Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 48: Poop On Face by Le Sexoflex

"You've got poop on your face and a burger in your butt." Le Sexoflex, Poop On Face

What can I possibly say about this song? These people are eating backwards, but I think that is how they like it.

If I had a burger in my ass, I hope it is a Krystal burger. Small, compact, soft and greasy, with no red condiments, Krystal is the perfect ass burger. Plus, they tend to wind up sliding out twenty minutes after you eat one anyways. The burger I would least like in my ass is a Baconator from Wendy's. All that crumbly, jagged bacon in my soft parts would make poop on my face the least of my problems.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 47: Shake Your Bon Bon by Ricky Martin

“You’re my Mata Hari. I wanna know your story…Up in the Himalayas, c’mon I wanna lay ya. We’ll go around the world in a day,” Ricky Martin, Shake Your Bon Bon

Asses get called stupid things everyday. But comparing a butt to a chocolate with cream filling is about the dumbest thing ever. Who doesn’t want to dance to the image of a sticky, melty ass that has been pumped full of Ricky Martin’s cream? Just swirl that dribbly thing around the room, spewing unimaginable liquids on everyone?

The Mata Hari lyric, by the way, turned out to be prophetic. Mata Hari was a famous stripper who was accused of being a double agent in World War I. See, the French thought she was a spy for France, but it turned out she was secretly a German spy the whole time! She never committed to what team she was playing for and it led to misery for all involved. Thankfully, Ricky finally revealed what team he plays for today. I am very happy for Mr. Martin and sincerely hope that he enjoys life as an out person. And I also sincerely hope that the national assault on our ears that started with Menudo and ended with La Vida Loca has come to an end. Shake whatever bon bon you want. Just stop singing out loud about it.

Friday, March 26, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Banging the Headboards

“Baby, hold the pillow tight. It’s about to be a wild night. Squeak in the bed, and we’re gonna make the walls bang. Squeak in the bed, and baby girl I hope that you can hang. Ooh, Ooh! Those are the sounds we’re making when we bangin’, bangin’, bangin’ the headboard.” R. Kelly, Banging the Headboards

Did R. Kelly perform at a high school for the deaf and blind a while back? Because that is the only reason I can think of why he would explain what his sex sounds like to his partner is if she’s deaf. Everyone who at least has an internet connection has a pretty good idea of what sex sounds like.

And why is he slamming her again and again into the headboards? That can’t be fun for her. Can’t you move her long ways against the bed? I mean, you’re rich, I’m assuming you have something bigger than a twin bed. Hell, just take her to the bathroom. That’s where you’re gonna end it by pissing on her anyways.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 45: I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd

“Let me take off all your clothes. Disconnect the phone so nobody knows. Let me light a candle so we can make it better. Making love until we drown.” – Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You Up

You can light a candle. You can get out satin sheets. You can even obtain a velvet cum rag. But nothing will make drowning to death while you are fornicating any better.

In fact, I can think of many reasons why that might be the worst way to die. Someone is eventually going to find your dead bodies intertwined. It can’t be very fun for them to pry two dead waterlogged fucking people apart. Plus, in your last moments, you may wish to think of your family or friends, and not hoping that you can finish up quickly before you’re condemned to eternity with everlasting blue balls.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 44: The Lemon Song by Led Zeppelin

“Squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg. Squeeze it so hard I fall right outta bed.” - Led Zeppelin, “Traveling Riverside Blues” and “The Lemon Song”

Did you notice that there? That this is actually in two songs by Led Zeppelin? To give credit where credit is due, Robert Plant is actually paraphrasing a line sung in the original “Traveling Riverside Blues” by Robert Johnson and evidently even Johnson may have borrowed it from another songwriter. So, just to recap, three men have been fond enough of the lemon penis to put it to music, Robert Plant perhaps the biggest lemon penis enthusiast, as he includes it in two recorded songs (naming one of them after it) and throws it into some other songs’ live versions as well.

And apart from being disgusting, comparing your penis to a lemon is just unflattering. Even within the world of fruit it’s a poor choice. I know if my penis in any way resembled a lemon, it would be the kind of thing I’d discuss in hushed tones with a doctor, maybe weighing some surgical options. I certainly wouldn’t immortalize it in song.

