“Ah, chocolate girl, well you're looking like something I want. And your little Asian friend well, well she can come if she wants. I want all the self-conscious girls who try to hide who they are with makeup. You know it’s the girl with a frown with the tight pants I really want to shake up. Hey, carrot juice, I wanna squeeze you away until you bleed.” – Louis XIV, Finding Out True Love is Blind
True love may be blind, but Louis XIV is not. But the good news is, if you happen to be black, Asian, white, vanilla, self-conscious, smart, mad or dumb, the band Louis XIV is willing to fuck you.
This song is like the menu to an All-You-Can-Eat Sex buffet. What woman hasn’t dreamed of having her identity whittled down to “little Asian friend”? I kind of love that red haired women are called Carrot Juice, but I’m still kind of scared about what and how he is squeezing until it bleeds. I am hoping it is just some unfortunate backne. So long story short, ladies, if you are of some ethnicity and also are in possession of a vagina, and are willing to have sex that is perhaps best knows as opening for The Killers, you may want to head to a Louis XIV show.
Monday, March 8, 2010
A Small Child Dies and Week 7 Begins
Welcome to week 7 of Disgusting Lyric of the Day! I am shocked that we made it this far, considering that I have a panic attack at every day around 5 about what the next lyric will be.
I want to thank everyone for following us, and remind you that you can also follow me on Twitter (@MerrillHagan), friend us at Facebook or send in tips to me at DisgustingLyrics@gmail.com. We love hearing feedback, especially because this thing is cranked out in a lonely room. So, is there a song or a genre you think we need to cover more? What do you think about R. Keely Fridays? Are you ready for a switch-up? Tell us what you are thinking!
And again, if you like the blog, please repost us or recommend us, either on Tumblr or to your friends. We do this because we are whores for attention. So please, help us whore ourselves out as hard as we can, ok, daddy?
I want to thank everyone for following us, and remind you that you can also follow me on Twitter (@MerrillHagan), friend us at Facebook or send in tips to me at DisgustingLyrics@gmail.com. We love hearing feedback, especially because this thing is cranked out in a lonely room. So, is there a song or a genre you think we need to cover more? What do you think about R. Keely Fridays? Are you ready for a switch-up? Tell us what you are thinking!
And again, if you like the blog, please repost us or recommend us, either on Tumblr or to your friends. We do this because we are whores for attention. So please, help us whore ourselves out as hard as we can, ok, daddy?
Friday, March 5, 2010
R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Rock Star
“I'm telling you now the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing. Rocking to this guitars about to have me crowd surfing. Kells'll put on a show up until they close curtains. Then right after the show, back stage, your ass hurting.” – R. Kelly, Ludacris, Kid Rock, Rock Star
Welcome to the Holy Triumvirate of STDs, bad liquor and poor choices. R. Kelly and Kid Rock joined forces, somehow tricking Ludacris into teaming with them. I would have to imagine that there is not a ton of overlap in any of their fan bases, meaning that the ideal groupie for this concert would be a 17 year-old blonde trailer park girl with a gigantic ass who also likes a splash of pee with her groupie sex. I am not sure there is any line that is more of a turn off than “the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing.” It’s almost like a PSA that says, “Hey, you may think you want to hump R. Kelly now, but in nine months, all you’ll have to show for it is a fatherless baby, herpes and pictures of Kid Rock putting his little Joe C. in your mouth while R. Kelly puts his evil inside you from the back.”
But at least, R. Kelly shows at least some concept of science at the beginning of this lyric. Yes, Robert, unprotected sex can lead to the birth of a child. But I have to assume you have been engaging in anal sex, since this girl’s ass hurts, and I am fairly certain you can’t have butt babies.
Welcome to the Holy Triumvirate of STDs, bad liquor and poor choices. R. Kelly and Kid Rock joined forces, somehow tricking Ludacris into teaming with them. I would have to imagine that there is not a ton of overlap in any of their fan bases, meaning that the ideal groupie for this concert would be a 17 year-old blonde trailer park girl with a gigantic ass who also likes a splash of pee with her groupie sex. I am not sure there is any line that is more of a turn off than “the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing.” It’s almost like a PSA that says, “Hey, you may think you want to hump R. Kelly now, but in nine months, all you’ll have to show for it is a fatherless baby, herpes and pictures of Kid Rock putting his little Joe C. in your mouth while R. Kelly puts his evil inside you from the back.”
