Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: Oh No, Not You Again

“Everybody's talking, showing off their wits. The moon is yellow but I'm like jello staring down your tits.” The Rolling Stones, Oh No, Not You Again

I hate it when gelatin desserts stare at my private parts.
Honestly, Mick, it is not helping your image as being old as shit when you compare your self to a dessert that only kids and old people without teeth are really excited about getting.

Ridiculous Glee Cover Lyric of the Day 79: Poker Face by Lady Gaga

“I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, ‘cause I’m bluffin’ with my muffin. I’m not lying, I’m just stunning with my love-glue-gunning.” Lady Gaga, Poker Face

I won’t say that I know for a fact what Lady Gaga is talking about, but love-glue has got to be about semen, right? Which makes me sad for Gaga. The last time I got glue from a glue gun all over my hands, blood blistered up immediately and made a sticky, bloody mess. If that’s what getting hit with ejaculate is like for her, sex has got to be a living hell.

When Rolling Stone asked Gaga about this specific lyric, Gaga said, "Obviously, it's my pussy's poker face!” I am not sure how you can tell when a vagina has a poker face or not. They are usually pretty inscrutable, as far as body parts go. Although, I once did meet a vagina that was holding a pair of pocket nines.

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 78: Your Song by Elton John

“If I was a sculptor, but then again, no...You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue. Anyways the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen.” Elton John, Your Song

If I was a civil engineer, but then again, no. Sculpting involves using a hammer and chisel to create a hard and permanent shape out of marble. Not the best career choice for a guy who can’t even wish he has a sculptor for 10 whole seconds.
The whole song is about a guy who doesn’t have any money so he writes this song for his lover. Unfortunately the song seems tossed off as shit. “I don’t know what color your eyes are but I know they are pretty,” is about as unsexy a line as possible. And yet, just the first few notes of this song are enough to get your mom’s panties damp. The early seventies were a weird time for music.

Ridiculous Lumped In Lyric of the Day 77: My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas

“What you gon' do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? I'm a make, make, make, make you scream. ‘Cause of my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps. Check it out.” – The Black Eyed Peas, My Humps


Nothing good has ever been associated with the word lumps. No one wants lumpy gravy. If you’re bad, Santa leaves you a lump of coal. And when you check for cancer, you feel for lumps, especially on your humps. There has never been a good lump of anything, and that goes double for Fergie’s lady lumps.

Ridiculous Existential Lyric of the Day 76: I Am…I Said by Neil Diamond

‘"I am," I said. To no one there. And no one heard at all, not even the chair,” Neil Diamond, I Am…I Said

So…does the chair usually hear you, Neil? Does it normally say shit back to you? Because if you’re looking for a chair to start hanging on your every thought, you might want to say something more interesting than, “I am.”

If I was a sentient chair stuck in Neil Diamond’s house, I’d probably want to kill myself. Your whole life would be a non-stop swirl of rhinestones rubbed across your face and the scent of Aqua-Net jammed up your nose. Then again, you would get to cradle Neil’s forever-in-blue jeans ass, so I guess there’s a trade off.

Why So Ridiculous

Hey guys.

So, welcome to the former Disgusting Lyrics and the current Ridiculous Lyrics. We’re not as disgusting as we used to be, but we’re still pretty damn ridiculous. Why did I change it? Well, a lot of reasons.

A lot of friend sites were afraid to link to a site that is blatantly called Disgusting Lyrics. And I get that. I used to work for a place that had “Adult” right in the title but was afraid to link to MGMT videos, so I know people get nervous.

Secondly, and more importantly…I was getting tired of writing dick jokes. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever do that again. It just felt like it was becoming an increasingly huge trap. The last week I wrote Disgusting Lyrics, I made an entry about Limp Bizkit. I knew some of Limp Bizkit growing up in Florida and long story short, they weren’t exactly pleasant. One of them way more than the other band members (I am not naming names but the really dicky one wears a red baseball hat and has a self-made porno and his name is Fred Durst). When I started making fun of Limp Bizkit and dredging around in Korn lyrics, I knew it was time for a change.

The site will broaden to make fun of lyrics and songs that had weird lyrics but not always filthy ones (although I know those will still be well represented). I also have a new Twitter feed, and you can still be our friend on Facebook. I also have a new blog that features a lot of my other writing in the world of comic books, cartoons and television and you can see that here.

It has been a fun ride for 75 posts. I really can’t believe I have written that many entries. Thank you for all of your support, your re-blogs and for emailing the site to your friends. I appreciate you all.

Upgrade

Hey everyone,

We have to take a week off from the blog for a working vacation. Sorry for the late notice. We have a couple of new ideas planned for when we come back and I personally can't wait to get back to the lyrics.

I can't say thank you enough to our supporters and followers. This blog was a fun lark and we keep it going because of all the comments, support and feedback from you guys. Thanks so much for everything.

