Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 91: Lonesome Loser by The Little River Band

“Have you heard about the lonesome loser? He’s a loser but he keeps on trying.” – The Little River Band, Lonesome Loser

Of course I haven’t heard about the lonesome loser. He’s a dude that keeps to himself and also sucks. Who would voluntarily spend time talking about him? In fact, why is there a whole song about this asshole? It seems like he’s pretty well summed up in one line. “Oh, he’s a loser but he keeps on trying? Sounds awfully tedious. Please sing some more about this unfortunate man.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 90: Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

“I smell sex and candy here. Who's that lounging in my chair?” Marcy Playground, Sex and Candy


Why does this song always make me picture two Oompa Loompas just going to town on each other while Willy Wonka watches, lounging in a chair and playing with his everlasting gobstopper?


Here is the problem: Sex is amazing. Candy is delicious. Smelling other people’s sex or candy is just upsetting, mainly because you are not the one getting a blow job or a Mr. Goodbar. Also, because smelling someone else’s bodily functions is just nasty. You might as well be sniffing farts and peanut butter.

What's Going On

Hey guys,

Just a quick pop in to let you know what happened and what is happening with the blog. A few of you know that I am also a writer/producer of comic books and television shows. I am currently neck deep in a new show that will be announced at the San Diego Comic Con in two weeks. This show has consumed my life and has left me with little time for anything else. I feel awful not updating this blog every weekday (something I managed to do for months). But I can't and won't do half ass posts. So I am taking a little time off and will update when I can. Sorry for the break. I am grateful that so many of you checked the blog and I hope to be back with some more entries soon.

Thank you so much for you time. It means more to me than I can say.

Merrill

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 89: Africa by Toto

“The wild dogs cry out in the night, as they grow restless longing for some solitary company. I know that I must do what’s right, sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.” Toto, Africa

How in the fuck are you going to describe a mountain as being like another mountain? That’s like saying that my pet greyhound is fast like a dog. Well no shit. Does your Toyota get you around like a Honda?

This is the kind of shit I think about when I am alone, longing for solitary company, which is also impossible to have because the two words have fucking opposite meanings. You know what, Toto? How about just going back to plotting on how to steal Roseanna Arquette back from Peter Gabriel?

Ridiculous Swedish Lyric of the Day 88: The Sign by Ace of Base

“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong. But where do you belong?” Ace of Base, The Sign

I saw the sign, too, Ace of Base, and the sign said: “Stop.”

This song borders on making sense a few times. Some dude treated this lady pretty bad, I get that. Then the chorus brings the weirdness. Life is demanding without understanding. But shit, its not like life is all hummus and tootsie rolls with understanding either. And then, what is all this crap about being dragged up and into light? What fucking light are you talking about? Why do some people belong in light and some don’t? What the fuck is “the sign” anyways? And why does every Swedish rock group get compared to Abba?

Oh, I actually just did see “the sign” and it said, “Best if Used by 1994.”

Ridiculous Hair Lyric of the Day 87: To Be With You by Mr. Big

“You can make my life worthwhile and I can make you start to smile.” Mr. Big, To Be With You

So, this girl makes your whole life worth living. And in return, you kind of can make her sort of smile? What a shitty trade off.

Granted her last boyfriend sounds like a crapbag too, but then again, dating the lead singer of Mr. Big isn’t some kind of major achievement either.

RIDICULOUS NSFW PAULA DEEN LYRIC OF THE DAY 86: TWINCEST by Le SEXOFLEX

"Let me tell you about my brother. He is my lover from the same mother. He tastes like butter, under the covers." Le Sexoflex, Twincest

In a (pretty NSFW) video that is filled with insane imagery, one image grosses us out the most. Look, butter can be ok on toast or corn or pancakes, but fellating a stick of butter is maybe a step too far. If that is what penis tastes like, I am pretty sure that is why Mrs. Dash got married in the first place: To avoid all those buttery blow jobs.

Le Sexoflex - Twincest from Le Sexoflex on Vimeo.

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: Anybody Seen My Baby?

“She was more than beautiful, closer to ethereal. With a kind of down to earth flavor.” The Rolling Stones, Anybody Seen My Baby?