But at least, R. Kelly shows at least some concept of science at the beginning of this lyric. Yes, Robert, unprotected sex can lead to the birth of a child. But I have to assume you have been engaging in anal sex, since this girl’s ass hurts, and I am fairly certain you can’t have butt babies.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 30: I Gotcha by Joe Tex
“You made me a promise and you’re gonna stick to it. You shouldn't have promised if you wasn't gonna do it. You saw me and ran in another direction. I'll teach you to play with my affection. Now give it here. You never should have promised to me. Give it here, don't hold back now. Give it here. Don't say nothing just give it here.” – Joe Tex, I Gotcha
This is probably the giggliest, happiest, funkiest song ever about a man raping a clearly terrified woman. Literally, nothing in this song makes Joe sound like a good person. When the girl in question sees him, she turns and runs in another direction hoping to escape. I have done some fucked up shit in relationships, and yet, no woman has ever turned and ran away when she saw me. In fact, most of them want to stick around so they can slap me and tell me off. At least Joe was able to catch up to this young lady and explain the way he’s feeling. You know, while he’s holding her down and forcing her to “give it here.”
Still though, this song is so awesome and infectious, I have to admit I sing along with it every time I hear it. Especially when I am raping.
This is probably the giggliest, happiest, funkiest song ever about a man raping a clearly terrified woman. Literally, nothing in this song makes Joe sound like a good person. When the girl in question sees him, she turns and runs in another direction hoping to escape. I have done some fucked up shit in relationships, and yet, no woman has ever turned and ran away when she saw me. In fact, most of them want to stick around so they can slap me and tell me off. At least Joe was able to catch up to this young lady and explain the way he’s feeling. You know, while he’s holding her down and forcing her to “give it here.”
Still though, this song is so awesome and infectious, I have to admit I sing along with it every time I hear it. Especially when I am raping.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 29: Free-For-All by Ted Nugent
“Well, looky here, you sweet young thing, the magic’s in my hands. When in doubt, I whip it out. I got me a rock ‘n roll band; it’s a free-for-all. Ooh, baby, yeah, it’s a free-for-all. Ow! Suck it.” - Ted Nugent, Free-For-All
Rock stars. While this particular lyric typifies the shameless lack of effort many a rock star will put into getting laid, it has a unique quality in that Nugent makes a bald-faced admission of what’s going on. “I got me a rock ‘n roll band.” This would be like Colin Hanks going to an audition and, instead of playing his part, simply saying, “I’m Tom Hanks’s son.” And then pulling his dick out of his pants. Which may be exactly what he does and who’s to say it isn’t the honest thing to do?
Nugent also notes - “when in doubt, I whip it out.” Now, not only does this imply repeat instances of showcasing his penis, but it also implies that this was not a sure thing in his head. And what could have been going through the sweet young thing’s head? Let’s imagine: “How did I end up talking with Ted Nugent? He must see that I’m not attracted to him. Oh my god. Oh my god. He took his dick out of his pants. He’s holding it. Oh god, he just called it his “magic.” I’m going to throw up. Somebody help me. Oh no. Oh... Oh my god. He just told me to suck it. I’m going to cry. Help. Somebody please help.”
Rock stars. While this particular lyric typifies the shameless lack of effort many a rock star will put into getting laid, it has a unique quality in that Nugent makes a bald-faced admission of what’s going on. “I got me a rock ‘n roll band.” This would be like Colin Hanks going to an audition and, instead of playing his part, simply saying, “I’m Tom Hanks’s son.” And then pulling his dick out of his pants. Which may be exactly what he does and who’s to say it isn’t the honest thing to do?
