Ridiculous Lyric of the Day

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 91: Lonesome Loser by The Little River Band

2010-08-16T11:14:00.001-07:00

“Have you heard about the lonesome loser? He’s a loser but he keeps on trying.” – The Little River Band, Lonesome Loser

Of course I haven’t heard about the lonesome loser. He’s a dude that keeps to himself and also sucks. Who would voluntarily spend time talking about him? In fact, why is there a whole song about this asshole? It seems like he’s pretty well summed up in one line. “Oh, he’s a loser but he keeps on trying? Sounds awfully tedious. Please sing some more about this unfortunate man.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 90: Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

2010-08-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

“I smell sex and candy here. Who's that lounging in my chair?” Marcy Playground, Sex and Candy

Why does this song always make me picture two Oompa Loompas just going to town on each other while Willy Wonka watches, lounging in a chair and playing with his everlasting gobstopper?

Here is the problem: Sex is amazing. Candy is delicious. Smelling other people’s sex or candy is just upsetting, mainly because you are not the one getting a blow job or a Mr. Goodbar. Also, because smelling someone else’s bodily functions is just nasty. You might as well be sniffing farts and peanut butter.

What's Going On

2010-07-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

Just a quick pop in to let you know what happened and what is happening with the blog. A few of you know that I am also a writer/producer of comic books and television shows. I am currently neck deep in a new show that will be announced at the San Diego Comic Con in two weeks. This show has consumed my life and has left me with little time for anything else. I feel awful not updating this blog every weekday (something I managed to do for months). But I can't and won't do half ass posts. So I am taking a little time off and will update when I can. Sorry for the break. I am grateful that so many of you checked the blog and I hope to be back with some more entries soon.

Thank you so much for you time. It means more to me than I can say.

Merrill

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 89: Africa by Toto

2010-06-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

“The wild dogs cry out in the night, as they grow restless longing for some solitary company. I know that I must do what’s right, sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.” Toto, Africa

How in the fuck are you going to describe a mountain as being like another mountain? That’s like saying that my pet greyhound is fast like a dog. Well no shit. Does your Toyota get you around like a Honda?

This is the kind of shit I think about when I am alone, longing for solitary company, which is also impossible to have because the two words have fucking opposite meanings. You know what, Toto? How about just going back to plotting on how to steal Roseanna Arquette back from Peter Gabriel?

Ridiculous Swedish Lyric of the Day 88: The Sign by Ace of Base

2010-06-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong. But where do you belong?” Ace of Base, The Sign

I saw the sign, too, Ace of Base, and the sign said: “Stop.”

This song borders on making sense a few times. Some dude treated this lady pretty bad, I get that. Then the chorus brings the weirdness. Life is demanding without understanding. But shit, its not like life is all hummus and tootsie rolls with understanding either. And then, what is all this crap about being dragged up and into light? What fucking light are you talking about? Why do some people belong in light and some don’t? What the fuck is “the sign” anyways? And why does every Swedish rock group get compared to Abba?

Oh, I actually just did see “the sign” and it said, “Best if Used by 1994.”

Ridiculous Hair Lyric of the Day 87: To Be With You by Mr. Big

2010-06-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

“You can make my life worthwhile and I can make you start to smile.” Mr. Big, To Be With You

So, this girl makes your whole life worth living. And in return, you kind of can make her sort of smile? What a shitty trade off.

Granted her last boyfriend sounds like a crapbag too, but then again, dating the lead singer of Mr. Big isn’t some kind of major achievement either.

RIDICULOUS NSFW PAULA DEEN LYRIC OF THE DAY 86: TWINCEST by Le SEXOFLEX

2010-06-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

"Let me tell you about my brother. He is my lover from the same mother. He tastes like butter, under the covers." Le Sexoflex, Twincest

In a (pretty NSFW) video that is filled with insane imagery, one image grosses us out the most. Look, butter can be ok on toast or corn or pancakes, but fellating a stick of butter is maybe a step too far. If that is what penis tastes like, I am pretty sure that is why Mrs. Dash got married in the first place: To avoid all those buttery blow jobs.

Le Sexoflex - Twincest from Le Sexoflex on Vimeo.

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: Anybody Seen My Baby?

2010-06-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

“She was more than beautiful, closer to ethereal. With a kind of down to earth flavor.” The Rolling Stones, Anybody Seen My Baby?

Welcome to the phoning it in era of the Rolling Stones. Look, this girl is two opposites: “Down to Earth” and “Ethereal!” Is she also a blonde with a kind of brunette look? Brainy with a kind of casual dumb? Leggy but with amazing boobs? I guess it’s only fitting that Mick would be into a woman that can be described as opposites since The Rolling Stones could have two opposites thrown at them too: “Legendary Musicians” and “Lots of Shitty Songs too.”

Let’s be honest: this song, as well as most of the album Bridges to Babylon, is about 8 shades of embarrassing. As much as I love the Stones, I don’t think anyone can justify Biz Markie rapping on top of a song that was lifted from k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving.” Of course, a very young Angelina Jolie is in the video and Biz isn’t, so maybe the Stones weren’t completely creatively bankrupt.

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 84: Get It On (Bang a Gong) by T. Rex

2010-06-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

“Well, you're built like a car, you've got a hub cap diamond star halo. You're built like a car, oh yeah. Well you're an untamed youth, that's the truth, with your cloak full of eagles. You’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.” – T. Rex – Get It On (Bang a Gong)

Aside from all the drugged out ramblings of a mad man (what in the hell was Marc Bolan on where his girlfriend appeared to be wearing a jacket full of endangered wildlife?), nothing makes a woman feel hotter than when you compare her to a heavy ass hunk of metal. “Hey, baby. I like the way you can accommodate several men at once, just like my car. Now put this cloak full of screeching birds on and hop inside of yourself.”

Ridiculous Threat Lyric of the Day 83: Laura by The Scissor Sisters

2010-06-09T18:03:00.001-07:00

“This will be the last time I ever do your hair.” Scissor Sisters, Laura

Threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll do their hair is somewhere on par with threatening someone that this is the last time you’ll ever do their dishes. OK. Great. Someone else will do it. Or it won’t get done. Who gives a shit? No lines no waiting at Supercutz, bitch.

Ridiculous Rhyme That Doesn't Make Sense 82: Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues) by Three Dog Night

2010-06-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

“Play somethin' sweet, play somethin' mellow. Play somethin' I can sink my teeth in like Jello. Play something I can understand. Play me some Brickyard Blues,” Three Dog Night, Play Something Sweet (Brickyard Blues)

Three Dog Night is bringing the funk tonight, so play a groove that is thick as hell, like a dessert that is mostly made up of congealed water. Frozen yogurt has a thicker consistency than jello. Hell, thinking about sinking my teeth into jello actually makes my teeth hurt because all I can think about is biting the spoon. This lyric is the dumbest thing Three Dog Night did since the time lead singer Chuck Negron ignored his doctor’s advice and ended up making his penis explode.

Ridiculous Lyric I Heard From a Friend (Who Heard It From A Friend) 81: I Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon

2010-06-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore. I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for. It’s time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars forever.” REO Speedwagon, I Can’t Fight this Feeling

Nice job at making your boat absolutely fucking useless, REO Speedwagon. I’ve been in that situation before and trust me, don’t ever throw away the oars. You just might start to remember why you were fighting that feeling in the first place.

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: Oh No, Not You Again

2010-05-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

“Everybody's talking, showing off their wits. The moon is yellow but I'm like jello staring down your tits.” The Rolling Stones, Oh No, Not You Again

I hate it when gelatin desserts stare at my private parts.
Honestly, Mick, it is not helping your image as being old as shit when you compare your self to a dessert that only kids and old people without teeth are really excited about getting.

Ridiculous Glee Cover Lyric of the Day 79: Poker Face by Lady Gaga

2010-05-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

“I won’t tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you, ‘cause I’m bluffin’ with my muffin. I’m not lying, I’m just stunning with my love-glue-gunning.” Lady Gaga, Poker Face

I won’t say that I know for a fact what Lady Gaga is talking about, but love-glue has got to be about semen, right? Which makes me sad for Gaga. The last time I got glue from a glue gun all over my hands, blood blistered up immediately and made a sticky, bloody mess. If that’s what getting hit with ejaculate is like for her, sex has got to be a living hell.

When Rolling Stone asked Gaga about this specific lyric, Gaga said, "Obviously, it's my pussy's poker face!” I am not sure how you can tell when a vagina has a poker face or not. They are usually pretty inscrutable, as far as body parts go. Although, I once did meet a vagina that was holding a pair of pocket nines.

Ridiculous Lyric of the Day 78: Your Song by Elton John

2010-05-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

“If I was a sculptor, but then again, no...You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue. Anyways the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen.” Elton John, Your Song

If I was a civil engineer, but then again, no. Sculpting involves using a hammer and chisel to create a hard and permanent shape out of marble. Not the best career choice for a guy who can’t even wish he has a sculptor for 10 whole seconds.
The whole song is about a guy who doesn’t have any money so he writes this song for his lover. Unfortunately the song seems tossed off as shit. “I don’t know what color your eyes are but I know they are pretty,” is about as unsexy a line as possible. And yet, just the first few notes of this song are enough to get your mom’s panties damp. The early seventies were a weird time for music.

Ridiculous Lumped In Lyric of the Day 77: My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas

2010-05-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

“What you gon' do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? I'm a make, make, make, make you scream. ‘Cause of my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps. Check it out.” – The Black Eyed Peas, My Humps

Nothing good has ever been associated with the word lumps. No one wants lumpy gravy. If you’re bad, Santa leaves you a lump of coal. And when you check for cancer, you feel for lumps, especially on your humps. There has never been a good lump of anything, and that goes double for Fergie’s lady lumps.

Ridiculous Existential Lyric of the Day 76: I Am…I Said by Neil Diamond

2010-05-24T20:05:00.000-07:00

‘"I am," I said. To no one there. And no one heard at all, not even the chair,” Neil Diamond, I Am…I Said

So…does the chair usually hear you, Neil? Does it normally say shit back to you? Because if you’re looking for a chair to start hanging on your every thought, you might want to say something more interesting than, “I am.”

