“This is number one sex that we’re having here girl. You better ask somebody. Can’t nobody do it like us. Can’t nobody mix chop and screw it like us. All over the living room hitting it like us.” R. Kelly, Number One
Oh man, R. Number one sex? What in the hell is number two sex? Actually, you know what, I am pretty sure I don’t want to know anymore. What I can’t understand is why a man who’s been accused multiple times of peeing on underage girls would release a song about Number One Sex. We all get it, Kells. You like to pee on people.
The rest of the song also fails to make any sense. You better ask somebody about if you’re having number one sex? What in the hell does that mean? Who is she going to ask? The guy who’s filming it? I know what the best sex I ever had is and I never had to ask anyone about it. I was there. I already know. Also, I don’t know of any sex moves requiring you to mix chop and screw it, but I am not sure I would want my penis involved in any kind of mixing or chopping scenario.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 25: Animals by Nickelback
“I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth. Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch. It felt so good, I almost drove into a ditch,” Nickelback, Animals
Animals is the disgusting story of Chad Kroeger, the Man-Collie of Nickelback, and his attempts at having sex in a car with a teenage girl, both of whom apparently blow. First of all, I can hardly stand to look at Chad Kroger’s face. The very idea, no mater how unlikely, that I could be driving down the road and accidentally see him having sex in the car next to me is enough to make me want to telecommute for the rest of my life. Although, I do wonder if the canary yellow, overly shaggy carpet matches the frizzed out, Lassie’s ass looking drapes?
Anyways, Chad snickers that his girlfriend is trying to talk with her mouth full. Of his penis. Look, Chaddy...first of all, don’t flatter yourself. You’re a gangly blonde Canadian. I am sure there was plenty of left over room in her mouth for talking. Oddly though, the idea of you having a car accident while having a blow job is oddly appealing to me. Probably because there would be penis related trauma that could severely impact your ability to inflict a Chad Kroeger Jr on us in twenty years. But also because it would not only hurt you, but could also hurt people who would willingly have sex with Nickelback, a category of people that need to be eliminated from the planet.
Animals is the disgusting story of Chad Kroeger, the Man-Collie of Nickelback, and his attempts at having sex in a car with a teenage girl, both of whom apparently blow. First of all, I can hardly stand to look at Chad Kroger’s face. The very idea, no mater how unlikely, that I could be driving down the road and accidentally see him having sex in the car next to me is enough to make me want to telecommute for the rest of my life. Although, I do wonder if the canary yellow, overly shaggy carpet matches the frizzed out, Lassie’s ass looking drapes?
Anyways, Chad snickers that his girlfriend is trying to talk with her mouth full. Of his penis. Look, Chaddy...first of all, don’t flatter yourself. You’re a gangly blonde Canadian. I am sure there was plenty of left over room in her mouth for talking. Oddly though, the idea of you having a car accident while having a blow job is oddly appealing to me. Probably because there would be penis related trauma that could severely impact your ability to inflict a Chad Kroeger Jr on us in twenty years. But also because it would not only hurt you, but could also hurt people who would willingly have sex with Nickelback, a category of people that need to be eliminated from the planet.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 24: Work It by Missy Elliot
“Call before you come, I need to shave my chacha. You do or you don't or you will or you won't cha. Go downtown and eat it like a vulture.” Missy Elliot, Work It
Hey, if you’re thinking of going to Missy Elliot’s house for a booty call, give the girl a pretty good head’s up because she is going to want to shave all the pubes off her cooter for you. Because who doesn’t like a body part just as it’s freshly shaven and raw and bumpy. I hope that’s not too big a turn off, because she wants you to spend a lot of time face first down there. Specifically, she wants you to go down on her just like a bird that rips the meat off of the bones of dead animals. Just stick your horrific beak in there and rip her apart. Who hasn’t seen footage of vultures eating a dead gazelle and thought, wow, I wish I had that kind of shear destructive power directed at my most sensitive places.
Sorry Missy. You are awesome and I love you. But this line is gross. There’s no sly innuendo, just eat it. And apparently tear and swallow it.
