Disgusting Underage Lyric of the Day 74: Age Ain't Nothing But a Number by Aaliyah

“Age ain’t nothing but a number. Throwing down ain’t nothing but a thing. This lovin’ I have for you. It’ll never change.” Aaliyah, Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number

This song, sung by the late Aaliyah, doesn’t sound that bad at first. There really isn’t anything objectionable about the idea hearing the song without context. But Aaliyah was only 15 when she sang this song. Oh, and by the way, the song was written be her then 27-year-old husband, R. Kelly.

Yup. R. Kelly cracked the top 40 with his ode to underage love. Age ain’t nothing but a number and the minimum number in most states is 18.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Pregnant

“Until I met this girl in the club with an unbelievable booty. Sweetest girl in the world and I mean it and on top of that she’s a cutie…Never felt nothing like this. She’s more than a mistress, enough to handle my business. Now put that girl in my kitchen. Girl, you wanna make me get you pregnant.” – R. Kelly, Tyrese, Robin Thicke, Pregnant

R. Kelly has found a girl with a hot ass. And on top of that, she’s actually presentable. So no need to put a bag over this one’s face before you pound her from behind. In fact, she looks good enough that R. is willing to let her cook meals for him. He may even knock her up with one of his kids!

Every girl dreams that one day, when she’s 15, she’ll have an ass nice enough for R. Kelly to notice her. So then, she can stay home and crap out babies for him and cook him Hamburger Helper. But don’t get too attached. Because soon, you’ll be 18 and he’ll be moving on to the next chick whose ass hasn’t collapsed from the weight of carrying his death seed.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Echo

“And when you need a break, I'll let you up, I'll let you breathe, wash your face, get something to eat. Then come back to the bedroom and I'll be waiting for you right there, baby. I'll be waiting there to fuck like crazy…wanna hear you echo.” R. Kelly, Echo

R. Kelly is a generous lover. When most people just keep banging away until their lover asphyxiates, Robert lets his young lady take a deep breath and wash all the sweat, jizzim and horribly evil shame off of her face.

But even though Kells is generous, don’t think he’s super nice. He is waiting to fuck you like crazy. And since we know this man has already peed on people and married and hooked up with underage women, his crazy is a totally different crazy than your crazy. His crazy might involve sticking live lobsters into your butt hole. But that’s just Kells. That’s just the way he roles. And this mother fucker wants to hear you echo.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Rock Star

“I'm telling you now the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing. Rocking to this guitars about to have me crowd surfing. Kells'll put on a show up until they close curtains. Then right after the show, back stage, your ass hurting.” – R. Kelly, Ludacris, Kid Rock, Rock Star

Welcome to the Holy Triumvirate of STDs, bad liquor and poor choices. R. Kelly and Kid Rock joined forces, somehow tricking Ludacris into teaming with them. I would have to imagine that there is not a ton of overlap in any of their fan bases, meaning that the ideal groupie for this concert would be a 17 year-old blonde trailer park girl with a gigantic ass who also likes a splash of pee with her groupie sex. I am not sure there is any line that is more of a turn off than “the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing.” It’s almost like a PSA that says, “Hey, you may think you want to hump R. Kelly now, but in nine months, all you’ll have to show for it is a fatherless baby, herpes and pictures of Kid Rock putting his little Joe C. in your mouth while R. Kelly puts his evil inside you from the back.”

But at least, R. Kelly shows at least some concept of science at the beginning of this lyric. Yes, Robert, unprotected sex can lead to the birth of a child. But I have to assume you have been engaging in anal sex, since this girl’s ass hurts, and I am fairly certain you can’t have butt babies.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Number One

“This is number one sex that we’re having here girl. You better ask somebody. Can’t nobody do it like us. Can’t nobody mix chop and screw it like us. All over the living room hitting it like us.” R. Kelly, Number One

Oh man, R. Number one sex? What in the hell is number two sex? Actually, you know what, I am pretty sure I don’t want to know anymore. What I can’t understand is why a man who’s been accused multiple times of peeing on underage girls would release a song about Number One Sex. We all get it, Kells. You like to pee on people.