If I was a sentient chair stuck in Neil Diamond’s house, I’d probably want to kill myself. Your whole life would be a non-stop swirl of rhinestones rubbed across your face and the scent of Aqua-Net jammed up your nose. Then again, you would get to cradle Neil’s forever-in-blue jeans ass, so I guess there’s a trade off.

Why So Ridiculous

2010-05-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

So, welcome to the former Disgusting Lyrics and the current Ridiculous Lyrics. We’re not as disgusting as we used to be, but we’re still pretty damn ridiculous. Why did I change it? Well, a lot of reasons.

A lot of friend sites were afraid to link to a site that is blatantly called Disgusting Lyrics. And I get that. I used to work for a place that had “Adult” right in the title but was afraid to link to MGMT videos, so I know people get nervous.

Secondly, and more importantly…I was getting tired of writing dick jokes. It doesn’t mean that I won’t ever do that again. It just felt like it was becoming an increasingly huge trap. The last week I wrote Disgusting Lyrics, I made an entry about Limp Bizkit. I knew some of Limp Bizkit growing up in Florida and long story short, they weren’t exactly pleasant. One of them way more than the other band members (I am not naming names but the really dicky one wears a red baseball hat and has a self-made porno and his name is Fred Durst). When I started making fun of Limp Bizkit and dredging around in Korn lyrics, I knew it was time for a change.

The site will broaden to make fun of lyrics and songs that had weird lyrics but not always filthy ones (although I know those will still be well represented). I also have a new Twitter feed, and you can still be our friend on Facebook. I also have a new blog that features a lot of my other writing in the world of comic books, cartoons and television and you can see that here.

It has been a fun ride for 75 posts. I really can’t believe I have written that many entries. Thank you for all of your support, your re-blogs and for emailing the site to your friends. I appreciate you all.

Upgrade

2010-05-17T21:16:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone,

We have to take a week off from the blog for a working vacation. Sorry for the late notice. We have a couple of new ideas planned for when we come back and I personally can't wait to get back to the lyrics.

I can't say thank you enough to our supporters and followers. This blog was a fun lark and we keep it going because of all the comments, support and feedback from you guys. Thanks so much for everything.

See you next week,
Merrill

ROLLING STONES FRIDAYS!!!: BROWN SUGAR

2010-05-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

“Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields. Sold in a market down in New Orleans. Scarred old slaver know he doing all right. Hear him whip the women just around midnight. Ah, brown sugar, how come you taste so good?” The Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar

This might be the greatest song about slave rape ever made. Hopefully, it is also the only song about slave raping ever made.

Mick Jagger has even said that he doesn’t think he could write this song currently because he would censor himself. Which part would be the part that went too far, Mick? The slave raping or the part where the raper asks his slaves why they taste so good?

Disgusting Underage Lyric of the Day 74: Age Ain't Nothing But a Number by Aaliyah

2010-05-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

“Age ain’t nothing but a number. Throwing down ain’t nothing but a thing. This lovin’ I have for you. It’ll never change.” Aaliyah, Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number

This song, sung by the late Aaliyah, doesn’t sound that bad at first. There really isn’t anything objectionable about the idea hearing the song without context. But Aaliyah was only 15 when she sang this song. Oh, and by the way, the song was written be her then 27-year-old husband, R. Kelly.

Yup. R. Kelly cracked the top 40 with his ode to underage love. Age ain’t nothing but a number and the minimum number in most states is 18.

Disgusting Swingers Lyric of the Day 73: Afternoon Delight by The Starland Vocal Band

2010-05-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

"Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite...I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite, but you got some bait a waitin' and I think I might try nibbling a little afternoon delight. Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight." - The Starland Vocal Band, Afternoon Delight

Every metaphor in Afternoon Delight sounds disgusting, but it's hard to figure out why. Confusing things even more is the fact that Starland Vocal Band was made up of two married couples who seem to be the perviest group the 70's ever launched.

"Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite" seems like it should be foul, but why? I mean, a penis equals stick, obviously, but is he calling her vagina a rock? If so, his ladyfriend should seek out industrial strength moisturizer immediately.

The fish one is even weirder. Is he saying that his girlfriend is the fish? Because it kind of seems like he's about to make some sick kind of fish smell joke. But then he says, "You got some bait a waitin'." "Bait" as in worms? Like your sex partner has a worm you want to nibble on a la a penis? So, you want to try sucking a dick? But then, why are you nibbling on a dick?

Am I reading too deeply into a song where sex is compared to a skyrocket in flight? Probably. Am I happy that metaphors about sex have pretty much disappeared in current music to a point where you just blatantly talk about sex acts? Probably not.

Disgusting Disco Lyric of the Day 72: Love You Inside Out by The Bee Gees

2010-05-11T18:04:00.001-07:00

“I am the man who loves you inside and out, backwards and forwards with my heart hanging out, “ The Bee Gees, Love You Inside Out

The Bee Gees don’t love you just because of the way that you look. They love your insides. Specifically, the places that they can get inside of you on the backside and also in the more forward facing regions. And as you ponder how three brothers are singing at once in the first person, you might feel something brush up against you. Don’t worry. That’s just their “heart.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 71: Nookie by Limp Bizkit

2010-05-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

“Maybe she just made a mistake and I should give her a break. My heart'll ache either way… I won't lie that I can't deny I did it all for the nookie (come on) the nookie (come on). So you can take that cookie and stick it up your (yeah)” Limp Bizkit, Nookie

Has there ever been a band that just screams “shithead” as loudly as Limp Bizkit? The backwards baseball hats, the sad little cover of George Michael’s “Faith,” the weird rants about other artists and the claims about having sex with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. We all get it. You are in desperate need of attention.

“Nookie” is the true Rosetta Stone of understanding just how sad Limp Bizkit really is. After whining about his girlfriend taking his money and sleeping with his friends, Fred tells everyone how heartbroken he is and how he keeps taking this girl back and letting her hurt him again. Why would he do such a thing? Why, he does it so he can bang her. Ugh.

You did it all for the nookie? That’s like a five year old being sent to their room and yelling at their parents that they wanted to go to their room anyways. Or a guy who gets fired and yells, “You can’t fire me, I quit.” Really, Fred? You let all your friends bang your girl and you gave her all your money because the sex was that good? I’ve seen your (very) sad sex tape, so I am guessing the sex was probably not that great to start with.

But don’t worry. Fred’s girl can take her cookie and shove it up her ass. Whatever the hell that means. Maybe you can tell her to eat some boogers and that her hair smells and her dress looks like poo poo, too. Way to go, song writing champion!

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: It's Only Rock & Roll (But I Like It)

2010-05-07T15:13:00.001-07:00

“If I could stick a knife in my heart. Suicide right on stage. Would it be enough for your teenage lust? Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain? ...Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya? Would ya think the boy's insane? He's insane,” The Rolling Stones, It’s Only Rock and Roll (But I Like It)

Nope, Mick. I am pretty sure if I saw someone stick a knife in their own heart, it would not help to ease my brain. It may actually hurt my brain even more. That’s pretty fucked up. If seeing someone rip into their own flesh and muscles satisfies your teenage lust, you are the kind of person who probably should not be allowed to have boners.

But I do agree with you on one count. I would think the boy’s insane. Because he is insane.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 69: Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) by Big & Rich

2010-05-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

“Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy. And the girls say, ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy.’” Big and Rich, Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)

Welcome to the death of country music. Back in the old days, Johnny Cash might make a novelty song about a boy named Sue. Big and Rich have come along to strip away any kind of wit. Save a Horse, ride a cowboy? What kind of bullshit is that? It’s like that 70’s era slogan, “Conserve water, shower with a friend.” Except people actually wanted to conserve water. Who the fuck cares about saving horses from being ridden on? It’s like going ten miles out of the way to make some lame joke about some girl riding on a cowboy’s junk, except when you finally get there, the joke is still as shitty as hell.
Why is it shitty?

Well, first, although everyone has heard the word “ride” used sexually, it is never used like riding a horse. A lot of people use the phrase “do someone” to mean sex too. But, there is nothing sexual about saying “I want to do a crossword puzzle.” Hell, I say “fuck that noise” at least three times a day. Doesn’t mean I want to stick my dick in a CD player. So, congratulations for bringing horses into sex.

And secondly, since Big and Rich are the only ones actually riding horses in the song, are the girls telling them to get off a horse and fuck some other dude? It’s pretty clear that Cowboy Troy has his eyes on one of those guys.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 68: Whatever Gets You Thru the Night by John Lennon

2010-05-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

“Whatever gets you through the night, it’s all right. It’s all right. It’s your money or your life. It’s all right, it’s all right. Don’t need a sword to cut through flowers,” John Lennon, Whatever Gets You Thru the Night

What in the hell was going down at John Lennon’s house in the middle of the night? My choices in the middle of the night are, “Do I watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air” on TV Land or “The Cosby Show” on Nick at Nite? John Lennon’s choices are his money or his life? What kind of choices are those? That’s not all right, John. That is actually pretty awful. And why is there a sword involved? You know who owns swords? People who are either way too into the Lord of the Rings or people who are way to into Martial Arts. What the hell is he doing cutting flowers in the night anyways? Here’s what will get you through the night: an Ambien.

He Never Gives Up

2010-05-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

First things first, I sincerely thank everyone for coming to the site, and especially those of you who have friended us on Facebook, followed on Twitter or have sent tip emails in to disgustinglyrics@gmail.com

I just wanted to take a quick detour and let you know about another project I am doing. Some of you know that I also write comic books and cartoons. I have a GI Joe comic coming out tomorrow, GI Joe Origins #15, featuring the character Snow Job. If you are into comic books, or just into GI Joe, consider picking it up this week. The early reviews have been more than I could have ever asked for. And if you’re not into comics or GI Joe, don’t sweat it. We will still have some fun here every evening!