Hey, if you’re thinking of going to Missy Elliot’s house for a booty call, give the girl a pretty good head’s up because she is going to want to shave all the pubes off her cooter for you. Because who doesn’t like a body part just as it’s freshly shaven and raw and bumpy. I hope that’s not too big a turn off, because she wants you to spend a lot of time face first down there. Specifically, she wants you to go down on her just like a bird that rips the meat off of the bones of dead animals. Just stick your horrific beak in there and rip her apart. Who hasn’t seen footage of vultures eating a dead gazelle and thought, wow, I wish I had that kind of shear destructive power directed at my most sensitive places.
Sorry Missy. You are awesome and I love you. But this line is gross. There’s no sly innuendo, just eat it. And apparently tear and swallow it.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 23: American Bad Ass by Kid Rock
Who knew I'd blow up like Oklahoma? Said, “Fuck high school,” pissed on my diploma. Smell the aroma. Check my hits. I know it stinks in here, ‘cause I'm the shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” Kid Rock, American Bad Ass
The majority of American Bad Ass is just a list of artists that Kid Rock idolized, including The Rolling Stones, Johnny Cash, The Beastie Boys and Run DMC. Oh, and I almost forgot, he also professed his love for Limp Bizkit. Guess whose influence you can hear the most of in Kid Rock’s work? (Hint: It’s the really stupid one.)
Every portion of this song is idiotic. The reference to the Oklahoma Bombing was edited out on MTV and the radio. I’m not sure why. Nothing is more bad ass than an explosion that kills innocent people set by some lunatics with some vague point. Also Bad Ass? Not caring about an education! As dumb and caveman-like as all this crap is, it’s almost passable until Kid Rock says he’s the shit. Look, the phrase is stupid, we’ve all used it, everyone’s guilty. But Kid Rock is the first person to make it feel like literal shit. You can vividly feel every hot, greasy, yellow turd in this thing. And you know that Kid Rock has some nasty shits. The man is like a walking KFC commercial.
The majority of American Bad Ass is just a list of artists that Kid Rock idolized, including The Rolling Stones, Johnny Cash, The Beastie Boys and Run DMC. Oh, and I almost forgot, he also professed his love for Limp Bizkit. Guess whose influence you can hear the most of in Kid Rock’s work? (Hint: It’s the really stupid one.)
Every portion of this song is idiotic. The reference to the Oklahoma Bombing was edited out on MTV and the radio. I’m not sure why. Nothing is more bad ass than an explosion that kills innocent people set by some lunatics with some vague point. Also Bad Ass? Not caring about an education! As dumb and caveman-like as all this crap is, it’s almost passable until Kid Rock says he’s the shit. Look, the phrase is stupid, we’ve all used it, everyone’s guilty. But Kid Rock is the first person to make it feel like literal shit. You can vividly feel every hot, greasy, yellow turd in this thing. And you know that Kid Rock has some nasty shits. The man is like a walking KFC commercial.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 22: Father Figure by George Michael
“ Just for one moment, to be warm and naked at my side. Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me. But something tells me together, we'd be happy. I will be your father figure,” George Michael, Father Figure
This song starts off with a tone that is dripping in intense sexuality. It’s almost as if Sade and Prince had a baby and that baby is going straight for the button fly on your 501 jeans. But much like George Michael in a public bathroom, when it gets to the actual sex part, it’s not especially well thought out, kind of disgusting and could have been done with a lot less embarrassment to all parties concerned.
I don’t want to be judgmental here, but I am pretty sure that a lady who is looking for a father figure in a sex partner might not be the most mentally stable person of all time. My father gave me five dollars a week to mow the yard, take out the trash and whatever the hell else he needed me to do. Occasionally, he beat the shit out of me and he also signed my report cards. One thing we never were, though, was warm or naked together. Hell, I can’t (or won’t) even imagine my mother being warm or naked with my father. The only way this song could get more creepy is if George Michael’s offered to be your “Uncle Bad Touch figure.”
This song starts off with a tone that is dripping in intense sexuality. It’s almost as if Sade and Prince had a baby and that baby is going straight for the button fly on your 501 jeans. But much like George Michael in a public bathroom, when it gets to the actual sex part, it’s not especially well thought out, kind of disgusting and could have been done with a lot less embarrassment to all parties concerned.