See you next week,
Merrill

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: BROWN SUGAR

“Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields. Sold in a market down in New Orleans. Scarred old slaver know he doing all right. Hear him whip the women just around midnight. Ah, brown sugar, how come you taste so good?” The Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar


This might be the greatest song about slave rape ever made. Hopefully, it is also the only song about slave raping ever made.

Mick Jagger has even said that he doesn’t think he could write this song currently because he would censor himself. Which part would be the part that went too far, Mick? The slave raping or the part where the raper asks his slaves why they taste so good?

Disgusting Underage Lyric of the Day 74: Age Ain't Nothing But a Number by Aaliyah

“Age ain’t nothing but a number. Throwing down ain’t nothing but a thing. This lovin’ I have for you. It’ll never change.” Aaliyah, Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number

This song, sung by the late Aaliyah, doesn’t sound that bad at first. There really isn’t anything objectionable about the idea hearing the song without context. But Aaliyah was only 15 when she sang this song. Oh, and by the way, the song was written be her then 27-year-old husband, R. Kelly.

Yup. R. Kelly cracked the top 40 with his ode to underage love. Age ain’t nothing but a number and the minimum number in most states is 18.

Disgusting Swingers Lyric of the Day 73: Afternoon Delight by The Starland Vocal Band

"Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite...I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite, but you got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight. Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight." - The Starland Vocal Band, Afternoon Delight

Every metaphor in Afternoon Delight sounds disgusting, but it's hard to figure out why. Confusing things even more is the fact that Starland Vocal Band was made up of two married couples who seem to be the perviest group the 70's ever launched.

"Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite" seems like it should be foul, but why? I mean, a penis equals stick, obviously, but is he calling her vagina a rock? If so, his ladyfriend should seek out industrial strength moisturizer immediately.

The fish one is even weirder. Is he saying that his girlfriend is the fish? Because it kind of seems like he's about to make some sick kind of fish smell joke. But then he says, "You got some bait a waitin'." "Bait" as in worms? Like your sex partner has a worm you want to nibble on a la a penis? So, you want to try sucking a dick? But then, why are you nibbling on a dick?

Am I reading too deeply into a song where sex is compared to a skyrocket in flight? Probably. Am I happy that metaphors about sex have pretty much disappeared in current music to a point where you just blatantly talk about sex acts? Probably not.

Disgusting Disco Lyric of the Day 72: Love You Inside Out by The Bee Gees

“I am the man who loves you inside and out, backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out, “ The Bee Gees, Love You Inside Out

The Bee Gees don’t love you just because of the way that you look. They love your insides. Specifically, the places that they can get inside of you on the backside and also in the more forward facing regions. And as you ponder how three brothers are singing at once in the first person, you might feel something brush up against you. Don’t worry. That’s just their “heart.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 71: Nookie by Limp Bizkit

“Maybe she just made a mistake and I should give her a break. My heart'll ache either way… I won't lie that I can't deny I did it all for the nookie (come on) the nookie (come on). So you can take that cookie and stick it up your (yeah)” Limp Bizkit, Nookie

Has there ever been a band that just screams “shithead” as loudly as Limp Bizkit? The backwards baseball hats, the sad little cover of George Michael’s “Faith,” the weird rants about other artists and the claims about having sex with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. We all get it. You are in desperate need of attention.

“Nookie” is the true Rosetta Stone of understanding just how sad Limp Bizkit really is. After whining about his girlfriend taking his money and sleeping with his friends, Fred tells everyone how heartbroken he is and how he keeps taking this girl back and letting her hurt him again. Why would he do such a thing? Why, he does it so he can bang her. Ugh.

You did it all for the nookie? That’s like a five year old being sent to their room and yelling at their parents that they wanted to go to their room anyways. Or a guy who gets fired and yells, “You can’t fire me, I quit.” Really, Fred? You let all your friends bang your girl and you gave her all your money because the sex was that good? I’ve seen your (very) sad sex tape, so I am guessing the sex was probably not that great to start with.

But don’t worry. Fred’s girl can take her cookie and shove it up her ass. Whatever the hell that means. Maybe you can tell her to eat some boogers and that her hair smells and her dress looks like poo poo, too. Way to go, song writing champion!

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: It's Only Rock & Roll (But I Like It)

“If I could stick a knife in my heart. Suicide right on stage. Would it be enough for your teenage lust? Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain? ...Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya? Would ya think the boy's insane? He's insane,” The Rolling Stones, It’s Only Rock and Roll (But I Like It)

Nope, Mick. I am pretty sure if I saw someone stick a knife in their own heart, it would not help to ease my brain. It may actually hurt my brain even more. That’s pretty fucked up. If seeing someone rip into their own flesh and muscles satisfies your teenage lust, you are the kind of person who probably should not be allowed to have boners.