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 67: Ice Cream Man by Van Halen

2010-05-04T17:48:00.001-07:00

“I'm usually passin' by just around eleven o'clock and if ya' let me cool you one time, you'll be my regular stop. I got bim bam banana pops, dixie cups all flavors and pushups, too! I'm your ice cream man, stop me when I'm passin' by. See now all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy!” – Van Halen, Ice Cream Man

To be honest, there’s not a whole lot in the lyrics that are that filthy. I mean, yes, the idea of David Lee Roth having any kind of job that deals with kids is inherently weird, but not actually disgusting.

But when you hear ol’ Diamond Dave actually sing this thing, well, it’s clear that he’s talking about making an ice cream sandwich. By which I mean, he is talking about sex. And sadly, there may be no better current metaphor of sex with David Lee than a big olf Vanilla Sundae Waffle Cone. It may look like it is strong, but it has been baked for a while and is deceptively fragile. The toppings seem ok from a distance, but when you get close, you realize that the shredded coconut is kind of artificially brightened and actually kind of sparse. And if you don’t take care of it fast enough, you’re just gonna be left with a drippy white puddle oozing down your arm.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 66: Laffy Taffy by D4L

2010-05-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

“Laffy Taffy, I’m likin’ this. Big ole ass you shaking, bitch. Close yo mouth and don’t say shit. Bend on over and hit a split. Girl, shake that Laffy Taffy.” D4L, Laffy Taffy

Well, over 60 entries in to this thing and I’ve still hit a first. Awesome reader Trish sent a suggestion in for the song Laffy Taffy, which I kind of vaguely remembered being popular a few years back. I listened to the song again and it was still as awful as always. It sounds like a handicapped version of a Ying Yang Twins song, which is no small feat seeing as one of the members of the Ying Yang Twins actually has cerebral palsy.

So, I mentally prepared to write an entry about fat squishy candy butts, but I went ahead and did my usual research on the song and discovered two amazing facts. First, this song hit #1 in 2006. And second, the phrase “Laffy Taffy” in this number one song is actually slang for a stretched out labia that one may see at a broke ass strip club.

What the fuck.

This is the first time I have been too disgusted for words by a song at Disgusting Lyric of the Day. This whole song was just misogynist as hell when it was about girls shaking their asses and not talking. Now that I know it is about worn out vagina lips flopping in the breeze, it’s just kind of sad. Also, is Laffy Taffy the best way to describe that on a lady? Laffy Taffy is colorful and stretchy, but also kind of soft and flowy. What about Jacks Links Jerky? That has more of the texture that you expect to find at your shittier strip clubs.

Rolling Stones Fridays!!!: Bitch

2010-04-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

“I’m feelin’ drunk, juiced up and sloppy. Ain’t touched a drink all night. Feeling hungry. Can’t see the reason. Just had a horsemeat pie.” The Rolling Stones, Bitch

Actually Mick…I think I know the reason you feel weird and disoriented. It’s probably because you just ate a horsemeat pie.

Christianity, Judaism and Islam all forbid the eating of horses. I’m not especially religious, but when the Big Three can come together on a single topic, it’s probably in your best interests to just follow them on that one.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 64: It Wasn't Me by Shaggy and Rik Rok

2010-04-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

“Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor. But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me). Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me). I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me). She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me),” Shaggy and Rik Rok, It Wasn’t Me
Congratulations to Shaggy, I suppose. It is really hard to write a song about an egregious cheater and still kind of feel grossed out about the person being cheated on.
Rik Rok is cheating on his girlfriend with the girl next door. Already a stupid move. If things go bad with a girl you are messing around with, normally you can just disappear. You can’t disappear from your neighbor though, unless you pack up and move.
So Rik Rok is banging this girl on the bathroom floor. And the counter. And the sofa. You know, all the places that most people normally like to have clean because they eat and live there and would not like it covered with mess from Rik Rok’s Kok. But what’s even creepier is that apparently Rik Rok’s girlfriend just stands there and watches the whole action go down. So, Rik Rok is either dating a super perv who likes to film her boyfriend fucking or a borderline retard. I tend to lead towards retarded person. Why? Because only a retarded person would ever fall for the excuse that the person they just filmed banging on the bathroom floor was not, in fact, their boyfriend.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 63: If You Seek Amy by Britney Spears

2010-04-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

“All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.” Britney Spears, If You Seek Amy

In case you missed all the Fox News outrage, you won’t find anything dirty by just reading these lyrics that don’t make any real sense. But if you sing/autotune/whatever-the-hell-it-is-Britney-does, it kind of sounds like, “All of the boy and all of the girls are begging to F-U-C-K me.” It’s pretty dumb, and to quote another juvenile gag, it’s also sofa king wee todd it.

Beyond that though, I am pretty sure no one is currently begging to fuck Britney anymore. Sure a few years ago, maybe some people were willing to hit that one more time. Nowadays, no matter how hot she gets, I still can’t quite erase the memory of that bald butterball smacking a car with an umbrella. Plus, after having two kids, that weird goatee’d paparazzo and a Federline up in there, I am pretty sure her vagina could be counted as a FEMA emergency zone. After seeing photos of her walking barefoot in gas stations, I am pretty sure she can’t be considered a sex object anymore. In a best case scenario, getting busy with Britney Spears would leave your dick covered in Flaming Hot Cheetos dust. Worst case, she snaps into that thing like a Slim Jim.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 62: Rude Boy by Rhianna

2010-04-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

“Come here, rude boy, boy, can you get it up? Come here, rude boy, boy, is you big enough?” Rhianna, Rude Boy

Look, Rhianna. I’m gonna be honest. When I first heard you, I kind of liked you despite myself. And then when I saw you, I really liked you. Like...a lot a lot.

So, I have to assume that if you have to ask your “rude boy” if he can get it up or not, there is a more than reasonable chance that your “rude boy” is dead. However, asking if he is big enough down there is a whole different ball park. Rhianna, if you have been having a whole lot of issues with either limp dicked or tiny peckered “rude boys,” I have to believe you are not trying hard enough. There is a whole nation of men who have had their hearts broken by this song. It’s like the equivalent of Meatloaf asking if his Macaroni and Cheese is cheesy enough. You know that hefty bastard can find cheesier mac and you know he knows he won’t rest until he finds it.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 61: Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye

2010-04-26T15:31:00.000-07:00

“Baby I got sick this morning, a sea was storming inside of me. Baby I think I'm capsizing, the waves are rising and rising. And when I get that feeling I want Sexual Healing.” -Marvin Gay, Sexual Healing.

Alright, there are really quite a few things wrong with this one, so let’s dig right in. Famous people tend to get whatever they want. Artists tend to romanticize everything. Eventually, famous artists will romanticize something that makes no sense whatsoever, like blue balls.

The first indicator that the narrator is speaking from the viewpoint of someone who’s lost all touch with reality is simply the fact that he’s waking a woman up for sex. As anyone who doesn’t sell millions of records for a living can tell you, this is a laughably misguided tactic, even if you’re both drunk. The second indicator is announcing your sickness as a mood-enhancer. Can you imagine the reaction you’d get from your non-celebrity-struck partner after waking her up to say “I’m feeling completely sick. I want sexual healing?” You would likely soon be in need of scrotal healing from the swift kick you were delivered by the aforementioned partner before she fell back asleep or turned on the bedside light for a very long, very unfriendly stare.

Now, Marvin does seem to have some awareness that his medical need to dump his capsizing prostate into the nearest available human toilet may not be met with enthusiasm. He makes a hilariously half-assed argument that “it’s good for us” before changing the lyric to “it’s good for me” in the very next line. His baldly self-serving angle is akin to saying “Face-punching healing is good for us. Well, it’s good for me.”

I chose the video below because it allows you to hear clearly the closing to the song, as Marvin croons “please don’t procrastinate. It’s not good to masturbate.” Not good for who, Marvin? Not good for who?

Rolling Stone Fridays!!!: Rough Justice

2010-04-23T18:21:00.001-07:00

“One time you were my baby chicken, now you've grown into a fox. Once upon a time I was your little rooster, but am I just one of your cocks?” The Rolling Stones, Rough Justice

Mick Jagger was 62 when the song “Rough Justice” came out. I only say that because, Jesus, this song is creepy. Apparently, in this song, Mick was dating a younger girl who undergoes a metamorphosis from sweet young thing to devilish vixen. But you know what, that’s something like a 20 year-old-does. Not something a 36 year-old-does.

So, creepy 60 something Mick is chasing a (much) younger lady. Disgusting enough. But Mick asks her, “Am I just one of your cocks?” God, Jesus, fuck, I hope so. The idea of a 62 year old comparing their half-rigid droopy boner to a bunch of 25-year-old erections is just depressing. No one wants to be the oldest dude at the circle jerk, Mick. Just take your saggy balls and go home.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 59: My Chick Bad by Ludacris

2010-04-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

“Coming down the street like a parade, Macy's, I fill her up balloons.
Test her and guns get drawn like cartoons. D’oh, but I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Homer. Chick so bad the whole crew wanna bone her.” Ludacris, My Chick Bad

One important question that is often overlooked in selecting a lady friend is: Do my friends really want to bone her? Sure, having your friends and girlfriend getting along is nice, but you really want to make sure that every time you leave the room, your friends are desperate to get into her pants.

But if they don’t want to bang her right away, don’t be discouraged. Just take her to the doctor and have her breasts enlarged to cartoonish, some would say balloon-like, proportions. Really whore her up some.

This advice may not be for everyone, but Spencer Pratt swears by it, and it’s worked pretty well so far.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 58: Oh, What a Night by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

2010-04-21T15:36:00.000-07:00

“You know, I didn't even know her name, but I was never gonna be the same. What a lady. What a night. Oh, I…I got a funny feeling when she walked in the room and I, as I recall it ended much too soon.” – The Four Tops, Oh, What a Night

Welcome to the creepiest song about losing your virginity ever made. The story, as such, finds Frankie Valli seeing a woman walk in a room and getting an uncontrollable boner. He never asks her what her name is and once they have sex, he ejaculates so quickly it is an unsatisfying experience for all involved. Frankie’s right! What a fun night!

Of course, many people have bad or awkward first times. Not everyone sets them to the happiest faux-Motown music that makes it seem like your pathetic and shameful squirtings were actually an amazing life moment.

