"You've got poop on your face and a burger in your butt." Le Sexoflex, Poop On Face
What can I possibly say about this song? These people are eating backwards, but I think that is how they like it.
If I had a burger in my ass, I hope it is a Krystal burger. Small, compact, soft and greasy, with no red condiments, Krystal is the perfect ass burger. Plus, they tend to wind up sliding out twenty minutes after you eat one anyways. The burger I would least like in my ass is a Baconator from Wendy's. All that crumbly, jagged bacon in my soft parts would make poop on my face the least of my problems.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 47: Shake Your Bon Bon by Ricky Martin
“You’re my Mata Hari. I wanna know your story…Up in the Himalayas, c’mon I wanna lay ya. We’ll go around the world in a day,” Ricky Martin, Shake Your Bon Bon
Asses get called stupid things everyday. But comparing a butt to a chocolate with cream filling is about the dumbest thing ever. Who doesn’t want to dance to the image of a sticky, melty ass that has been pumped full of Ricky Martin’s cream? Just swirl that dribbly thing around the room, spewing unimaginable liquids on everyone?
The Mata Hari lyric, by the way, turned out to be prophetic. Mata Hari was a famous stripper who was accused of being a double agent in World War I. See, the French thought she was a spy for France, but it turned out she was secretly a German spy the whole time! She never committed to what team she was playing for and it led to misery for all involved. Thankfully, Ricky finally revealed what team he plays for today. I am very happy for Mr. Martin and sincerely hope that he enjoys life as an out person. And I also sincerely hope that the national assault on our ears that started with Menudo and ended with La Vida Loca has come to an end. Shake whatever bon bon you want. Just stop singing out loud about it.
Asses get called stupid things everyday. But comparing a butt to a chocolate with cream filling is about the dumbest thing ever. Who doesn’t want to dance to the image of a sticky, melty ass that has been pumped full of Ricky Martin’s cream? Just swirl that dribbly thing around the room, spewing unimaginable liquids on everyone?
The Mata Hari lyric, by the way, turned out to be prophetic. Mata Hari was a famous stripper who was accused of being a double agent in World War I. See, the French thought she was a spy for France, but it turned out she was secretly a German spy the whole time! She never committed to what team she was playing for and it led to misery for all involved. Thankfully, Ricky finally revealed what team he plays for today. I am very happy for Mr. Martin and sincerely hope that he enjoys life as an out person. And I also sincerely hope that the national assault on our ears that started with Menudo and ended with La Vida Loca has come to an end. Shake whatever bon bon you want. Just stop singing out loud about it.
Friday, March 26, 2010
R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Banging the Headboards
“Baby, hold the pillow tight. It’s about to be a wild night. Squeak in the bed, and we’re gonna make the walls bang. Squeak in the bed, and baby girl I hope that you can hang. Ooh, Ooh! Those are the sounds we’re making when we bangin’, bangin’, bangin’ the headboard.” R. Kelly, Banging the Headboards
Did R. Kelly perform at a high school for the deaf and blind a while back? Because that is the only reason I can think of why he would explain what his sex sounds like to his partner is if she’s deaf. Everyone who at least has an internet connection has a pretty good idea of what sex sounds like.
And why is he slamming her again and again into the headboards? That can’t be fun for her. Can’t you move her long ways against the bed? I mean, you’re rich, I’m assuming you have something bigger than a twin bed. Hell, just take her to the bathroom. That’s where you’re gonna end it by pissing on her anyways.
Did R. Kelly perform at a high school for the deaf and blind a while back? Because that is the only reason I can think of why he would explain what his sex sounds like to his partner is if she’s deaf. Everyone who at least has an internet connection has a pretty good idea of what sex sounds like.
And why is he slamming her again and again into the headboards? That can’t be fun for her. Can’t you move her long ways against the bed? I mean, you’re rich, I’m assuming you have something bigger than a twin bed. Hell, just take her to the bathroom. That’s where you’re gonna end it by pissing on her anyways.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 45: I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd
“Let me take off all your clothes. Disconnect the phone so nobody knows. Let me light a candle so we can make it better. Making love until we drown.” – Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You Up
You can light a candle. You can get out satin sheets. You can even obtain a velvet cum rag. But nothing will make drowning to death while you are fornicating any better.