But I do agree with you on one count. I would think the boy’s insane. Because he is insane.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 69: Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) by Big & Rich

“Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy. And the girls say, ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy.’” Big and Rich, Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)

Welcome to the death of country music. Back in the old days, Johnny Cash might make a novelty song about a boy named Sue. Big and Rich have come along to strip away any kind of wit. Save a Horse, ride a cowboy? What kind of bullshit is that? It’s like that 70’s era slogan, “Conserve water, shower with a friend.” Except people actually wanted to conserve water. Who the fuck cares about saving horses from being ridden on? It’s like going ten miles out of the way to make some lame joke about some girl riding on a cowboy’s junk, except when you finally get there, the joke is still as shitty as hell.
Why is it shitty?

Well, first, although everyone has heard the word “ride” used sexually, it is never used like riding a horse. A lot of people use the phrase “do someone” to mean sex too. But, there is nothing sexual about saying “I want to do a crossword puzzle.” Hell, I say “fuck that noise” at least three times a day. Doesn’t mean I want to stick my dick in a CD player. So, congratulations for bringing horses into sex.

And secondly, since Big and Rich are the only ones actually riding horses in the song, are the girls telling them to get off a horse and fuck some other dude? It’s pretty clear that Cowboy Troy has his eyes on one of those guys.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 68: Whatever Gets You Thru the Night by John Lennon

“Whatever gets you through the night, it’s all right. It’s all right. It’s your money or your life. It’s all right, it’s all right. Don’t need a sword to cut through flowers,” John Lennon, Whatever Gets You Thru the Night

What in the hell was going down at John Lennon’s house in the middle of the night? My choices in the middle of the night are, “Do I watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air” on TV Land or “The Cosby Show” on Nick at Nite? John Lennon’s choices are his money or his life? What kind of choices are those? That’s not all right, John. That is actually pretty awful. And why is there a sword involved? You know who owns swords? People who are either way too into the Lord of the Rings or people who are way to into Martial Arts. What the hell is he doing cutting flowers in the night anyways? Here’s what will get you through the night: an Ambien.

He Never Gives Up

First things first, I sincerely thank everyone for coming to the site, and especially those of you who have friended us on Facebook, followed on Twitter or have sent tip emails in to disgustinglyrics@gmail.com

I just wanted to take a quick detour and let you know about another project I am doing. Some of you know that I also write comic books and cartoons. I have a GI Joe comic coming out tomorrow, GI Joe Origins #15, featuring the character Snow Job. If you are into comic books, or just into GI Joe, consider picking it up this week. The early reviews have been more than I could have ever asked for. And if you’re not into comics or GI Joe, don’t sweat it. We will still have some fun here every evening!

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 67: Ice Cream Man by Van Halen

“I'm usually passin' by just around eleven o'clock and if ya' let me cool you one time, you'll be my regular stop. I got bim bam banana pops, dixie cups all flavors and pushups, too! I'm your ice cream man, stop me when I'm passin' by. See now all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy!” – Van Halen, Ice Cream Man

To be honest, there’s not a whole lot in the lyrics that are that filthy. I mean, yes, the idea of David Lee Roth having any kind of job that deals with kids is inherently weird, but not actually disgusting.

But when you hear ol’ Diamond Dave actually sing this thing, well, it’s clear that he’s talking about making an ice cream sandwich. By which I mean, he is talking about sex. And sadly, there may be no better current metaphor of sex with David Lee than a big olf Vanilla Sundae Waffle Cone. It may look like it is strong, but it has been baked for a while and is deceptively fragile. The toppings seem ok from a distance, but when you get close, you realize that the shredded coconut is kind of artificially brightened and actually kind of sparse. And if you don’t take care of it fast enough, you’re just gonna be left with a drippy white puddle oozing down your arm.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 66: Laffy Taffy by D4L

“Laffy Taffy, I’m likin’ this. Big ole ass you shaking, bitch. Close yo mouth and don’t say shit. Bend on over and hit a split. Girl, shake that Laffy Taffy.” D4L, Laffy Taffy

Well, over 60 entries in to this thing and I’ve still hit a first. Awesome reader Trish sent a suggestion in for the song Laffy Taffy, which I kind of vaguely remembered being popular a few years back. I listened to the song again and it was still as awful as always. It sounds like a handicapped version of a Ying Yang Twins song, which is no small feat seeing as one of the members of the Ying Yang Twins actually has cerebral palsy.

So, I mentally prepared to write an entry about fat squishy candy butts, but I went ahead and did my usual research on the song and discovered two amazing facts. First, this song hit #1 in 2006. And second, the phrase “Laffy Taffy” in this number one song is actually slang for a stretched out labia that one may see at a broke ass strip club.

What the fuck.

This is the first time I have been too disgusted for words by a song at Disgusting Lyric of the Day. This whole song was just misogynist as hell when it was about girls shaking their asses and not talking. Now that I know it is about worn out vagina lips flopping in the breeze, it’s just kind of sad. Also, is Laffy Taffy the best way to describe that on a lady? Laffy Taffy is colorful and stretchy, but also kind of soft and flowy. What about Jacks Links Jerky? That has more of the texture that you expect to find at your shittier strip clubs.