I came to hate this song when I heard it a Bar Mitzvah. There is nothing creepier than playing a happy song about losing your virginity at your first chance to a room full of horny 13 year old boys who have just been told they are now men. And by the way, in December 1963, Frankie Valli would have been 29. Which also really makes this song twice as hideous.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 4/20: Marijuana In Your Brain by Lords of Acid

2010-04-20T15:43:00.001-07:00

“Marijuana in your brain, takes more time to ejaculate.” – Lords of Acid, Marijuana In Your Brain

There are lots of songs about the pleasures of getting fucked up on weed (by which I mean the entire oeuvre of Snoop Dogg), but people often overlook the medical benefits of getting high. Like, for people who jizz their pants at strip clubs or at the first site of their girlfriend’s boobs, weed just may be necessary.

So, on this momentous day of 4/20, you may want to think about rolling a fat one. Especially if you are a two pump chump.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 56: Soft by Kings of Leon

2010-04-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

“I'd pop myself in your body. I'd come into your party, but I'm soft.” – Kings of Leon, Soft
People confuse romance with sex way too often anymore, but Kings of Leon prove that not every romantic encounter has to end in sex. Especially if you’re too fucked up on alcohol and drugs to achieve a boner.
Nothing makes a lady happier than hearing how much you’d normally want to pop into their body, but you just did too much coke to make the blood flow into your penis. I mean, maybe you could do something else besides sex, right? Who doesn’t want a crazed, shrivel dicked lunatic with salty whiskey sweat dripping off their forehead as he absentmindedly licks all over them? This song is every woman’s dream of a perfect relationship, a guy who can’t have sex with you but still wants to talk about it in incessant and splattery detail.
Oh, and guess what, girls! He’s singing about his erectile dysfunction with his brothers and his cousin, so Boner-free is also a family man!

Rolling Stone Fridays!!!: Let It Bleed

2010-04-16T15:28:00.001-07:00

“Yeah, we all need someone we can cream on and if you want to, well you can cream on me…You can cum all over me,” The Rolling Stones, Let It Bleed

Mick Jagger has it all. He’s one of the biggest rock musicians of all time, he’s hooked up with some of the hottest women of the late 20th century and was caught having sex with David Bowie (which is actually way less embarrassing than his turn as a bad guy in the Emilio Esteves thriller “Freejack.”).

But there is one thing that Mick also sidelines in and apparently, that job is being a cum rag. Sure, most people just use a crusty old towel or sock or some Kleenex, but Mick is so giving. If you want to, you can cum all over him.

The image of a cum-drizzled Mick Jagger is pretty nasty, but if it catches on, I’m pretty sure Steven Tyler will appear twice as cum drenched within the next year.

I'm A Monkey! I'm a Man!

2010-04-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

I had so much fun with “Start Me Up” last week that I decided a change was in order. I’m changing R. Kelly Fridays into the new and improved Rolling Stones Fridays. The Stones are my favorite band and have plenty of nastiness to draw upon. And R. Kelly, well, it was increasingly becoming like shooting fish in a barrel. We get it, Robert, you are going to fuck someone until they got pregnant. So, I’d like to say, “Bye, Kells. It was fun while it lasted. We may meet again one day.” And, “Hello to Mick, Keith and the boys. I love you so much that I can’t wait to ridicule you.”

Also, I’d like to take a moment to direct you to a worthy cause. My friends at Adult Swim Central are holding a fundraiser from Friday night to Saturday morning for Oral, Head and Neck Cancer. If you have time and can spare a few dollars, please check them out here: http://www.adultswimcentral.com/SwimAgainstCancer/

In the meantime, I highly encourage you to fan the site on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, or even check out my new homepage. And we’re still taking emails here at disgustinglyrics@gmail.com. I have no shame and I will whore it for anyone. Thanks to everyone for reading. I probably would have given up a long time ago without all of your support. Thank you for continuing to read.

Disgusting Lyrics of the Day 54: Captain Jack by Billy Joel

2010-04-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

“Your sister’s gone out, she’s on a date. You just sit at home and masturbate,” Billy Joel, Captain Jack

Some things go good together: Peanut butter and chocolate. Salt and Pepper. Ebony and Ivory (living together in perfect harmony). But Billy Joel and Masturbation go together like bleach and my eyes.

Masturbation is great. In fact, if I’m working at home, I may jerk off like three or four times a day. But hearing Billy Joel talking about spanking it makes me suddenly ashamed to own a penis. Thinking about the Mr. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” playing with his boner may just be the most un-erotic image possible.
I don’t have a sister, but if I did, I sincerely hope that my masturbation habits weren’t tied into her dating habits. Because if she had a date everytime I masturbated when I was high school age, she was probably a gigantic slut.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 53: Life Is Real (Song for Lennon) by Queen

2010-04-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

"Guilt stains on my pillow. Blood on my terraces. Torsos in my closet, shadows from my past. Life is real...Breast-feeding myself, what more can I say?" – Queen, Life is Real (Song for Lennon)

Surely when Freddie Mercury walked through the gates of heaven, John Lennon was standing there, waiting with his arms crossed, eyebrow cocked, a heavenly iPod next to him softly playing "Life Is Real." "You want to explain this?" he probably said. To which Freddie presumably struck a pose and belted out an impromptu call-and-response scat with the members of Marshall's 1970 Thundering Herd football team.

Apart from that, how would you explain why your tribute to a recently departed, beloved fellow musician was a confusing laundry list of unpleasantness, including "torsos in my closet," and "guilt stains on my pillow?" Had they shared an interest in callisthenic masturbation and dismembered murder-trophies?

I like to think that when the Central Park Strawberry Fields Memorial was being constructed in '85, Yoko Ono sat down with the designers and discussed whether to make "torsos in my closet" or "breastfeeding myself" the centerpiece engraving before deciding to compromise on simply "Imagine."

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 52: Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond

2010-04-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

“Honey's sweet, but it ain't nothin' next to baby's treat,” Neil Diamond, Forever in Blue Jeans

Neil Diamond thinks his girlfriend’s pussy tastes better than food. Seriously, I have spent half an hour trying to figure out what the hell else he could be talking about. Nothing else makes sense. Hell, the whole damn song doesn’t make sense.

After talking about his girlfriend’s delicious vagina, Neil says, “If you pardon me, I’d like to say, we’d do ok forever in blue jeans.” Sorry, I can’t pardon you for that Neil, because I have no clue what in the fuck you’re talking about. That might be because I still have the image of your sequined blouse on the floor while you lap up some trim. Obviously, the girl takes her jeans off at some point so you can get to her baby treat.

Side note: No one could possibly wear jeans every day. In the summer, I like to wear shorts so my balls can get a sense of the breeze. Just thinking about wearing jeans to the San Diego Comic Con has made my sack turn to Silly Puddy.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 51: Do That To Me One More Time by Captain & Tennille

2010-04-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

“Do that to me one more time. Once is never enough with a man like you. Whoa! Do that to me one more time. I can never get enough of a man like you,” Captain & Tennille, Do That To Me One More Time

This song may well be the filthiest thing I have ever put on this blog. Sure, The Captain fiddles around on his little keyboard and everyone sounds chirpy and happy and Toni Tennille looks pretty and wholesome, but you would be hard pressed to find anyone that would read these lyrics and not walk away thinking it was about the Captain grinding out some sweet, sweet Muskrat Love on top of Tennille, sweat dripping in torrents off of his Captain’s hat.
I mean, this song should straight up be called, “Do me one more time, I still have a little horny left in me.” If Lil’ Kim put out a song called “Do That To Me One More Time,” Bill O’Reilly would be calling for her head. But here’s the thing, this song kind of gets a pass because the music, rhythm and phrasing makes it sound like the most boring, fall asleep, missionary position, I-have-a-bad-hip-so-go-slow sex ever performed. I mean, the song makes me want to sleep. No wonder Toni wants it one more time. If I had sex at that snoozy pace, I would want it at least one more time too.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 50: Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones

2010-04-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

“You, you, you make a grown man cry. You, you make a dead man cum.” The Rolling Stones, Start Me Up

The Rolling Stones are old as hell. In fact, Keith Richards has been clinically dead for years, but the lady in “Start Me Up” still makes him ejaculate zombie dust.

This whole song is like an old man’s cry for help. “Please, if you just are able to start me up, I swear I can finish the task at hand. Also, I may cry or cum on you, so watch out down there.” What does Mick want this woman to start exactly? Getting him hard? That would kind of make sense because this song was made in 1981, long before Mr. Jagger would have had viagra. Still, this is pretty much one of the best songs ever made about grizzled old English men pawing at you and never stopping. So, basically it’s about Jerry Hall.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 49: Reverse Cowgirl by T-Pain

2010-04-01T13:12:00.001-07:00

“Told 'em like the feds, take a picture, I don't give a fuck. We can do it anywhere, even in my Caddy trunk,” T-Pain, Reverse Cowgirl

Making love in the trunk of a Caddy has to be one of the most intimate experiences in a person’s life. It’s pitch black and boiling hot in there, which can only lead to asphyxiation or the much maligned wrong-hole-penetration technique. And hey, if you need lube, chances are, you can just scoop a handful of grease off the tire jack and smother your naughty parts with them.

Some people talk about having sex on the beach or making love in a field of flowers. But none of that compares to straight up fucking on an old donut tire. It’s ribbed for your pleasure.

Site News

2010-04-01T08:01:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone.

I am in lovely California and have not had the best access to the internet. The site may be running slow or late for a few days and I want to apologize in advance. Hopefully, you'll stick around and we'll make some miracles happen in the next few days.

Love and kisses,
Merrill

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 48: Poop On Face by Le Sexoflex

2010-03-30T17:00:00.001-07:00

"You've got poop on your face and a burger in your butt." Le Sexoflex, Poop On Face

What can I possibly say about this song? These people are eating backwards, but I think that is how they like it.

