Disgusting Lyric of the Day 22: Father Figure by George Michael

“ Just for one moment, to be warm and naked at my side. Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me. But something tells me together, we'd be happy. I will be your father figure,” George Michael, Father Figure

This song starts off with a tone that is dripping in intense sexuality. It’s almost as if Sade and Prince had a baby and that baby is going straight for the button fly on your 501 jeans. But much like George Michael in a public bathroom, when it gets to the actual sex part, it’s not especially well thought out, kind of disgusting and could have been done with a lot less embarrassment to all parties concerned.

I don’t want to be judgmental here, but I am pretty sure that a lady who is looking for a father figure in a sex partner might not be the most mentally stable person of all time. My father gave me five dollars a week to mow the yard, take out the trash and whatever the hell else he needed me to do. Occasionally, he beat the shit out of me and he also signed my report cards. One thing we never were, though, was warm or naked together. Hell, I can’t (or won’t) even imagine my mother being warm or naked with my father. The only way this song could get more creepy is if George Michael’s offered to be your “Uncle Bad Touch figure.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 19: Little Red Corvette by Prince

"I guess I must be dumb because you had a pocket full of horses – Trojans and some of them used. But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it alright, you say ‘what have I got to lose?" - Prince, Little Red Corvette

What have you got to lose? What have you got to lose by sleeping with a woman who has used condoms in her pockets? Where exactly do you draw the line? Because I think it would be less disturbing if the lyric was “She’d taken a dump in her pants, but you know, it was Saturday, so I banged her anyway.” Shitting yourself is gross and all, but at least there could be an explanation behind it. Carrying used condoms around, on the other hand, is just hygienically unacceptable and psychotic. 

Okay, the song, which is a cover by tribute band Purple Reign, is embedded below, but it could become a dead link soon. Prince tends to be less forgiving of intellectual property thievery than he is of personal choices, like whether or not to stockpile other peoples' ejaculate on your person.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 18: Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5

“Does it kill? Does it burn? Is it painful to learn that it’s me that has all the control? Does it thrill? Does it sting when you feel what I bring?” - Maroon 5, Harder to Breathe

Somebody has some weiner issues! There’s a lot of questions in this lyric from Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine, and God, I hope there are a lot of multiple answers. Because right now, this thing reads like an ode to the Predator of cocks. Judging from the back half of this thing, it sounds like some skinny kid wants you to know that he’s bringing the thunder between his legs. He’s telling you that he has a giant rod and that you are going to feel it. And oh yeah, it’s going to be thrilling. The first half though, also sounds like some weird penis power trip, but by someone who has no clue about what anyone interested in sex would be into. “Does it kill? Does it burn?” God, I hope not. Killing, burning penises are powerful, but in a so fucking sick who would ever want to hear about kind of way. This thrilling, burning, giant dick is like Godzilla. Sure, it’s thrilling and in charge and some people survive it, but most people in Tokyo would just as soon rather it stayed under the ocean and never reared it’s head in the first place.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 10: Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman by Bryan Adams

“You’ve got to breathe her, really taste her, until you can feel her in your blood. And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman.” – Bryan Adams, Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman

Bryan Adams may be best known as a singer-songwriter who gave up all credibility in the nineties so he could sing songs for really crappy movies about old action heroes. And just like the movies he sang for (Robin Hood, Three Musketeers and Don Juan De Marco), none of these songs are especially well thought of these days. You have to breathe and taste a woman to love her? What in the hell does that mean? What are you breathing and tasting exactly? You know what, Ol’ Craggly Face, I don’t want to picture you putting your mouth on anything. I’ve “tasted” ladies in my day, and they kind of all taste the same: not great. If it was a good taste, they would make “lady” flavored candy. But no wants to taste that if you’re not getting anything else out of it. By far, though, the most disgusting lyric is seeing an unborn child in her eyes. What in the hell? Did you just unload on this woman’s face, dude? Not cool. Not cool at all. Bryan Adams may also be the first man in history to be turned on by the idea of his unborn children. No other man has ever been aroused by the idea of making a baby. Sure, the actual baby-making part is great, but the idea of creating a baby out of that is not that erotic. If you want to get your husband to immediately crawl off of you, just say that you want him to put a baby inside of you. It will stop any sex from happening for days. Trust me.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 09: Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band

“Oh, you come crash into me and I come into you. Hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me. In a boy’s dream.” – Dave Matthews Band, Crash Into Me

If you were white and went to the college in the nineties, you probably had at least one friend who wore a hemp necklace and American Eagle cargo shorts who swore Dave Matthews was the best thing ever. That friend has now porked up and is living in the suburbs, where he is working on his third kid and his fourth viewing of The Hangover, but still listening to DMB on Easy 98.5. Even going past the really inane come/cum lyric, this song is seriously gross. Is Dave Matthews calling this lady’s vagina her world? Look, I love vaginas, but in the geography of a woman, a vagina is like South America. It’s a totally awesome continent with really fun things to do and it is sometimes dangerous. But South America ain’t the whole world. Believe me, you want to also spend time in Asia and Europe. And if you’re adventurous, maybe go back to Africa. But even after this whole, let me drive my seed in you because your vagina is the whole world lyric, Dave makes it even more disgusting. In a boy’s dream? Why are you dragging little boys into this, Dave?

