“Spread your wings and let me come inside.” – Rod Stewart, Tonight’s the Night
Rod Stewart is famous for many things, like being awesome in the seventies and then being awful for the rest of his life. Rod’s also known for having his stomach pumped after swallowing Richard Gere’s gerbil, who then himself had to have his stomach pumped for swallowing a gallon of Elton John’s semen, which is an awful lot of semen for a gerbil. But Mr. Stewart is probably best known for having hair like a frightening bird creature that one might see in an 80’s era Jim Henson fantasy film. Which helps make this line even more disgusting. Birds have legs they walk on and wings they fly with. So how do wings translate to legs exactly? Is Rod having sex with some hybrid bird-human type creation that only he can communicate with? Because no human has ever had sex with another human after basically saying, “Spread your legs, because I’m about to get all up in there.” But Rod doesn’t just want to sex up this foul birdthing, he wants to full on shoot a load inside of it. Every time you hear this song, try to not think of Rod hip deep inside of Big Bird, lost in the throes of a lusty romance.