Welcome to the phoning it in era of the Rolling Stones. Look, this girl is two opposites: “Down to Earth” and “Ethereal!” Is she also a blonde with a kind of brunette look? Brainy with a kind of casual dumb? Leggy but with amazing boobs? I guess it’s only fitting that Mick would be into a woman that can be described as opposites since The Rolling Stones could have two opposites thrown at them too: “Legendary Musicians” and “Lots of Shitty Songs too.”

Let’s be honest: this song, as well as most of the album Bridges to Babylon, is about 8 shades of embarrassing. As much as I love the Stones, I don’t think anyone can justify Biz Markie rapping on top of a song that was lifted from k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving.” Of course, a very young Angelina Jolie is in the video and Biz isn’t, so maybe the Stones weren’t completely creatively bankrupt.

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 84: Get It On (Bang a Gong) by T. Rex

“Well, you're built like a car, you've got a hub cap diamond star halo. You're built like a car, oh yeah. Well you're an untamed youth, that's the truth, with your cloak full of eagles. You’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.” – T. Rex – Get It On (Bang a Gong)

Aside from all the drugged out ramblings of a mad man (what in the hell was Marc Bolan on where his girlfriend appeared to be wearing a jacket full of endangered wildlife?), nothing makes a woman feel hotter than when you compare her to a heavy ass hunk of metal. “Hey, baby. I like the way you can accommodate several men at once, just like my car. Now put this cloak full of screeching birds on and hop inside of yourself.”

Ridiculous Threat Lyric of the Day 83: Laura by The Scissor Sisters

“This will be the last time I ever do your hair.” Scissor Sisters, Laura

Threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll do their hair is somewhere on par with threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll ever do their dishes. OK. Great. Someone else will do it. Or it won’t get done. Who gives a shit? No lines no waiting at Supercutz, bitch.

Ridiculous Rhyme That Doesn't Make Sense 82: Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues) by Three Dog Night

“Play somethin' sweet, play somethin' mellow. Play somethin' I can sink my teeth in like Jello. Play something I can understand. Play me some Brickyard Blues,” Three Dog Night, Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues)

Three Dog Night is bringing the funk tonight, so play a groove that is thick as hell, like a dessert that is mostly made up of congealed water. Frozen yogurt has a thicker consistency than jello. Hell, thinking about sinking my teeth into jello actually makes my teeth hurt because all I can think about is biting the spoon. This lyric is the dumbest thing Three Dog Night did since the time lead singer Chuck Negron ignored his doctor’s advice and ended up making his penis explode.

Ridiculous Lyric I Heard From a Friend (Who Heard It From A Friend) 81: I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon

“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore. I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for. It’s time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars forever.” REO Speedwagon, I Can’t Fight this Feeling


Nice job at making your boat absolutely fucking useless, REO Speedwagon. I’ve been in that situation before and trust me, don’t ever throw away the oars. You just might start to remember why you were fighting that feeling in the first place.

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: Oh No, Not You Again

“Everybody's talking, showing off their wits. The moon is yellow but I'm like jello staring down your tits.” The Rolling Stones, Oh No, Not You Again

I hate it when gelatin desserts stare at my private parts.
Honestly, Mick, it is not helping your image as being old as shit when you compare your self to a dessert that only kids and old people without teeth are really excited about getting.

Ridiculous Glee Cover Lyric of the Day 79: Poker Face by Lady Gaga

“I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, ‘cause I’m bluffin’ with my muffin. I’m not lying, I’m just stunning with my love-glue-gunning.” Lady Gaga, Poker Face

I won’t say that I know for a fact what Lady Gaga is talking about, but love-glue has got to be about semen, right? Which makes me sad for Gaga. The last time I got glue from a glue gun all over my hands, blood blistered up immediately and made a sticky, bloody mess. If that’s what getting hit with ejaculate is like for her, sex has got to be a living hell.

When Rolling Stone asked Gaga about this specific lyric, Gaga said, "Obviously, it's my pussy's poker face!” I am not sure how you can tell when a vagina has a poker face or not. They are usually pretty inscrutable, as far as body parts go. Although, I once did meet a vagina that was holding a pair of pocket nines.