We chose to feature “Traveling Riverside Blues” because of Plant’s hilariously unnecessary addendum: "I wonder if you know what I'm talking about." Robert, if the woman who’s giving you rigorous, vertigo-inducing handjobs doesn't know what you're talking about, she's either a minor or belongs in a mental institution and we recommend that you break off the relationship right away. Stop thinking with your lemon.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 43: Blah Blah Blah by Ke$ha

“I don’t really care where you live at. Just turn around, boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat. Just show me where your dick’s at.” – Ke$ha, Blah Blah Blah

This song raises a lot of questions, like, ‘Why does Ke$ha have a dollar sign in her name,” or “Didn’t we just get enough of this girl with the very similar sounding ‘Tik Tok’” and “Holy hell, are all of Ke$ha’s songs going to be about how she’s a drunken whore?” It also makes you ask, “How many places can a guy be hiding his dick at?” But bitch, you can just stow your questions aside. Ke$ha just wants that dick.

And you are totally in luck. Nothing is as good as a sloppy, drunken sex from someone who does not care who you are and has little clue as to what’s going on at the moment. The song is called “Blah Blah Blah” which is what Ke$ha hears when the guy says, “You’re so skanky, I probably better double bag it.”

Monday, March 22, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 42: We're All Alone by Boz Scaggs

“Long forgotten now. We're all alone, we're all alone. Close the window, calm the light and it will be all right. No need to bother now. Let it out. Let it all begin. Learn how to pretend.” Boz Scaggs, We’re All Alone

This song has always creeped the ever living shit out of me. Boz Scaggs has the name and voice of a muppet. But not like a cuddly, furry Muppet. More like a Dark Crystal-holy-shit-this-is-going-to-permanently-scar-5-year-old-me Muppet. It doesn’t help that the song has a lot of weird fantasy overtones. Caves and waves and old roses and seas and shit.

These lyrics are the perfect description of a raping by candlelight. Seriously, this could be the most romance novel version of a horrible crime I have ever heard. No one remembers you, no one else is around, so don’t even bother because we’re all alone. So let it all out. You might want to pretend about something else, because here comes the raping of a lifetime. And then we’ll listen to the waves lap at our heels right before I get my knife out for round two.

Friday, March 19, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Pregnant

“Until I met this girl in the club with an unbelievable booty. Sweetest girl in the world and I mean it and on top of that she’s a cutie…Never felt nothing like this. She’s more than a mistress, enough to handle my business. Now put that girl in my kitchen. Girl, you wanna make me get you pregnant.” – R. Kelly, Tyrese, Robin Thicke, Pregnant

R. Kelly has found a girl with a hot ass. And on top of that, she’s actually presentable. So no need to put a bag over this one’s face before you pound her from behind. In fact, she looks good enough that R. is willing to let her cook meals for him. He may even knock her up with one of his kids!

Every girl dreams that one day, when she’s 15, she’ll have an ass nice enough for R. Kelly to notice her. So then, she can stay home and crap out babies for him and cook him Hamburger Helper. But don’t get too attached. Because soon, you’ll be 18 and he’ll be moving on to the next chick whose ass hasn’t collapsed from the weight of carrying his death seed.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 40: Midnight Oil by Barbara Mandrell

“And tonight I’ll cheat again. And tomorrow I’ll feel sorry. And I’ll feel kind of dirty, ‘cause I’ll have the midnight oil all over me.” – Barbara Mandrell, Midnight Oil

I really hope that Barbara’s “midnight oil” is not what it sounds like. Because what it sounds like is that she was in the middle of a group of dicks and she’s been showered with a gallon of jizz all over her. I mean, I’ve heard of “burning the midnight oil.” I’ve also heard that the “early bird gets the worm” but if I said I had a throat full of worm this morning, it would have a whole different meaning.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 39: Ceclia by Simon and Garfunkle

“Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia, up in my bedroom. I got up to wash my face. When I come back to bed, someone’s taken my place. Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart. You’re shaking my confidence daily.”
-Cecilia, Simon & Garfunkel

You got up to wash your face? You may want to go ahead and take a full shower there, champ. While Simon & Garfunkel made a habit out of taking bold subjects and attaching them to catchy songs, (the happy drug-induced bullshit of At the Zoo, the stark cynicism of Hazy Shade of Winter and I Am A Rock, don’t even talk to me about Feelin’ Groovy) they never really sounded cool doing it. Cecilia has the uncomfortable feel of two summer camp counselors singing in rounds for the young campers while giving each other hand jobs.

