

Aside from all the drugged out ramblings of a mad man (what in the hell was Marc Bolan on where his girlfriend appeared to be wearing a jacket full of endangered wildlife?), nothing makes a woman feel hotter than when you compare her to a heavy ass hunk of metal. “Hey, baby. I like the way you can accommodate several men at once, just like my car. Now put this cloak full of screeching birds on and hop inside of yourself.”

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Ridiculous Threat Lyric of the Day 83: Laura by The Scissor Sisters

“This will be the last time I ever do your hair.” Scissor Sisters, Laura

Threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll do their hair is somewhere on par with threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll ever do their dishes. OK. Great. Someone else will do it. Or it won’t get done. Who gives a shit? No lines no waiting at Supercutz, bitch.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Ridiculous Rhyme That Doesn't Make Sense 82: Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues) by Three Dog Night

“Play somethin' sweet, play somethin' mellow. Play somethin' I can sink my teeth in like Jello. Play something I can understand. Play me some Brickyard Blues,” Three Dog Night, Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues)

Three Dog Night is bringing the funk tonight, so play a groove that is thick as hell, like a dessert that is mostly made up of congealed water. Frozen yogurt has a thicker consistency than jello. Hell, thinking about sinking my teeth into jello actually makes my teeth hurt because all I can think about is biting the spoon. This lyric is the dumbest thing Three Dog Night did since the time lead singer Chuck Negron ignored his doctor’s advice and ended up making his penis explode.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Ridiculous Lyric I Heard From a Friend (Who Heard It From A Friend) 81: I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon

“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore. I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for. It’s time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars forever.” REO Speedwagon, I Can’t Fight this Feeling

Nice job at making your boat absolutely fucking useless, REO Speedwagon. I’ve been in that situation before and trust me, don’t ever throw away the oars. You just might start to remember why you were fighting that feeling in the first place.