Disgusting Lyric of the Day 20: Back in the Saddle by Aerosmith

“The girls are soaking wet. No tongue's drier than mine. I'll come when I get back.” – Aerosmith, Back In the Saddle

Poor Steven Tyler. This lyric is an ode to a man who has no luck. Every girl around him is so turned on that they are literally soaking wet. It should be easy to get laid in such a moist atmosphere. But poor old Stevey. No tongue is drier than his. Literally everyone else is getting more than him. And if you have ever seen Steven Tyler’s massive lips, it is hard to believe that the tongue inside that saliva filled cavern has ever been less than damp. But there it is. He is so put off that he won’t even bother to have sex now. Steven will just come when he gets back, thinking about what all of the luckier fellas have been up to. Nothing like sloppy seconds.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 13: Squeeze Box by The Who

“She goes in and out and in and out and in and out. She’s playing all night and the music’s all right. Mama’s got a squeeze box, Daddy never sleeps at night.” – The Who, Squeeze Box

The Who are a band that is renowned for their sheer energetic performances, influential musical concepts and their terrifying ideas about what’s sexy. Sure, comparing coitus with the in and out of an accordion gets the whole pumping angle across, but what a horrific image. Accordions are played by three types of people: Insane gypsies, fat polka dudes and Weird Al Yankovic, none of which should make anyone think of anything remotely sex-related. Accordions also have the unfortunate appearance of looking like a scrote sac, one of the most un-erotic pieces of flesh available on a human body. Seriously, bend over and look at yourself from behind in a mirror tonight and wonder why anyone would ever have sex with something that has that connected to it. But if the whole idea of polka-sound-tracked, grindingly repetitive love doesn’t bother you, here’s something that might. You see, Pete Townshend wasn’t writing about nubile, young lovers monotonously pumping all night long. He’s talking about Mama and Dad. Yup. Dad’s work problems and stress? They're caused by your nympho mom who will not let him stop banging her. And it’s not great sex either. Oh, it’s “all right.” But, the old lady ain’t banging out Beethoven up in here. Congratulations, The Who. You have written a whole song about the explicit details and noises of parents having sex, which is about the least sexy thing anyone can imagine at any time ever.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 08: Stuck On You by Elvis Presley

“Hide in the kitchen. Hide in the hall. Ain’t gonna do you no good at all. Cause once I catch ya and the kissing starts, a team of wild horses couldn’t tear us apart.” – Elvis Presley, Stuck On You

This song was Elvis’ first recording after he was released from the Army and clearly, poor Sgt. Presley came back a changed man from his time in the armed services. Elvis’ message with this song is that he is never going to stop chasing you down. Sure, you can say you want him to go away, but he is going to stick. Like glue. You may want a moment alone, but you ain’t getting it. You’re going to be like one of those creepy couples who are comfortable pooping with the bathroom door wide open. So, the man is clingy. That could be livable. But then, Elvis tells his girlfriend, hey bitch, it’s no use hiding. Go anywhere the hell you want. The kitchen, the hall, the basement, your parents’ house, the set of Two and a Half Men. It doesn’t matter how desolate and unpleasant a place you go, he will find you. He’s like the T2 of date rapists. And a team of wild horses, your sorority sisters and a security guard couldn’t tear him off.