Yeah, it all sounds like fun and games, the kind of whacky thing that might occur in one of those American Pie movies, but at the heart of it you have this love-struck guy having sex with the object of his affection and in the time it takes him to do some post-coital grooming, some other dude has got his dick in her. And it was the 70’s, so you just know that shit was unprotected. Sure this kind of thing might be acceptable in say, a free-love commune, but we all know that anyone possessing anything approximating human emotions should avoid communes at all costs. And that’s obviously not the case here, as the narrator shows in the head-scratching bit of understatement about his shaken confidence. And it is that mixture of dejection and patheticism that makes this lyric not only disgusting, but sad and disgusting. Well done.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 38: 99 Problems by Jay-Z

“Once upon a time not to long ago, a ***** like myself had to strong arm a hoe. This is not a hoe in the sense of having a pussy, but a pussy having no God damn sense to try and push me.” – Jay-Z, 99 Problems

Jay-Z is one of the wealthiest and most admired rappers of all time. He’s married to Beyonce, co-owns the New Jersey Jets and founded Rocawear. But sure, he still has problems. He has ninety-nine problems. A bitch isn’t one of those problems, but one of them is his definition of hoe.

Make no mistake, when Hova called you a hoe, he doesn’t mean you have a vagina. That would be kind of offense, so please please please don’t think that. What he is actually calling you is slang word for a vagina. Not the “C” one. The one that you can sometimes get away with using, but not if your wife is in a bad mood or sober. So, please, take no offense. You are not a woman who sells the use of her genotals for money. Just a gigantic vagina that has gotten your hot drippy nastiness in Jay-Z’s face. And that is what he has a problem with.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 37: Smells Like Funk by the Black Eyed Peas

“You know we was coming before we entered the door, cause you could smell the rhyme when we was walking down the hall. We bring the funk worse then a wet dog. Stinking like fat ladies shitting out logs. We drop enough shit to keep them toilets clogged. Keep the people jumpin' like them bullfrogs.” – The Black Eyed Peas, Smells Like Funk

The Black Eyed Peas were not joking when they said they wanted to get retarded (in here). They may have overshot how dumb they wanted to get though, because these lyrics seem like the kind of thing a fourth-grade-class-clown-who’s been-held-back-two-years might say when he really wants to bring the heat.

I can’t say I’m surprised to learn that the Black Eyed Peas stink. The pictures of Fergie peeing her pants on stage would lead me to think that they had a sour, kind of acidic, left-over milk smell. But I was way wrong: they apparently smell like a fat lady shitting out logs. We have no clue what the fat lady ate, but it is solid logs, so I am guessing she did not just run from the border. The Peas drop enough shit to keep toilets clogged and outside of toilets, they drop enough shit to keep the Billboard chart clogged because they were in the number one spot for 17 weeks in a row with 2 different songs. That’s like a third of a year. Holy shit.
How in the hell did this band get so popular? They are willfully stupid, singing about poop and humps and getting retarded. And yet, Corporate America laps it up because the Peas have had sponsorships from 3 Musketeers, Blackberry, Honda, Levi, Candies and Verizon. It’s like each song is a little gem. No, more that, it’s like individual pieces of shit falling out of a fat woman’s ass. The kind that smell like wet dogs.

Friday, March 12, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Echo

“And when you need a break, I'll let you up, I'll let you breathe, wash your face, get something to eat. Then come back to the bedroom and I'll be waiting for you right there, baby. I'll be waiting there to fuck like crazy…wanna hear you echo.” R. Kelly, Echo

R. Kelly is a generous lover. When most people just keep banging away until their lover asphyxiates, Robert lets his young lady take a deep breath and wash all the sweat, jizzim and horribly evil shame off of her face.

But even though Kells is generous, don’t think he’s super nice. He is waiting to fuck you like crazy. And since we know this man has already peed on people and married and hooked up with underage women, his crazy is a totally different crazy than your crazy. His crazy might involve sticking live lobsters into your butt hole. But that’s just Kells. That’s just the way he roles. And this mother fucker wants to hear you echo.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 35: Softer, Softest by Hole

“Pee girl gets the belt. Your milk makes me mind. Your milk is so sick. Your milk has a dye. Your milk has a dick.” Hole, Softer, Softest

Did she just tell me my milk has a dick? Courtney, Courtney... Long before she was letting young strangers suckle on her teats in public (see Kofi Asare), Courtney Love was disturbing us with lyrics about milk, or something like that. We’re going to go ahead and assume that this is a clumsily worded allusion to the money shot (a common obsession without which this site just wouldn’t exist) as opposed to a lyrical warning that there’s a penis floating in your cereal. If so, it is a bold new way to say things, like telling an unfortunate accident victim, “ooh, it looks like your gangrenous wound has a leg on it,” or “there’s a lot of leg falling up from your blood pool.”