I don’t want to be judgmental here, but I am pretty sure that a lady who is looking for a father figure in a sex partner might not be the most mentally stable person of all time. My father gave me five dollars a week to mow the yard, take out the trash and whatever the hell else he needed me to do. Occasionally, he beat the shit out of me and he also signed my report cards. One thing we never were, though, was warm or naked together. Hell, I can’t (or won’t) even imagine my mother being warm or naked with my father. The only way this song could get more creepy is if George Michael’s offered to be your “Uncle Bad Touch figure.”
Friday, February 19, 2010
R. Kelly Fridays!!!: I'm a Flirt
“Your old lady look at me, ‘cuz you ain’t hitting it right. She probably used to like you ‘cause you the business type. That’s until I came along and put some dick in her life. Wanna see?” – R. Kelly, T.I. & T-Pain, “I’m a Flirt”
R. Kelly is a flirt. He’s also a man that has repeatedly hooked up with underage girls and allegedly pees on them. But he is also a flirt. You won’t believe this, but Kells and I have way different definitions of what being a flirt is. Flirting to most people is maybe a suggestive line, telling a funny story and maybe buying a drink. But in this song, R. has greatly expanded flirting to also include fucking other people’s wives and his girlfriend’s friends. So, unless you want to see what the inside of the local Public Health Clinic looks like, never ever let R. Kelly flirt with you.
Luckily, T.I. has tagged along on this flirting adventure to tell us why it’s so easy to get with your girl. As it turns out, you have been having sex wrong and your girlfriend is in need of dick in her life. Dick, by the way, is the most common thing to find on this planet. If you are a woman and the thing you most need is dick, you have done something horribly wrong, because most guys will just give you dick for free. Even when you don’t want it, they will still want to give it to you. If anything, most people suffer from a dick surplus. Just go to chatroulette. You can see at least 8 dicks within 10 minutes. And if that’s not enough dick, T.I. will happily show you the video he made of him banging your whore girlfriend.
R. Kelly is a flirt. He’s also a man that has repeatedly hooked up with underage girls and allegedly pees on them. But he is also a flirt. You won’t believe this, but Kells and I have way different definitions of what being a flirt is. Flirting to most people is maybe a suggestive line, telling a funny story and maybe buying a drink. But in this song, R. has greatly expanded flirting to also include fucking other people’s wives and his girlfriend’s friends. So, unless you want to see what the inside of the local Public Health Clinic looks like, never ever let R. Kelly flirt with you.
Luckily, T.I. has tagged along on this flirting adventure to tell us why it’s so easy to get with your girl. As it turns out, you have been having sex wrong and your girlfriend is in need of dick in her life. Dick, by the way, is the most common thing to find on this planet. If you are a woman and the thing you most need is dick, you have done something horribly wrong, because most guys will just give you dick for free. Even when you don’t want it, they will still want to give it to you. If anything, most people suffer from a dick surplus. Just go to chatroulette. You can see at least 8 dicks within 10 minutes. And if that’s not enough dick, T.I. will happily show you the video he made of him banging your whore girlfriend.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 20: Back in the Saddle by Aerosmith
“The girls are soaking wet. No tongue's drier than mine. I'll come when I get back.” – Aerosmith, Back In the Saddle
Poor Steven Tyler. This lyric is an ode to a man who has no luck. Every girl around him is so turned on that they are literally soaking wet. It should be easy to get laid in such a moist atmosphere. But poor old Stevey. No tongue is drier than his. Literally everyone else is getting more than him. And if you have ever seen Steven Tyler’s massive lips, it is hard to believe that the tongue inside that saliva filled cavern has ever been less than damp. But there it is. He is so put off that he won’t even bother to have sex now. Steven will just come when he gets back, thinking about what all of the luckier fellas have been up to. Nothing like sloppy seconds.
Poor Steven Tyler. This lyric is an ode to a man who has no luck. Every girl around him is so turned on that they are literally soaking wet. It should be easy to get laid in such a moist atmosphere. But poor old Stevey. No tongue is drier than his. Literally everyone else is getting more than him. And if you have ever seen Steven Tyler’s massive lips, it is hard to believe that the tongue inside that saliva filled cavern has ever been less than damp. But there it is. He is so put off that he won’t even bother to have sex now. Steven will just come when he gets back, thinking about what all of the luckier fellas have been up to. Nothing like sloppy seconds.
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