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 08: Stuck On You by Elvis Presley

“Hide in the kitchen. Hide in the hall. Ain’t gonna do you no good at all. Cause once I catch ya and the kissing starts, a team of wild horses couldn’t tear us apart.” – Elvis Presley, Stuck On You

This song was Elvis’ first recording after he was released from the Army and clearly, poor Sgt. Presley came back a changed man from his time in the armed services. Elvis’ message with this song is that he is never going to stop chasing you down. Sure, you can say you want him to go away, but he is going to stick. Like glue. You may want a moment alone, but you ain’t getting it. You’re going to be like one of those creepy couples who are comfortable pooping with the bathroom door wide open. So, the man is clingy. That could be livable. But then, Elvis tells his girlfriend, hey bitch, it’s no use hiding. Go anywhere the hell you want. The kitchen, the hall, the basement, your parents’ house, the set of Two and a Half Men. It doesn’t matter how desolate and unpleasant a place you go, he will find you. He’s like the T2 of date rapists. And a team of wild horses, your sorority sisters and a security guard couldn’t tear him off.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 07: All I Want to Do is Make Love to You by Heart

“And in the morning when he woke, all I left him is a note. I told him, ‘I am the flower. You are the seed. We walked in a garden. We planted a tree. Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare. Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there.” – Heart, All I Want To Do Is Make Love to You

Welcome to the song that ruined Heart. Any awesomeness from “Barracuda” is outweighed by the sheer volume of shittitude from this turd fest. So, for those of you following along at home, Ann Wilson finds a drifter shuffling around in the rain, throws him in her car, takes him back to a hotel and has sex with him so she can have a baby. Sounds like a really awesome plan! What could go wrong from having unprotected sex from a drifter? He probably has really awesome genes you want to pass along to your children because there’s no chance he’s mentally unstable! So, Ann has her way with this dude and leaves this insane note. Is Ann the flower or is she the soil? Is she the soil, and her vagina is a flower growing from her lady soil? And the dirt clod they buried from which the tree grew her womb? It's all very confusing. At least he’ll always be in her memory. And his drifter herpes will always be in her blood.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 05: Summer Girls By LFO

“Do you remember? Do you remember when we met that summer? New Kids On the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick.” – LFO, Summer Girls

Hey, Rich Cronin, the lead singer of LFO, wants to know if you remember him? He was that guy who was really, really into “The Right Stuff” and “Step By Step”? Not ringing any bells? Maybe this will jog your memory. He was also that guy who had insane diarrhea after you went to the Golden Buddha? Remember now? He kept running to the bathroom after his Sweet and Sour Pork? That guy who had that faint whiff of sickness and feces on him? He shat blood? Well, he totally remembers you, girl, and Ol’ Poopy wants to know if you still wanna knock them boots? We’re guessing no.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 04: Turning Japanese by The Vapors

“I want a doctor to take your picture so I can look at you from inside as well.” – The Vapors, Turning Japanese

The Vapors were an English band that existed way back in 1980, a much more innocent time where you could write outlandishly racist songs about other cultures with complimentary racist gong tones accompanying it. Yes, other races certainly do look different and act differently than white people! The Vapors lead singer/songwriter David Fenton mostly just sings about looking at a picture of his missing girlfriend. And then, he pulls out this little couplet making you wonder why the girl is missing in the first place. You want to look at your girlfriend’s insides? How in the hell is this sexy? Who the fuck wants a picture of the inside of a person? This is straight up Jack The Ripper territory. Look, I’ve been married for a long time now. I have never once thought, I wonder what the inside of my wife’s duodenum looks like. Hell, I don’t even want to know what my insides look like. You can find porn on any subject, shape or size. You can see every square inch of the outside of a human body. The outside! No one wants to see the insides, you creepy serial killer. Also, please never buy an animal.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 02: Your Body Is a Wonderland by John Mayer

“One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain. One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue.” – John Mayer, Your Body is a Wonderland

John Mayer is incredibly good looking, a funny talk show guest and a soul-crushingly boring musician. Also, judging by “Your Body is a Wonderland,” he is apparently dating a freak of nature. The young Mr. Mayer’s lady friend has some horrible skin complexion that makes her normally elastic skin seem like the same substance I eat my dinner off of. Who hasn’t dreamed of having their complexion being compared favorably to the creepy porcelain Precious Moments figurines. The lucky lady in question also has candy lips. They taste great and you can rip them off for a quick after-sex snack. But by far, the most disgusting part of this lyric by Mr. Mayer is the bubblegum tongue. Where to even start? Who hasn’t looked at a wad of chewed up, flavorless Bazooka and thought, “Yes, this is what my girlfriend’s tongue is exactly like. In fact, I would like her to drag this sticky, formless substance across my nether regions.” That is exactly why millions of teenage boys jerk off with a mouthful of Big League Chew in their hands. Congratulations! You’re not dating a woman, John. You’re fucking a candy dish.