The rest of the song also fails to make any sense. You better ask somebody about if you’re having number one sex? What in the hell does that mean? Who is she going to ask? The guy who’s filming it? I know what the best sex I ever had is and I never had to ask anyone about it. I was there. I already know. Also, I don’t know of any sex moves requiring you to mix chop and screw it, but I am not sure I would want my penis involved in any kind of mixing or chopping scenario.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: I'm a Flirt

“Your old lady look at me, ‘cuz you ain’t hitting it right. She probably used to like you ‘cause you the business type. That’s until I came along and put some dick in her life. Wanna see?” – R. Kelly, T.I. & T-Pain, “I’m a Flirt”
R. Kelly is a flirt. He’s also a man that has repeatedly hooked up with underage girls and allegedly pees on them. But he is also a flirt. You won’t believe this, but Kells and I have way different definitions of what being a flirt is. Flirting to most people is maybe a suggestive line, telling a funny story and maybe buying a drink. But in this song, R. has greatly expanded flirting to also include fucking other people’s wives and his girlfriend’s friends. So, unless you want to see what the inside of the local Public Health Clinic looks like, never ever let R. Kelly flirt with you.
Luckily, T.I. has tagged along on this flirting adventure to tell us why it’s so easy to get with your girl. As it turns out, you have been having sex wrong and your girlfriend is in need of dick in her life. Dick, by the way, is the most common thing to find on this planet. If you are a woman and the thing you most need is dick, you have done something horribly wrong, because most guys will just give you dick for free. Even when you don’t want it, they will still want to give it to you. If anything, most people suffer from a dick surplus. Just go to chatroulette. You can see at least 8 dicks within 10 minutes. And if that’s not enough dick, T.I. will happily show you the video he made of him banging your whore girlfriend.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Ignition (Remix)

“Now it's like “Murder, She Wrote” once I get you out them clothes. Privacy is on the door, still they can hear you screaming more. Girl, I'm feeling what you feeling. No more hoping and wishing, I'm about to take my key and stick it in the ignition” – R.Kelly, Ignition (Remix)

Why in the hell is it “Murder She Wrote” when R. Kelly gets this woman out of her clothes? If you’re girlfriend’s naked body is comparable to the saggy and wrinkled Angela Lansbury, you have serious problems, R. Kelly. Especially because you tend to seek out teenagers. Or is it ‘Murder She Wrote” because having sex with you is like watching a mystery show that was so flaccid, millions of elderly people chose to fall asleep to it’s dulcet writing? I hope you’re not saying it’s “Murder, She Wrote” because she’s screaming like she’s being murdered. Because, Robert, I know there’s supposedly a thin line between pleasure and pain, but it’s not really that thin. By the way, comparing your penis to a key is gross. Yeah, it’s stiff and it goes in a hole, but a key is also incredibly crooked and grimy. And, it’s usually in my pants and I instinctively handle it a few times a day. Wow, maybe penises and keys aren’t such bad comparisons after all.

Disgusting Lyric R. Kelly Friday! : Same Girl

“We’ve been messing with the same girl. She’s the apple of my eye and my potential wife. Same girl. Man, I can’t believe we’ve been messing with the same damn girl.” – R. Kelly and Usher, Same Girl

This song is so disgusting on so many levels. Any girl that has been sleeping with both Usher and R. Kelly is, at this point, probably a chemical toilet, filled with enzymes and bacteria not seen by the likes of human kind. You’d have better luck making love to the Alien and still keeping your penis than coming anywhere near this monstrosity. And if R. Kelly is saying that this girl is his potential wife, she’s also probably around 15 years old. The proof that Usher and R. Kelly discover about them sharing the same girl is also ridiculous. She has a tattoo on her ankle, works at TBS and likes Waffle House? Well, that narrows it down to about 145 people. The only thing that is truly surprising is that R. Kelly and Usher would be this upset about having sex with the same girl and had not already both banged her simultaneously.

Disgusting Lyric R. Kelly Friday! : Sex In the Kitchen

Sex in the kitchen, over by the stove. Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls. Hands on the table, on your tippy toes. We’ll be making love like the restaurant was closed. – R. Kelly, In the Kitchen

R. Kelly starts with a kind of normal situation. He wants to have sex in the kitchen. Sure, it’s kind of unappetizing and God knows what the hell R. Kelly is going to do with buttered rolls. From what I have heard, he seriously has a problem with warm, golden liquids. And yeah, it’s potentially a health hazard, especially if you put your sensitive areas on a place where you were recently handling raw chicken. Still, as gross as an idea as a salmonella-filled vajayjay is, this is pretty mild territory for an R. Kelly song. Until he suddenly mentions, by the way, let’s do this like no one else is in the restaurant. So…R. Kelly is having sex in the kitchen of a packed restaurant? Forget nobody seeing you, R., I don’t want your love juices anywhere near my Riblets Basket. This is one reason why I never eat anywhere you can’t see exactly what is going on in the kitchen.