Either way, it certainly is poetry. And how about the pee girl? The one that gets the belt? Actually, I heard her introduce this song in an acoustic performance (found it on YouTube) by saying “This is a song about the girl that always smelled like pee in your class.” I have to admit that I’m not sure I had one of these girls in any of my classes. Then again, it was hard to smell anything over my dyed dick milk.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 34: The Pill by Loretta Lynn

“This incubator is overused, because you've kept it filled. The feelin' good comes easy now since I've got the pill.” Loretta Lynn, The Pill

Here’s a sexy proposition: Do you wanna hook up with this lady who’s had a boat load of kids? Just babies falling out of her every 11 months or so. What if I sweeten the deal by telling you that she’s comparing her lady parts to an old, overused chicken incubator? Pretty sexy now, right?

I have never in my life heard someone so excited to be on birth control pills. Look, birth control pills are awesome for any number of reasons, but seriously, there are tons of other things you can do, like use a condom, or a diaphragm, or a vasectomy, or hell, how about just plain old pulling out? Instead, Loretta wants you to know you can shoot protein bullets at her all night long and she ain’t gonna get preggers! Yee haw!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 33: Slide It In by Whitesnake

“I can see what you're looking for. I know what you want from me. And I'm gonna give you more. I'm gonna slide it in, right to the top. Slide it in, I ain't never gonna stop. I'm gonna slide it in, slide it in, Slide it, in baby.” Whitesnake, Slide It In

David Coverdale, the singer and lead songwriter for Whitesnake, has never been accused of being subtle. Although Coverdale never says what he’s going to slide in, what the hell else could it be? His Capital One credit card into an ATM?

It’s not even that he wants to slide his white snake into her Tawny Kitaen. It’s how he wants to do it that’s pretty gross. The first thing this song makes me think is that I really hope they have Astro Glide or some lube, because it sounds like someone is going to have chafing. Repeatedly sliding it in and never stopping is not sexy. It just sounds tiring and repetitive. Kind of like listening to a Whitesnake album. Hmm. And by the way, Coverdale, I’m pretty sure that there has never been a girl who has begged for just the tip. Everyone wants it to the top.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 32: Finding Out True Love is Blind by Louis XIV

“Ah, chocolate girl, well you're looking like something I want. And your little Asian friend well, well she can come if she wants. I want all the self-conscious girls who try to hide who they are with makeup. You know it’s the girl with a frown with the tight pants I really want to shake up. Hey, carrot juice, I wanna squeeze you away until you bleed.” – Louis XIV, Finding Out True Love is Blind

True love may be blind, but Louis XIV is not. But the good news is, if you happen to be black, Asian, white, vanilla, self-conscious, smart, mad or dumb, the band Louis XIV is willing to fuck you.

This song is like the menu to an All-You-Can-Eat Sex buffet. What woman hasn’t dreamed of having her identity whittled down to “little Asian friend”? I kind of love that red haired women are called Carrot Juice, but I’m still kind of scared about what and how he is squeezing until it bleeds. I am hoping it is just some unfortunate backne. So long story short, ladies, if you are of some ethnicity and also are in possession of a vagina, and are willing to have sex that is perhaps best knows as opening for The Killers, you may want to head to a Louis XIV show.

A Small Child Dies and Week 7 Begins

Welcome to week 7 of Disgusting Lyric of the Day! I am shocked that we made it this far, considering that I have a panic attack at every day around 5 about what the next lyric will be.

I want to thank everyone for following us, and remind you that you can also follow me on Twitter (@MerrillHagan), friend us at Facebook or send in tips to me at DisgustingLyrics@gmail.com. We love hearing feedback, especially because this thing is cranked out in a lonely room. So, is there a song or a genre you think we need to cover more? What do you think about R. Keely Fridays? Are you ready for a switch-up? Tell us what you are thinking!
And again, if you like the blog, please repost us or recommend us, either on Tumblr or to your friends. We do this because we are whores for attention. So please, help us whore ourselves out as hard as we can, ok, daddy?

Friday, March 5, 2010

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Rock Star

“I'm telling you now the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing. Rocking to this guitars about to have me crowd surfing. Kells'll put on a show up until they close curtains. Then right after the show, back stage, your ass hurting.” – R. Kelly, Ludacris, Kid Rock, Rock Star

Welcome to the Holy Triumvirate of STDs, bad liquor and poor choices. R. Kelly and Kid Rock joined forces, somehow tricking Ludacris into teaming with them. I would have to imagine that there is not a ton of overlap in any of their fan bases, meaning that the ideal groupie for this concert would be a 17 year-old blonde trailer park girl with a gigantic ass who also likes a splash of pee with her groupie sex. I am not sure there is any line that is more of a turn off than “the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing.” It’s almost like a PSA that says, “Hey, you may think you want to hump R. Kelly now, but in nine months, all you’ll have to show for it is a fatherless baby, herpes and pictures of Kid Rock putting his little Joe C. in your mouth while R. Kelly puts his evil inside you from the back.”