If I had a burger in my ass, I hope it is a Krystal burger. Small, compact, soft and greasy, with no red condiments, Krystal is the perfect ass burger. Plus, they tend to wind up sliding out twenty minutes after you eat one anyways. The burger I would least like in my ass is a Baconator from Wendy's. All that crumbly, jagged bacon in my soft parts would make poop on my face the least of my problems.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 47: Shake Your Bon Bon by Ricky Martin

2010-03-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

“You’re my Mata Hari. I wanna know your story…Up in the Himalayas, c’mon I wanna lay ya. We’ll go around the world in a day,” Ricky Martin, Shake Your Bon Bon

Asses get called stupid things everyday. But comparing a butt to a chocolate with cream filling is about the dumbest thing ever. Who doesn’t want to dance to the image of a sticky, melty ass that has been pumped full of Ricky Martin’s cream? Just swirl that dribbly thing around the room, spewing unimaginable liquids on everyone?

The Mata Hari lyric, by the way, turned out to be prophetic. Mata Hari was a famous stripper who was accused of being a double agent in World War I. See, the French thought she was a spy for France, but it turned out she was secretly a German spy the whole time! She never committed to what team she was playing for and it led to misery for all involved. Thankfully, Ricky finally revealed what team he plays for today. I am very happy for Mr. Martin and sincerely hope that he enjoys life as an out person. And I also sincerely hope that the national assault on our ears that started with Menudo and ended with La Vida Loca has come to an end. Shake whatever bon bon you want. Just stop singing out loud about it.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Banging the Headboards

2010-03-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

“Baby, hold the pillow tight. It’s about to be a wild night. Squeak in the bed, and we’re gonna make the walls bang. Squeak in the bed, and baby girl I hope that you can hang. Ooh, Ooh! Those are the sounds we’re making when we bangin’, bangin’, bangin’ the headboard.” R. Kelly, Banging the Headboards

Did R. Kelly perform at a high school for the deaf and blind a while back? Because that is the only reason I can think of why he would explain what his sex sounds like to his partner is if she’s deaf. Everyone who at least has an internet connection has a pretty good idea of what sex sounds like.

And why is he slamming her again and again into the headboards? That can’t be fun for her. Can’t you move her long ways against the bed? I mean, you’re rich, I’m assuming you have something bigger than a twin bed. Hell, just take her to the bathroom. That’s where you’re gonna end it by pissing on her anyways.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 45: I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd

2010-03-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

“Let me take off all your clothes. Disconnect the phone so nobody knows. Let me light a candle so we can make it better. Making love until we drown.” – Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You Up

You can light a candle. You can get out satin sheets. You can even obtain a velvet cum rag. But nothing will make drowning to death while you are fornicating any better.

In fact, I can think of many reasons why that might be the worst way to die. Someone is eventually going to find your dead bodies intertwined. It can’t be very fun for them to pry two dead waterlogged fucking people apart. Plus, in your last moments, you may wish to think of your family or friends, and not hoping that you can finish up quickly before you’re condemned to eternity with everlasting blue balls.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 44: The Lemon Song by Led Zeppelin

2010-03-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

“Squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg. Squeeze it so hard I fall right outta bed.” - Led Zeppelin, “Traveling Riverside Blues” and “The Lemon Song”

Did you notice that there? That this is actually in two songs by Led Zeppelin? To give credit where credit is due, Robert Plant is actually paraphrasing a line sung in the original “Traveling Riverside Blues” by Robert Johnson and evidently even Johnson may have borrowed it from another songwriter. So, just to recap, three men have been fond enough of the lemon penis to put it to music, Robert Plant perhaps the biggest lemon penis enthusiast, as he includes it in two recorded songs (naming one of them after it) and throws it into some other songs’ live versions as well.

And apart from being disgusting, comparing your penis to a lemon is just unflattering. Even within the world of fruit it’s a poor choice. I know if my penis in any way resembled a lemon, it would be the kind of thing I’d discuss in hushed tones with a doctor, maybe weighing some surgical options. I certainly wouldn’t immortalize it in song.

We chose to feature “Traveling Riverside Blues” because of Plant’s hilariously unnecessary addendum: "I wonder if you know what I'm talking about." Robert, if the woman who’s giving you rigorous, vertigo-inducing handjobs doesn't know what you're talking about, she's either a minor or belongs in a mental institution and we recommend that you break off the relationship right away. Stop thinking with your lemon.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 43: Blah Blah Blah by Ke$ha

2010-03-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

“I don’t really care where you live at. Just turn around, boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat. Just show me where your dick’s at.” – Ke$ha, Blah Blah Blah

This song raises a lot of questions, like, ‘Why does Ke$ha have a dollar sign in her name,” or “Didn’t we just get enough of this girl with the very similar sounding ‘Tik Tok’” and “Holy hell, are all of Ke$ha’s songs going to be about how she’s a drunken whore?” It also makes you ask, “How many places can a guy be hiding his dick at?” But bitch, you can just stow your questions aside. Ke$ha just wants that dick.

And you are totally in luck. Nothing is as good as a sloppy, drunken sex from someone who does not care who you are and has little clue as to what’s going on at the moment. The song is called “Blah Blah Blah” which is what Ke$ha hears when the guy says, “You’re so skanky, I probably better double bag it.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 42: We're All Alone by Boz Scaggs

2010-03-22T17:30:00.001-07:00

“Long forgotten now. We're all alone, we're all alone. Close the window, calm the light and it will be all right. No need to bother now. Let it out. Let it all begin. Learn how to pretend.” Boz Scaggs, We’re All Alone

This song has always creeped the ever living shit out of me. Boz Scaggs has the name and voice of a muppet. But not like a cuddly, furry Muppet. More like a Dark Crystal-holy-shit-this-is-going-to-permanently-scar-5-year-old-me Muppet. It doesn’t help that the song has a lot of weird fantasy overtones. Caves and waves and old roses and seas and shit.

These lyrics are the perfect description of a raping by candlelight. Seriously, this could be the most romance novel version of a horrible crime I have ever heard. No one remembers you, no one else is around, so don’t even bother because we’re all alone. So let it all out. You might want to pretend about something else, because here comes the raping of a lifetime. And then we’ll listen to the waves lap at our heels right before I get my knife out for round two.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Pregnant

2010-03-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

“Until I met this girl in the club with an unbelievable booty. Sweetest girl in the world and I mean it and on top of that she’s a cutie…Never felt nothing like this. She’s more than a mistress, enough to handle my business. Now put that girl in my kitchen. Girl, you wanna make me get you pregnant.” – R. Kelly, Tyrese, Robin Thicke, Pregnant

R. Kelly has found a girl with a hot ass. And on top of that, she’s actually presentable. So no need to put a bag over this one’s face before you pound her from behind. In fact, she looks good enough that R. is willing to let her cook meals for him. He may even knock her up with one of his kids!

Every girl dreams that one day, when she’s 15, she’ll have an ass nice enough for R. Kelly to notice her. So then, she can stay home and crap out babies for him and cook him Hamburger Helper. But don’t get too attached. Because soon, you’ll be 18 and he’ll be moving on to the next chick whose ass hasn’t collapsed from the weight of carrying his death seed.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 40: Midnight Oil by Barbara Mandrell

2010-03-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

“And tonight I’ll cheat again. And tomorrow I’ll feel sorry. And I’ll feel kind of dirty, ‘cause I’ll have the midnight oil all over me.” – Barbara Mandrell, Midnight Oil

I really hope that Barbara’s “midnight oil” is not what it sounds like. Because what it sounds like is that she was in the middle of a group of dicks and she’s been showered with a gallon of jizz all over her. I mean, I’ve heard of “burning the midnight oil.” I’ve also heard that the “early bird gets the worm” but if I said I had a throat full of worm this morning, it would have a whole different meaning.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 39: Ceclia by Simon and Garfunkle

2010-03-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

“Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia, up in my bedroom. I got up to wash my face. When I come back to bed, someone’s taken my place. Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart. You’re shaking my confidence daily.”
-Cecilia, Simon & Garfunkel

You got up to wash your face? You may want to go ahead and take a full shower there, champ. While Simon & Garfunkel made a habit out of taking bold subjects and attaching them to catchy songs, (the happy drug-induced bullshit of At the Zoo, the stark cynicism of Hazy Shade of Winter and I Am A Rock, don’t even talk to me about Feelin’ Groovy) they never really sounded cool doing it. Cecilia has the uncomfortable feel of two summer camp counselors singing in rounds for the young campers while giving each other hand jobs.

Yeah, it all sounds like fun and games, the kind of whacky thing that might occur in one of those American Pie movies, but at the heart of it you have this love-struck guy having sex with the object of his affection and in the time it takes him to do some post-coital grooming, some other dude has got his dick in her. And it was the 70’s, so you just know that shit was unprotected. Sure this kind of thing might be acceptable in say, a free-love commune, but we all know that anyone possessing anything approximating human emotions should avoid communes at all costs. And that’s obviously not the case here, as the narrator shows in the head-scratching bit of understatement about his shaken confidence. And it is that mixture of dejection and patheticism that makes this lyric not only disgusting, but sad and disgusting. Well done.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 38: 99 Problems by Jay-Z

2010-03-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

“Once upon a time not to long ago, a ***** like myself had to strong arm a hoe. This is not a hoe in the sense of having a pussy, but a pussy having no God damn sense to try and push me.” – Jay-Z, 99 Problems

Jay-Z is one of the wealthiest and most admired rappers of all time. He’s married to Beyonce, co-owns the New Jersey Jets and founded Rocawear. But sure, he still has problems. He has ninety-nine problems. A bitch isn’t one of those problems, but one of them is his definition of hoe.

Make no mistake, when Hova called you a hoe, he doesn’t mean you have a vagina. That would be kind of offense, so please please please don’t think that. What he is actually calling you is slang word for a vagina. Not the “C” one. The one that you can sometimes get away with using, but not if your wife is in a bad mood or sober. So, please, take no offense. You are not a woman who sells the use of her genotals for money. Just a gigantic vagina that has gotten your hot drippy nastiness in Jay-Z’s face. And that is what he has a problem with.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 37: Smells Like Funk by the Black Eyed Peas

2010-03-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

“You know we was coming before we entered the door, cause you could smell the rhyme when we was walking down the hall. We bring the funk worse then a wet dog. Stinking like fat ladies shitting out logs. We drop enough shit to keep them toilets clogged. Keep the people jumpin' like them bullfrogs.” – The Black Eyed Peas, Smells Like Funk

The Black Eyed Peas were not joking when they said they wanted to get retarded (in here). They may have overshot how dumb they wanted to get though, because these lyrics seem like the kind of thing a fourth-grade-class-clown-who’s been-held-back-two-years might say when he really wants to bring the heat.