Nugent also notes - “when in doubt, I whip it out.” Now, not only does this imply repeat instances of showcasing his penis, but it also implies that this was not a sure thing in his head. And what could have been going through the sweet young thing’s head? Let’s imagine: “How did I end up talking with Ted Nugent? He must see that I’m not attracted to him. Oh my god. Oh my god. He took his dick out of his pants. He’s holding it. Oh god, he just called it his “magic.” I’m going to throw up. Somebody help me. Oh no. Oh... Oh my god. He just told me to suck it. I’m going to cry. Help. Somebody please help.”
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 28: Back to Black by Amy Winehouse
“He left no time for regret. Kept his dick wet with his same old safe bet.” Amy Winehouse, Back to Black
Amy Winehouse and sex go together like peanut butter and herpes. Look, Amy, the dude banging you may have seemed to left with regret, but he just got it on with a cracked-out, scabby cokehead. I am sure he has plenty of regrets. If not emotional ones, probably physical ones. Especially when the bumps start showing up.
Keeping your dick wet is probably one of the grosser euphemisms for sex I’ve ever heard of. Especially because Amy looks like all the fluids dried out of her a long time ago. Seriously. She looks like an extra dehydrated stick of jerky in a wig. I get itchy when I look at her. Any wetness from her would be from accidentally ripping the scabs open.
Amy Winehouse and sex go together like peanut butter and herpes. Look, Amy, the dude banging you may have seemed to left with regret, but he just got it on with a cracked-out, scabby cokehead. I am sure he has plenty of regrets. If not emotional ones, probably physical ones. Especially when the bumps start showing up.
Keeping your dick wet is probably one of the grosser euphemisms for sex I’ve ever heard of. Especially because Amy looks like all the fluids dried out of her a long time ago. Seriously. She looks like an extra dehydrated stick of jerky in a wig. I get itchy when I look at her. Any wetness from her would be from accidentally ripping the scabs open.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 27: Miracles by Jefferson Starship
“I had a taste of the real world when I went down on you, girl…When I pluck your body like a string, when I start dancing inside you. Oh baby, you make me wanna sing” Jefferson Starship, Miracles
When I was growing up, my mother was an accountant in an Engineering Office. I usually spent a large chunk of my summers hiding in their offices, drawing pictures of Batman on scraps of blueprints lying around, listening to the Lite radio station that was pumped into the entire office. It is no exaggeration to say that I heard this song at least 4 times a week. And now that I know what the lyrics are, every childhood memory I have is tainted. What is plucking a body like a string? Is that ripping out all of your body hair? Or like a really vigorous fingering? Because I am pretty sure I don’t want to picture any of those things. And I especially do not want to picture any of the middle-aged engineers my mom worked with doing that to each other.
The worst part is obviously tasting the real world. Jefferson Starship had Grace Slick in its lineup. Any song that combines her with the thought of cunnilingus is already evil. But the thought that eating Grace Slick out would suddenly make you see the world with new eyes rings somewhat true to me. Because if I ever came face-to-vagine with her, I would assume I would have to invent a whole new life because I would trash everything that came before. Because everything that brought me to that moment was wrong. I could never look at friends or family in the same way again without a sense of overwhelming and all consuming shame and sadness.
When I was growing up, my mother was an accountant in an Engineering Office. I usually spent a large chunk of my summers hiding in their offices, drawing pictures of Batman on scraps of blueprints lying around, listening to the Lite radio station that was pumped into the entire office. It is no exaggeration to say that I heard this song at least 4 times a week. And now that I know what the lyrics are, every childhood memory I have is tainted. What is plucking a body like a string? Is that ripping out all of your body hair? Or like a really vigorous fingering? Because I am pretty sure I don’t want to picture any of those things. And I especially do not want to picture any of the middle-aged engineers my mom worked with doing that to each other.
The worst part is obviously tasting the real world. Jefferson Starship had Grace Slick in its lineup. Any song that combines her with the thought of cunnilingus is already evil. But the thought that eating Grace Slick out would suddenly make you see the world with new eyes rings somewhat true to me. Because if I ever came face-to-vagine with her, I would assume I would have to invent a whole new life because I would trash everything that came before. Because everything that brought me to that moment was wrong. I could never look at friends or family in the same way again without a sense of overwhelming and all consuming shame and sadness.
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