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 78: Your Song by Elton John

“If I was a sculptor, but then again, no...You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue. Anyways the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen.” Elton John, Your Song

If I was a civil engineer, but then again, no. Sculpting involves using a hammer and chisel to create a hard and permanent shape out of marble. Not the best career choice for a guy who can’t even wish he has a sculptor for 10 whole seconds.
The whole song is about a guy who doesn’t have any money so he writes this song for his lover. Unfortunately the song seems tossed off as shit. “I don’t know what color your eyes are but I know they are pretty,” is about as unsexy a line as possible. And yet, just the first few notes of this song are enough to get your mom’s panties damp. The early seventies were a weird time for music.

Ridiculous Lumped In Lyric of the Day 77: My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas

“What you gon' do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? I'm a make, make, make, make you scream. ‘Cause of my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps. Check it out.” – The Black Eyed Peas, My Humps


Nothing good has ever been associated with the word lumps. No one wants lumpy gravy. If you’re bad, Santa leaves you a lump of coal. And when you check for cancer, you feel for lumps, especially on your humps. There has never been a good lump of anything, and that goes double for Fergie’s lady lumps.

Ridiculous Existential Lyric of the Day 76: I Am…I Said by Neil Diamond

‘"I am," I said. To no one there. And no one heard at all, not even the chair,” Neil Diamond, I Am…I Said

So…does the chair usually hear you, Neil? Does it normally say shit back to you? Because if you’re looking for a chair to start hanging on your every thought, you might want to say something more interesting than, “I am.”

If I was a sentient chair stuck in Neil Diamond’s house, I’d probably want to kill myself. Your whole life would be a non-stop swirl of rhinestones rubbed across your face and the scent of Aqua-Net jammed up your nose. Then again, you would get to cradle Neil’s forever-in-blue jeans ass, so I guess there’s a trade off.

Why So Ridiculous

Hey guys.

So, welcome to the former Disgusting Lyrics and the current Ridiculous Lyrics. We’re not as disgusting as we used to be, but we’re still pretty damn ridiculous. Why did I change it? Well, a lot of reasons.

A lot of friend sites were afraid to link to a site that is blatantly called Disgusting Lyrics. And I get that. I used to work for a place that had “Adult” right in the title but was afraid to link to MGMT videos, so I know people get nervous.

Secondly, and more importantly…I was getting tired of writing dick jokes. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever do that again. It just felt like it was becoming an increasingly huge trap. The last week I wrote Disgusting Lyrics, I made an entry about Limp Bizkit. I knew some of Limp Bizkit growing up in Florida and long story short, they weren’t exactly pleasant. One of them way more than the other band members (I am not naming names but the really dicky one wears a red baseball hat and has a self-made porno and his name is Fred Durst). When I started making fun of Limp Bizkit and dredging around in Korn lyrics, I knew it was time for a change.

The site will broaden to make fun of lyrics and songs that had weird lyrics but not always filthy ones (although I know those will still be well represented). I also have a new Twitter feed, and you can still be our friend on Facebook. I also have a new blog that features a lot of my other writing in the world of comic books, cartoons and television and you can see that here.

It has been a fun ride for 75 posts. I really can’t believe I have written that many entries. Thank you for all of your support, your re-blogs and for emailing the site to your friends. I appreciate you all.

Upgrade

Hey everyone,

We have to take a week off from the blog for a working vacation. Sorry for the late notice. We have a couple of new ideas planned for when we come back and I personally can't wait to get back to the lyrics.

I can't say thank you enough to our supporters and followers. This blog was a fun lark and we keep it going because of all the comments, support and feedback from you guys. Thanks so much for everything.

See you next week,
Merrill

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: BROWN SUGAR

“Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields. Sold in a market down in New Orleans. Scarred old slaver know he doing all right. Hear him whip the women just around midnight. Ah, brown sugar, how come you taste so good?” The Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar


This might be the greatest song about slave rape ever made. Hopefully, it is also the only song about slave raping ever made.

Mick Jagger has even said that he doesn’t think he could write this song currently because he would censor himself. Which part would be the part that went too far, Mick? The slave raping or the part where the raper asks his slaves why they taste so good?