I can’t say I’m surprised to learn that the Black Eyed Peas stink. The pictures of Fergie peeing her pants on stage would lead me to think that they had a sour, kind of acidic, left-over milk smell. But I was way wrong: they apparently smell like a fat lady shitting out logs. We have no clue what the fat lady ate, but it is solid logs, so I am guessing she did not just run from the border. The Peas drop enough shit to keep toilets clogged and outside of toilets, they drop enough shit to keep the Billboard chart clogged because they were in the number one spot for 17 weeks in a row with 2 different songs. That’s like a third of a year. Holy shit.
How in the hell did this band get so popular? They are willfully stupid, singing about poop and humps and getting retarded. And yet, Corporate America laps it up because the Peas have had sponsorships from 3 Musketeers, Blackberry, Honda, Levi, Candies and Verizon. It’s like each song is a little gem. No, more that, it’s like individual pieces of shit falling out of a fat woman’s ass. The kind that smell like wet dogs.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Echo

2010-03-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

“And when you need a break, I'll let you up, I'll let you breathe, wash your face, get something to eat. Then come back to the bedroom and I'll be waiting for you right there, baby. I'll be waiting there to fuck like crazy…wanna hear you echo.” R. Kelly, Echo

R. Kelly is a generous lover. When most people just keep banging away until their lover asphyxiates, Robert lets his young lady take a deep breath and wash all the sweat, jizzim and horribly evil shame off of her face.

But even though Kells is generous, don’t think he’s super nice. He is waiting to fuck you like crazy. And since we know this man has already peed on people and married and hooked up with underage women, his crazy is a totally different crazy than your crazy. His crazy might involve sticking live lobsters into your butt hole. But that’s just Kells. That’s just the way he roles. And this mother fucker wants to hear you echo.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 35: Softer, Softest by Hole

2010-03-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

“Pee girl gets the belt. Your milk makes me mind. Your milk is so sick. Your milk has a dye. Your milk has a dick.” Hole, Softer, Softest

Did she just tell me my milk has a dick? Courtney, Courtney... Long before she was letting young strangers suckle on her teats in public (see Kofi Asare), Courtney Love was disturbing us with lyrics about milk, or something like that. We’re going to go ahead and assume that this is a clumsily worded allusion to the money shot (a common obsession without which this site just wouldn’t exist) as opposed to a lyrical warning that there’s a penis floating in your cereal. If so, it is a bold new way to say things, like telling an unfortunate accident victim, “ooh, it looks like your gangrenous wound has a leg on it,” or “there’s a lot of leg falling up from your blood pool.”

Either way, it certainly is poetry. And how about the pee girl? The one that gets the belt? Actually, I heard her introduce this song in an acoustic performance (found it on YouTube) by saying “This is a song about the girl that always smelled like pee in your class.” I have to admit that I’m not sure I had one of these girls in any of my classes. Then again, it was hard to smell anything over my dyed dick milk.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 34: The Pill by Loretta Lynn

2010-03-10T14:51:00.001-08:00

“This incubator is overused, because you've kept it filled. The feelin' good comes easy now since I've got the pill.” Loretta Lynn, The Pill

Here’s a sexy proposition: Do you wanna hook up with this lady who’s had a boat load of kids? Just babies falling out of her every 11 months or so. What if I sweeten the deal by telling you that she’s comparing her lady parts to an old, overused chicken incubator? Pretty sexy now, right?

I have never in my life heard someone so excited to be on birth control pills. Look, birth control pills are awesome for any number of reasons, but seriously, there are tons of other things you can do, like use a condom, or a diaphragm, or a vasectomy, or hell, how about just plain old pulling out? Instead, Loretta wants you to know you can shoot protein bullets at her all night long and she ain’t gonna get preggers! Yee haw!

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 33: Slide It In by Whitesnake

2010-03-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

“I can see what you're looking for. I know what you want from me. And I'm gonna give you more. I'm gonna slide it in, right to the top. Slide it in, I ain't never gonna stop. I'm gonna slide it in, slide it in, Slide it, in baby.” Whitesnake, Slide It In

David Coverdale, the singer and lead songwriter for Whitesnake, has never been accused of being subtle. Although Coverdale never says what he’s going to slide in, what the hell else could it be? His Capital One credit card into an ATM?

It’s not even that he wants to slide his white snake into her Tawny Kitaen. It’s how he wants to do it that’s pretty gross. The first thing this song makes me think is that I really hope they have Astro Glide or some lube, because it sounds like someone is going to have chafing. Repeatedly sliding it in and never stopping is not sexy. It just sounds tiring and repetitive. Kind of like listening to a Whitesnake album. Hmm. And by the way, Coverdale, I’m pretty sure that there has never been a girl who has begged for just the tip. Everyone wants it to the top.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 32: Finding Out True Love is Blind by Louis XIV

2010-03-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

“Ah, chocolate girl, well you're looking like something I want. And your little Asian friend well, well she can come if she wants. I want all the self-conscious girls who try to hide who they are with makeup. You know it’s the girl with a frown with the tight pants I really want to shake up. Hey, carrot juice, I wanna squeeze you away until you bleed.” – Louis XIV, Finding Out True Love is Blind

True love may be blind, but Louis XIV is not. But the good news is, if you happen to be black, Asian, white, vanilla, self-conscious, smart, mad or dumb, the band Louis XIV is willing to fuck you.

This song is like the menu to an All-You-Can-Eat Sex buffet. What woman hasn’t dreamed of having her identity whittled down to “little Asian friend”? I kind of love that red haired women are called Carrot Juice, but I’m still kind of scared about what and how he is squeezing until it bleeds. I am hoping it is just some unfortunate backne. So long story short, ladies, if you are of some ethnicity and also are in possession of a vagina, and are willing to have sex that is perhaps best knows as opening for The Killers, you may want to head to a Louis XIV show.

Louis XIV - New Music - More Music Videos

A Small Child Dies and Week 7 Begins

2010-03-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

Welcome to week 7 of Disgusting Lyric of the Day! I am shocked that we made it this far, considering that I have a panic attack at every day around 5 about what the next lyric will be.

I want to thank everyone for following us, and remind you that you can also follow me on Twitter (@MerrillHagan), friend us at Facebook or send in tips to me at DisgustingLyrics@gmail.com. We love hearing feedback, especially because this thing is cranked out in a lonely room. So, is there a song or a genre you think we need to cover more? What do you think about R. Keely Fridays? Are you ready for a switch-up? Tell us what you are thinking!
And again, if you like the blog, please repost us or recommend us, either on Tumblr or to your friends. We do this because we are whores for attention. So please, help us whore ourselves out as hard as we can, ok, daddy?

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Rock Star

2010-03-05T14:38:00.000-08:00

“I'm telling you now the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing. Rocking to this guitars about to have me crowd surfing. Kells'll put on a show up until they close curtains. Then right after the show, back stage, your ass hurting.” – R. Kelly, Ludacris, Kid Rock, Rock Star

Welcome to the Holy Triumvirate of STDs, bad liquor and poor choices. R. Kelly and Kid Rock joined forces, somehow tricking Ludacris into teaming with them. I would have to imagine that there is not a ton of overlap in any of their fan bases, meaning that the ideal groupie for this concert would be a 17 year-old blonde trailer park girl with a gigantic ass who also likes a splash of pee with her groupie sex. I am not sure there is any line that is more of a turn off than “the way we fuck is going to lead to child birthing.” It’s almost like a PSA that says, “Hey, you may think you want to hump R. Kelly now, but in nine months, all you’ll have to show for it is a fatherless baby, herpes and pictures of Kid Rock putting his little Joe C. in your mouth while R. Kelly puts his evil inside you from the back.”

But at least, R. Kelly shows at least some concept of science at the beginning of this lyric. Yes, Robert, unprotected sex can lead to the birth of a child. But I have to assume you have been engaging in anal sex, since this girl’s ass hurts, and I am fairly certain you can’t have butt babies.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 30: I Gotcha by Joe Tex

2010-03-04T16:05:00.001-08:00

“You made me a promise and you’re gonna stick to it. You shouldn't have promised if you wasn't gonna do it. You saw me and ran in another direction. I'll teach you to play with my affection. Now give it here. You never should have promised to me. Give it here, don't hold back now. Give it here. Don't say nothing just give it here.” – Joe Tex, I Gotcha

This is probably the giggliest, happiest, funkiest song ever about a man raping a clearly terrified woman. Literally, nothing in this song makes Joe sound like a good person. When the girl in question sees him, she turns and runs in another direction hoping to escape. I have done some fucked up shit in relationships, and yet, no woman has ever turned and ran away when she saw me. In fact, most of them want to stick around so they can slap me and tell me off. At least Joe was able to catch up to this young lady and explain the way he’s feeling. You know, while he’s holding her down and forcing her to “give it here.”

Still though, this song is so awesome and infectious, I have to admit I sing along with it every time I hear it. Especially when I am raping.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 29: Free-For-All by Ted Nugent

2010-03-03T15:43:00.000-08:00

“Well, looky here, you sweet young thing, the magic’s in my hands. When in doubt, I whip it out. I got me a rock ‘n roll band; it’s a free-for-all. Ooh, baby, yeah, it’s a free-for-all. Ow! Suck it.” - Ted Nugent, Free-For-All

Rock stars. While this particular lyric typifies the shameless lack of effort many a rock star will put into getting laid, it has a unique quality in that Nugent makes a bald-faced admission of what’s going on. “I got me a rock ‘n roll band.” This would be like Colin Hanks going to an audition and, instead of playing his part, simply saying, “I’m Tom Hanks’s son.” And then pulling his dick out of his pants. Which may be exactly what he does and who’s to say it isn’t the honest thing to do?