But at least, R. Kelly shows at least some concept of science at the beginning of this lyric. Yes, Robert, unprotected sex can lead to the birth of a child. But I have to assume you have been engaging in anal sex, since this girl’s ass hurts, and I am fairly certain you can’t have butt babies.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 30: I Gotcha by Joe Tex

“You made me a promise and you’re gonna stick to it. You shouldn't have promised if you wasn't gonna do it. You saw me and ran in another direction. I'll teach you to play with my affection. Now give it here. You never should have promised to me. Give it here, don't hold back now. Give it here. Don't say nothing just give it here.” – Joe Tex, I Gotcha

This is probably the giggliest, happiest, funkiest song ever about a man raping a clearly terrified woman. Literally, nothing in this song makes Joe sound like a good person. When the girl in question sees him, she turns and runs in another direction hoping to escape. I have done some fucked up shit in relationships, and yet, no woman has ever turned and ran away when she saw me. In fact, most of them want to stick around so they can slap me and tell me off. At least Joe was able to catch up to this young lady and explain the way he’s feeling. You know, while he’s holding her down and forcing her to “give it here.”

Still though, this song is so awesome and infectious, I have to admit I sing along with it every time I hear it. Especially when I am raping.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 29: Free-For-All by Ted Nugent

“Well, looky here, you sweet young thing, the magic’s in my hands. When in doubt, I whip it out. I got me a rock ‘n roll band; it’s a free-for-all. Ooh, baby, yeah, it’s a free-for-all. Ow! Suck it.” - Ted Nugent, Free-For-All

Rock stars. While this particular lyric typifies the shameless lack of effort many a rock star will put into getting laid, it has a unique quality in that Nugent makes a bald-faced admission of what’s going on. “I got me a rock ‘n roll band.” This would be like Colin Hanks going to an audition and, instead of playing his part, simply saying, “I’m Tom Hanks’s son.” And then pulling his dick out of his pants. Which may be exactly what he does and who’s to say it isn’t the honest thing to do?

Nugent also notes - “when in doubt, I whip it out.” Now, not only does this imply repeat instances of showcasing his penis, but it also implies that this was not a sure thing in his head. And what could have been going through the sweet young thing’s head? Let’s imagine: “How did I end up talking with Ted Nugent? He must see that I’m not attracted to him. Oh my god. Oh my god. He took his dick out of his pants. He’s holding it. Oh god, he just called it his “magic.” I’m going to throw up. Somebody help me. Oh no. Oh... Oh my god. He just told me to suck it. I’m going to cry. Help. Somebody please help.”

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 28: Back to Black by Amy Winehouse

“He left no time for regret. Kept his dick wet with his same old safe bet.” Amy Winehouse, Back to Black

Amy Winehouse and sex go together like peanut butter and herpes. Look, Amy, the dude banging you may have seemed to left with regret, but he just got it on with a cracked-out, scabby cokehead. I am sure he has plenty of regrets. If not emotional ones, probably physical ones. Especially when the bumps start showing up.
Keeping your dick wet is probably one of the grosser euphemisms for sex I’ve ever heard of. Especially because Amy looks like all the fluids dried out of her a long time ago. Seriously. She looks like an extra dehydrated stick of jerky in a wig. I get itchy when I look at her. Any wetness from her would be from accidentally ripping the scabs open.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 27: Miracles by Jefferson Starship

“I had a taste of the real world when I went down on you, girl…When I pluck your body like a string, when I start dancing inside you. Oh baby, you make me wanna sing” Jefferson Starship, Miracles

When I was growing up, my mother was an accountant in an Engineering Office. I usually spent a large chunk of my summers hiding in their offices, drawing pictures of Batman on scraps of blueprints lying around, listening to the Lite radio station that was pumped into the entire office. It is no exaggeration to say that I heard this song at least 4 times a week. And now that I know what the lyrics are, every childhood memory I have is tainted. What is plucking a body like a string? Is that ripping out all of your body hair? Or like a really vigorous fingering? Because I am pretty sure I don’t want to picture any of those things. And I especially do not want to picture any of the middle-aged engineers my mom worked with doing that to each other.

The worst part is obviously tasting the real world. Jefferson Starship had Grace Slick in its lineup. Any song that combines her with the thought of cunnilingus is already evil. But the thought that eating Grace Slick out would suddenly make you see the world with new eyes rings somewhat true to me. Because if I ever came face-to-vagine with her, I would assume I would have to invent a whole new life because I would trash everything that came before. Because everything that brought me to that moment was wrong. I could never look at friends or family in the same way again without a sense of overwhelming and all consuming shame and sadness.