In fact, I can think of many reasons why that might be the worst way to die. Someone is eventually going to find your dead bodies intertwined. It can’t be very fun for them to pry two dead waterlogged fucking people apart. Plus, in your last moments, you may wish to think of your family or friends, and not hoping that you can finish up quickly before you’re condemned to eternity with everlasting blue balls.
You can light a candle. You can get out satin sheets. You can even obtain a velvet cum rag. But nothing will make drowning to death while you are fornicating any better.
In fact, I can think of many reasons why that might be the worst way to die. Someone is eventually going to find your dead bodies intertwined. It can’t be very fun for them to pry two dead waterlogged fucking people apart. Plus, in your last moments, you may wish to think of your family or friends, and not hoping that you can finish up quickly before you’re condemned to eternity with everlasting blue balls.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 44: The Lemon Song by Led Zeppelin
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Disgusting Lyric of the Day 43: Blah Blah Blah by Ke$ha
“I don’t really care where you live at. Just turn around, boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat. Just show me where your dick’s at.” – Ke$ha, Blah Blah Blah
This song raises a lot of questions, like, ‘Why does Ke$ha have a dollar sign in her name,” or “Didn’t we just get enough of this girl with the very similar sounding ‘Tik Tok’” and “Holy hell, are all of Ke$ha’s songs going to be about how she’s a drunken whore?” It also makes you ask, “How many places can a guy be hiding his dick at?” But bitch, you can just stow your questions aside. Ke$ha just wants that dick.
And you are totally in luck. Nothing is as good as a sloppy, drunken sex from someone who does not care who you are and has little clue as to what’s going on at the moment. The song is called “Blah Blah Blah” which is what Ke$ha hears when the guy says, “You’re so skanky, I probably better double bag it.”
This song raises a lot of questions, like, ‘Why does Ke$ha have a dollar sign in her name,” or “Didn’t we just get enough of this girl with the very similar sounding ‘Tik Tok’” and “Holy hell, are all of Ke$ha’s songs going to be about how she’s a drunken whore?” It also makes you ask, “How many places can a guy be hiding his dick at?” But bitch, you can just stow your questions aside. Ke$ha just wants that dick.
And you are totally in luck. Nothing is as good as a sloppy, drunken sex from someone who does not care who you are and has little clue as to what’s going on at the moment. The song is called “Blah Blah Blah” which is what Ke$ha hears when the guy says, “You’re so skanky, I probably better double bag it.”
Monday, March 22, 2010
Disgusting Lyric of the Day 42: We're All Alone by Boz Scaggs
“Long forgotten now. We're all alone, we're all alone. Close the window, calm the light and it will be all right. No need to bother now. Let it out. Let it all begin. Learn how to pretend.” Boz Scaggs, We’re All Alone
This song has always creeped the ever living shit out of me. Boz Scaggs has the name and voice of a muppet. But not like a cuddly, furry Muppet. More like a Dark Crystal-holy-shit-this-is-going-to-permanently-scar-5-year-old-me Muppet. It doesn’t help that the song has a lot of weird fantasy overtones. Caves and waves and old roses and seas and shit.
These lyrics are the perfect description of a raping by candlelight. Seriously, this could be the most romance novel version of a horrible crime I have ever heard. No one remembers you, no one else is around, so don’t even bother because we’re all alone. So let it all out. You might want to pretend about something else, because here comes the raping of a lifetime. And then we’ll listen to the waves lap at our heels right before I get my knife out for round two.
This song has always creeped the ever living shit out of me. Boz Scaggs has the name and voice of a muppet. But not like a cuddly, furry Muppet. More like a Dark Crystal-holy-shit-this-is-going-to-permanently-scar-5-year-old-me Muppet. It doesn’t help that the song has a lot of weird fantasy overtones. Caves and waves and old roses and seas and shit.
These lyrics are the perfect description of a raping by candlelight. Seriously, this could be the most romance novel version of a horrible crime I have ever heard. No one remembers you, no one else is around, so don’t even bother because we’re all alone. So let it all out. You might want to pretend about something else, because here comes the raping of a lifetime. And then we’ll listen to the waves lap at our heels right before I get my knife out for round two.
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