Friday, January 29, 2010

Disgusting Lyric R. Kelly Friday! : Sex In the Kitchen

Sex in the kitchen, over by the stove. Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls. Hands on the table, on your tippy toes. We’ll be making love like the restaurant was closed. – R. Kelly, In the Kitchen

R. Kelly starts with a kind of normal situation. He wants to have sex in the kitchen. Sure, it’s kind of unappetizing and God knows what the hell R. Kelly is going to do with buttered rolls. From what I have heard, he seriously has a problem with warm, golden liquids. And yeah, it’s potentially a health hazard, especially if you put your sensitive areas on a place where you were recently handling raw chicken. Still, as gross as an idea as a salmonella-filled vajayjay is, this is pretty mild territory for an R. Kelly song. Until he suddenly mentions, by the way, let’s do this like no one else is in the restaurant. So…R. Kelly is having sex in the kitchen of a packed restaurant? Forget nobody seeing you, R., I don’t want your love juices anywhere near my Riblets Basket. This is one reason why I never eat anywhere you can’t see exactly what is going on in the kitchen.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 05: Summer Girls By LFO

“Do you remember? Do you remember when we met that summer? New Kids On the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick.” – LFO, Summer Girls

Hey, Rich Cronin, the lead singer of LFO, wants to know if you remember him? He was that guy who was really, really into “The Right Stuff” and “Step By Step”? Not ringing any bells? Maybe this will jog your memory. He was also that guy who had insane diarrhea after you went to the Golden Buddha? Remember now? He kept running to the bathroom after his Sweet and Sour Pork? That guy who had that faint whiff of sickness and feces on him? He shat blood? Well, he totally remembers you, girl, and Ol’ Poopy wants to know if you still wanna knock them boots? We’re guessing no.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 04: Turning Japanese by The Vapors

“I want a doctor to take your picture so I can look at you from inside as well.” – The Vapors, Turning Japanese

The Vapors were an English band that existed way back in 1980, a much more innocent time where you could write outlandishly racist songs about other cultures with complimentary racist gong tones accompanying it. Yes, other races certainly do look different and act differently than white people! The Vapors lead singer/songwriter David Fenton mostly just sings about looking at a picture of his missing girlfriend. And then, he pulls out this little couplet making you wonder why the girl is missing in the first place. You want to look at your girlfriend’s insides? How in the hell is this sexy? Who the fuck wants a picture of the inside of a person? This is straight up Jack The Ripper territory. Look, I’ve been married for a long time now. I have never once thought, I wonder what the inside of my wife’s duodenum looks like. Hell, I don’t even want to know what my insides look like. You can find porn on any subject, shape or size. You can see every square inch of the outside of a human body. The outside! No one wants to see the insides, you creepy serial killer. Also, please never buy an animal.

It’s Not a Memo, It’s a Mission Statement

Hello, Internet World. Welcome to the fourth day of Disgusting Lyric of the Day. I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself and this blog. My friend (and future site co-writer) and I love music. Specifically, shitty popular music. We’re going to be making fun of a lot of songs, some we love, some we hate. My pledge is that we will have new content every weekday sometime between 5 – 8 PM. So, check it at night or check it in the morning. It will be here waiting for you and for free.

All I ask in return is that if you like the blog, come back and see it again. And if you really like it, spread the word to your friends. Just shoot them an IM or a Facebook notice. They don’t want to be working anyways. And if you really really love what you’re reading, click on one of these ads so we can make a little cash. We are not above admitting we are professional whores.

And finally, what do you guys think of the name “Disgusting Lyric of the Day?” We are not totally married to it. This is all new for us too. Thoughts? Leave them in the comments! And finally, a lot of you guys have said you have an idea for a disgusting lyric. If you have a lyric that you have always hated/loved, send it to our brand new email: Thanks, for reading!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 03: Tonight's the Night by Rod Stewart

“Spread your wings and let me come inside.” – Rod Stewart, Tonight’s the Night

Rod Stewart is famous for many things, like being awesome in the seventies and then being awful for the rest of his life. Rod’s also known for having his stomach pumped after swallowing Richard Gere’s gerbil, who then himself had to have his stomach pumped for swallowing a gallon of Elton John’s semen, which is an awful lot of semen for a gerbil. But Mr. Stewart is probably best known for having hair like a frightening bird creature that one might see in an 80’s era Jim Henson fantasy film. Which helps make this line even more disgusting. Birds have legs they walk on and wings they fly with. So how do wings translate to legs exactly? Is Rod having sex with some hybrid bird-human type creation that only he can communicate with? Because no human has ever had sex with another human after basically saying, “Spread your legs, because I’m about to get all up in there.” But Rod doesn’t just want to sex up this foul birdthing, he wants to full on shoot a load inside of it. Every time you hear this song, try to not think of Rod hip deep inside of Big Bird, lost in the throes of a lusty romance.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 02: Your Body Is a Wonderland by John Mayer

“One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain. One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue.” – John Mayer, Your Body is a Wonderland

John Mayer is incredibly good looking, a funny talk show guest and a soul-crushingly boring musician. Also, judging by “Your Body is a Wonderland,” he is apparently dating a freak of nature. The young Mr. Mayer’s lady friend has some horrible skin complexion that makes her normally elastic skin seem like the same substance I eat my dinner off of. Who hasn’t dreamed of having their complexion being compared favorably to the creepy porcelain Precious Moments figurines. The lucky lady in question also has candy lips. They taste great and you can rip them off for a quick after-sex snack. But by far, the most disgusting part of this lyric by Mr. Mayer is the bubblegum tongue. Where to even start? Who hasn’t looked at a wad of chewed up, flavorless Bazooka and thought, “Yes, this is what my girlfriend’s tongue is exactly like. In fact, I would like her to drag this sticky, formless substance across my nether regions.” That is exactly why millions of teenage boys jerk off with a mouthful of Big League Chew in their hands. Congratulations! You’re not dating a woman, John. You’re fucking a candy dish.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 01: The Good Life by Kanye West

Have you ever popped champagne on a plane while getting’ some brain? Whipped it out, she said, ‘I never seen Snakes on a Plane.’” – Kanye West, The Good Life

Kanye West shows his mastery of time and place by setting the scene with intense detail. The listener is asked to imagine Mr. West on an airplane, opening and drinking a bottle of fine French champagne while a young lady is performing fellatio on him. Which, while probably wildly disturbing to the other passengers on the aircraft, fits the song’s theme of living the “good life.” And then, Mr. West places his penis in as a character in a late-period Samuel L. Jackson film. West presumes a fatal flaw here: While comparing your penis’s power to Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction would be acceptable, comparing your penis to a slimy animal that tries to kill Samuel L. Jackson with its teeth is just disgusting.