Nugent also notes - “when in doubt, I whip it out.” Now, not only does this imply repeat instances of showcasing his penis, but it also implies that this was not a sure thing in his head. And what could have been going through the sweet young thing’s head? Let’s imagine: “How did I end up talking with Ted Nugent? He must see that I’m not attracted to him. Oh my god. Oh my god. He took his dick out of his pants. He’s holding it. Oh god, he just called it his “magic.” I’m going to throw up. Somebody help me. Oh no. Oh... Oh my god. He just told me to suck it. I’m going to cry. Help. Somebody please help.”

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 28: Back to Black by Amy Winehouse

2010-03-02T13:29:00.001-08:00

“He left no time for regret. Kept his dick wet with his same old safe bet.” Amy Winehouse, Back to Black

Amy Winehouse and sex go together like peanut butter and herpes. Look, Amy, the dude banging you may have seemed to left with regret, but he just got it on with a cracked-out, scabby cokehead. I am sure he has plenty of regrets. If not emotional ones, probably physical ones. Especially when the bumps start showing up.
Keeping your dick wet is probably one of the grosser euphemisms for sex I’ve ever heard of. Especially because Amy looks like all the fluids dried out of her a long time ago. Seriously. She looks like an extra dehydrated stick of jerky in a wig. I get itchy when I look at her. Any wetness from her would be from accidentally ripping the scabs open.

Amy Winehouse - Subterranean - MTV Shows

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 27: Miracles by Jefferson Starship

2010-03-01T15:04:00.000-08:00

“I had a taste of the real world when I went down on you, girl…When I pluck your body like a string, when I start dancing inside you. Oh baby, you make me wanna sing” Jefferson Starship, Miracles

When I was growing up, my mother was an accountant in an Engineering Office. I usually spent a large chunk of my summers hiding in their offices, drawing pictures of Batman on scraps of blueprints lying around, listening to the Lite radio station that was pumped into the entire office. It is no exaggeration to say that I heard this song at least 4 times a week. And now that I know what the lyrics are, every childhood memory I have is tainted. What is plucking a body like a string? Is that ripping out all of your body hair? Or like a really vigorous fingering? Because I am pretty sure I don’t want to picture any of those things. And I especially do not want to picture any of the middle-aged engineers my mom worked with doing that to each other.

The worst part is obviously tasting the real world. Jefferson Starship had Grace Slick in its lineup. Any song that combines her with the thought of cunnilingus is already evil. But the thought that eating Grace Slick out would suddenly make you see the world with new eyes rings somewhat true to me. Because if I ever came face-to-vagine with her, I would assume I would have to invent a whole new life because I would trash everything that came before. Because everything that brought me to that moment was wrong. I could never look at friends or family in the same way again without a sense of overwhelming and all consuming shame and sadness.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Number One

2010-02-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

“This is number one sex that we’re having here girl. You better ask somebody. Can’t nobody do it like us. Can’t nobody mix chop and screw it like us. All over the living room hitting it like us.” R. Kelly, Number One

Oh man, R. Number one sex? What in the hell is number two sex? Actually, you know what, I am pretty sure I don’t want to know anymore. What I can’t understand is why a man who’s been accused multiple times of peeing on underage girls would release a song about Number One Sex. We all get it, Kells. You like to pee on people.

The rest of the song also fails to make any sense. You better ask somebody about if you’re having number one sex? What in the hell does that mean? Who is she going to ask? The guy who’s filming it? I know what the best sex I ever had is and I never had to ask anyone about it. I was there. I already know. Also, I don’t know of any sex moves requiring you to mix chop and screw it, but I am not sure I would want my penis involved in any kind of mixing or chopping scenario.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 25: Animals by Nickelback

2010-02-25T15:23:00.000-08:00

“I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth. Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch. It felt so good, I almost drove into a ditch,” Nickelback, Animals

Animals is the disgusting story of Chad Kroeger, the Man-Collie of Nickelback, and his attempts at having sex in a car with a teenage girl, both of whom apparently blow. First of all, I can hardly stand to look at Chad Kroger’s face. The very idea, no mater how unlikely, that I could be driving down the road and accidentally see him having sex in the car next to me is enough to make me want to telecommute for the rest of my life. Although, I do wonder if the canary yellow, overly shaggy carpet matches the frizzed out, Lassie’s ass looking drapes?

Anyways, Chad snickers that his girlfriend is trying to talk with her mouth full. Of his penis. Look, Chaddy...first of all, don’t flatter yourself. You’re a gangly blonde Canadian. I am sure there was plenty of left over room in her mouth for talking. Oddly though, the idea of you having a car accident while having a blow job is oddly appealing to me. Probably because there would be penis related trauma that could severely impact your ability to inflict a Chad Kroeger Jr on us in twenty years. But also because it would not only hurt you, but could also hurt people who would willingly have sex with Nickelback, a category of people that need to be eliminated from the planet.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 24: Work It by Missy Elliot

2010-02-24T14:49:00.000-08:00

“Call before you come, I need to shave my chacha. You do or you don't or you will or you won't cha. Go downtown and eat it like a vulture.” Missy Elliot, Work It

Hey, if you’re thinking of going to Missy Elliot’s house for a booty call, give the girl a pretty good head’s up because she is going to want to shave all the pubes off her cooter for you. Because who doesn’t like a body part just as it’s freshly shaven and raw and bumpy. I hope that’s not too big a turn off, because she wants you to spend a lot of time face first down there. Specifically, she wants you to go down on her just like a bird that rips the meat off of the bones of dead animals. Just stick your horrific beak in there and rip her apart. Who hasn’t seen footage of vultures eating a dead gazelle and thought, wow, I wish I had that kind of shear destructive power directed at my most sensitive places.

Sorry Missy. You are awesome and I love you. But this line is gross. There’s no sly innuendo, just eat it. And apparently tear and swallow it.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 23: American Bad Ass by Kid Rock

2010-02-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

Who knew I'd blow up like Oklahoma? Said, “Fuck high school,” pissed on my diploma. Smell the aroma. Check my hits. I know it stinks in here, ‘cause I'm the shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” Kid Rock, American Bad Ass

The majority of American Bad Ass is just a list of artists that Kid Rock idolized, including The Rolling Stones, Johnny Cash, The Beastie Boys and Run DMC. Oh, and I almost forgot, he also professed his love for Limp Bizkit. Guess whose influence you can hear the most of in Kid Rock’s work? (Hint: It’s the really stupid one.)

Every portion of this song is idiotic. The reference to the Oklahoma Bombing was edited out on MTV and the radio. I’m not sure why. Nothing is more bad ass than an explosion that kills innocent people set by some lunatics with some vague point. Also Bad Ass? Not caring about an education! As dumb and caveman-like as all this crap is, it’s almost passable until Kid Rock says he’s the shit. Look, the phrase is stupid, we’ve all used it, everyone’s guilty. But Kid Rock is the first person to make it feel like literal shit. You can vividly feel every hot, greasy, yellow turd in this thing. And you know that Kid Rock has some nasty shits. The man is like a walking KFC commercial.

Kid Rock - New Music - More Music Videos

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 22: Father Figure by George Michael

2010-02-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

“ Just for one moment, to be warm and naked at my side. Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me. But something tells me together, we'd be happy. I will be your father figure,” George Michael, Father Figure

This song starts off with a tone that is dripping in intense sexuality. It’s almost as if Sade and Prince had a baby and that baby is going straight for the button fly on your 501 jeans. But much like George Michael in a public bathroom, when it gets to the actual sex part, it’s not especially well thought out, kind of disgusting and could have been done with a lot less embarrassment to all parties concerned.

I don’t want to be judgmental here, but I am pretty sure that a lady who is looking for a father figure in a sex partner might not be the most mentally stable person of all time. My father gave me five dollars a week to mow the yard, take out the trash and whatever the hell else he needed me to do. Occasionally, he beat the shit out of me and he also signed my report cards. One thing we never were, though, was warm or naked together. Hell, I can’t (or won’t) even imagine my mother being warm or naked with my father. The only way this song could get more creepy is if George Michael’s offered to be your “Uncle Bad Touch figure.”

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: I'm a Flirt

2010-02-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

“Your old lady look at me, ‘cuz you ain’t hitting it right. She probably used to like you ‘cause you the business type. That’s until I came along and put some dick in her life. Wanna see?” – R. Kelly, T.I. & T-Pain, “I’m a Flirt”
R. Kelly is a flirt. He’s also a man that has repeatedly hooked up with underage girls and allegedly pees on them. But he is also a flirt. You won’t believe this, but Kells and I have way different definitions of what being a flirt is. Flirting to most people is maybe a suggestive line, telling a funny story and maybe buying a drink. But in this song, R. has greatly expanded flirting to also include fucking other people’s wives and his girlfriend’s friends. So, unless you want to see what the inside of the local Public Health Clinic looks like, never ever let R. Kelly flirt with you.
Luckily, T.I. has tagged along on this flirting adventure to tell us why it’s so easy to get with your girl. As it turns out, you have been having sex wrong and your girlfriend is in need of dick in her life. Dick, by the way, is the most common thing to find on this planet. If you are a woman and the thing you most need is dick, you have done something horribly wrong, because most guys will just give you dick for free. Even when you don’t want it, they will still want to give it to you. If anything, most people suffer from a dick surplus. Just go to chatroulette. You can see at least 8 dicks within 10 minutes. And if that’s not enough dick, T.I. will happily show you the video he made of him banging your whore girlfriend.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 20: Back in the Saddle by Aerosmith

2010-02-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

“The girls are soaking wet. No tongue's drier than mine. I'll come when I get back.” – Aerosmith, Back In the Saddle

Poor Steven Tyler. This lyric is an ode to a man who has no luck. Every girl around him is so turned on that they are literally soaking wet. It should be easy to get laid in such a moist atmosphere. But poor old Stevey. No tongue is drier than his. Literally everyone else is getting more than him. And if you have ever seen Steven Tyler’s massive lips, it is hard to believe that the tongue inside that saliva filled cavern has ever been less than damp. But there it is. He is so put off that he won’t even bother to have sex now. Steven will just come when he gets back, thinking about what all of the luckier fellas have been up to. Nothing like sloppy seconds.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 19: Little Red Corvette by Prince

2010-02-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

"I guess I must be dumb because you had a pocket full of horses – Trojans and some of them used. But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it alright, you say ‘what have I got to lose?" - Prince, Little Red Corvette

What have you got to lose? What have you got to lose by sleeping with a woman who has used condoms in her pockets? Where exactly do you draw the line? Because I think it would be less disturbing if the lyric was “She’d taken a dump in her pants, but you know, it was Saturday, so I banged her anyway.” Shitting yourself is gross and all, but at least there could be an explanation behind it. Carrying used condoms around, on the other hand, is just hygienically unacceptable and psychotic.

