“She comes round and she goes down on me. And I make her smile, it's like a drug for you, do ever what you want to do, coming over you…Those little red panties, they pass the test. Slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress.” – Third Eye Blind, Semi-Charmed Life
Semi-Charmed Life is the fucking worst. It is easily the worst song from Third Eye Blind, a band that could charitably be counted as among the worst bands of the late nineties which was easily the worst decade for music in the twentieth century. And yet, this fucking awful song, by Third Eye Blind lead singer Stephan Jenkins, was everywhere. It’s a little poison pill that hides in a ton of 90’s movies, just to let you know what two-year-window this film was relevant in. Hell, it was in “The Tigger Movie.” Not bad for a song about some filthy meth heads having scratchy, grimy meth sex with each other.
Where to even start with this horrible song? Stephan Jenkins’ girlfriend comes over and blows him. That is about as much detail as I need in any description of any sexual act that does not personally involve me. And yet, Stephan continues to describe cumming over his ladyfriend. Which is not too surprising. Meth heads give the best blowjobs because they have no teeth. Just pure gums. But later, Stephan intriguingly says her little red panties pass the test. What test? The test to see if there is something that can cover and hide his meth addicted girlfriend’s hideous bony, pimple-ridden ass? But, the test really doesn’t matter, because ol’ Stephan is soon sliding those panties on up to her belly. Normally, we’d say this is physically impossible to pull panties up instead of down for sex, unless they were crotchless panties, which is really just too disgusting for words. But then again, these are meth heads we’re talking about. He may have just banged her through the panties. It’s not like he was feeling anything anyways. At least the girl ended up face down so when she finally passes out, her semen-and-meth-filled vomit will drain away, absolving her of the possibility of choking to death on her own sick.