Okay, the song, which is a cover by tribute band Purple Reign, is embedded below, but it could become a dead link soon. Prince tends to be less forgiving of intellectual property thievery than he is of personal choices, like whether or not to stockpile other peoples' ejaculate on your person.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 18: Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5

2010-02-16T16:20:00.001-08:00

“Does it kill? Does it burn? Is it painful to learn that it’s me that has all the control? Does it thrill? Does it sting when you feel what I bring?” - Maroon 5, Harder to Breathe

Somebody has some weiner issues! There’s a lot of questions in this lyric from Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine, and God, I hope there are a lot of multiple answers. Because right now, this thing reads like an ode to the Predator of cocks. Judging from the back half of this thing, it sounds like some skinny kid wants you to know that he’s bringing the thunder between his legs. He’s telling you that he has a giant rod and that you are going to feel it. And oh yeah, it’s going to be thrilling. The first half though, also sounds like some weird penis power trip, but by someone who has no clue about what anyone interested in sex would be into. “Does it kill? Does it burn?” God, I hope not. Killing, burning penises are powerful, but in a so fucking sick who would ever want to hear about kind of way. This thrilling, burning, giant dick is like Godzilla. Sure, it’s thrilling and in charge and some people survive it, but most people in Tokyo would just as soon rather it stayed under the ocean and never reared it’s head in the first place.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 17: Doug Fieger Tribute

2010-02-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

“And it's a teenage sadness everyone has got to taste. An in-between age madness that you know you can't erase. ‘Til she's sitting on your face. It hurts!” – The Knack, Good Girls Don’t

The Knack start their song innocently enough. There are certain things that are universal to everyone and looking like a loser to the opposite sex in high school is one of those things. And if you don’t know what they’re talking about here, fuck you. I think I speak for the whole world when I say, get back to your current job selling used Chryslers, you self-assured piece of shit that made everyone miserable when you were 17.

So, we’re in this sweet, looking-back frame of mind, when suddenly, the song takes a weird detour. I am no prude, but I do think there are certain human activities that no matter how normal or fun they are, can never be portrayed in a way that is not revolting to anyone else. Sitting on someone’s face ranks right up there with butthole play and threeways in the category of things that may be fun and even sexually satisfying, but will make you sound like a total perv when you talk about them. Rhyming “face” with “taste” is totally not helping. And then, what the hell is up with the “It hurts” line? Is it the teenage sadness that hurts? Or is it the sitting on your face? Because, as off-putting as the lyric is, no one feels bad for a guy who is in pain because he has a teenage girl putting her fresh young lady parts on his mouth.

R. Kelly Fridays!!!: Ignition (Remix)

2010-02-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

“Now it's like “Murder, She Wrote” once I get you out them clothes. Privacy is on the door, still they can hear you screaming more. Girl, I'm feeling what you feeling. No more hoping and wishing, I'm about to take my key and stick it in the ignition” – R.Kelly, Ignition (Remix)

Why in the hell is it “Murder She Wrote” when R. Kelly gets this woman out of her clothes? If you’re girlfriend’s naked body is comparable to the saggy and wrinkled Angela Lansbury, you have serious problems, R. Kelly. Especially because you tend to seek out teenagers. Or is it ‘Murder She Wrote” because having sex with you is like watching a mystery show that was so flaccid, millions of elderly people chose to fall asleep to it’s dulcet writing? I hope you’re not saying it’s “Murder, She Wrote” because she’s screaming like she’s being murdered. Because, Robert, I know there’s supposedly a thin line between pleasure and pain, but it’s not really that thin. By the way, comparing your penis to a key is gross. Yeah, it’s stiff and it goes in a hole, but a key is also incredibly crooked and grimy. And, it’s usually in my pants and I instinctively handle it a few times a day. Wow, maybe penises and keys aren’t such bad comparisons after all.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 15: Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind

2010-02-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

“She comes round and she goes down on me. And I make her smile, it's like a drug for you, do ever what you want to do, coming over you…Those little red panties, they pass the test. Slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress.” – Third Eye Blind, Semi-Charmed Life

Semi-Charmed Life is the fucking worst. It is easily the worst song from Third Eye Blind, a band that could charitably be counted as among the worst bands of the late nineties which was easily the worst decade for music in the twentieth century. And yet, this fucking awful song, by Third Eye Blind lead singer Stephan Jenkins, was everywhere. It’s a little poison pill that hides in a ton of 90’s movies, just to let you know what two-year-window this film was relevant in. Hell, it was in “The Tigger Movie.” Not bad for a song about some filthy meth heads having scratchy, grimy meth sex with each other.

Where to even start with this horrible song? Stephan Jenkins’ girlfriend comes over and blows him. That is about as much detail as I need in any description of any sexual act that does not personally involve me. And yet, Stephan continues to describe cumming over his ladyfriend. Which is not too surprising. Meth heads give the best blowjobs because they have no teeth. Just pure gums. But later, Stephan intriguingly says her little red panties pass the test. What test? The test to see if there is something that can cover and hide his meth addicted girlfriend’s hideous bony, pimple-ridden ass? But, the test really doesn’t matter, because ol’ Stephan is soon sliding those panties on up to her belly. Normally, we’d say this is physically impossible to pull panties up instead of down for sex, unless they were crotchless panties, which is really just too disgusting for words. But then again, these are meth heads we’re talking about. He may have just banged her through the panties. It’s not like he was feeling anything anyways. At least the girl ended up face down so when she finally passes out, her semen-and-meth-filled vomit will drain away, absolving her of the possibility of choking to death on her own sick.

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Disgusting Lyric of the Day 14: Mama by Genesis

2010-02-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

"So get down, down here beside me. Oh, you ain't going nowhere. No, I won't hurt you mama. But it's getting so hard...oh!" - Genesis, Mama

Let’s get this out of the way up front: I have always found men calling their girlfriends or wives “Mama” disgusting. Unless you have a woman’s young child immediately next to you, calling her Mama is the equivalent of saying, “You remind me of a woman I really love but legally cannot have sex with. So, let me live out my foul fantasies with you instead.” I have never been called “Daddy” by a lady, probably because I never dated a Hispanic woman, but mainly because it would make my penis turn irrevocably limp. This song is creepy enough to begin with, what with the laughing and weird keyboard and Phil Collins gigantic scary forehead, but Phil gets really crazy at the end of this verse. He’s not going to hurt you, Mama, but it’s getting so hard? Is it getting too hard not to hurt her? Because that is really messed up. There has ever only been one person with a good excuse about why it is hard not to hurt someone and that person is Edward Scissorhands. He wants to love you, Winona Ryder, but his fingers are sharp scissors. As awful as abuse is, we really hope that is what this song is about. Because the only other option is that the thing getting too hard is Phil Collins’ peen. And the idea of Phil getting blue balls from his turgid Sussudio is too disgusting for words.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 13: Squeeze Box by The Who

2010-02-09T15:39:00.000-08:00

“She goes in and out and in and out and in and out. She’s playing all night and the music’s all right. Mama’s got a squeeze box, Daddy never sleeps at night.” – The Who, Squeeze Box

The Who are a band that is renowned for their sheer energetic performances, influential musical concepts and their terrifying ideas about what’s sexy. Sure, comparing coitus with the in and out of an accordion gets the whole pumping angle across, but what a horrific image. Accordions are played by three types of people: Insane gypsies, fat polka dudes and Weird Al Yankovic, none of which should make anyone think of anything remotely sex-related. Accordions also have the unfortunate appearance of looking like a scrote sac, one of the most un-erotic pieces of flesh available on a human body. Seriously, bend over and look at yourself from behind in a mirror tonight and wonder why anyone would ever have sex with something that has that connected to it. But if the whole idea of polka-sound-tracked, grindingly repetitive love doesn’t bother you, here’s something that might. You see, Pete Townshend wasn’t writing about nubile, young lovers monotonously pumping all night long. He’s talking about Mama and Dad. Yup. Dad’s work problems and stress? They're caused by your nympho mom who will not let him stop banging her. And it’s not great sex either. Oh, it’s “all right.” But, the old lady ain’t banging out Beethoven up in here. Congratulations, The Who. You have written a whole song about the explicit details and noises of parents having sex, which is about the least sexy thing anyone can imagine at any time ever.

Disgusting Lyric 12: Lightning Crashes

2010-02-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

"Lightning crashes, a new mother cries. Her placenta falls to the floor." – Live, Lightning Crashes

Before they were making bloated, pretentious songs that no one paid attention to, like 1999's laughable "The Dolphin's Cry," the band Live was making bloated, pretentious songs that you couldn't escape, no matter how hard you tried. The nation was under a spell, and businessmen in cars and children in waiting rooms were singing along with Ed Kowalczyk as he whisper-sang intensely about spilling afterbirth on the floor.

There are a lot of things to witness there in the delivery room - the first sight of the head, the doctor saying "it's a girl," the joy on your wife's face when she finally gets to hold her child in her arms - and if you're Ed Kowalczyk, apparently you think, "I'm gonna go write a song about the stuff I saw falling out of her vagina afterwards."

Here, check out the disgusting video, where they even give you a drop of watery blood to help you imagine it. But you should imagine it more like a huge, mucusy gray raisin, cause that's more what it really looks like. Hey, don't thank me. Thank Live.

Disgusting Lyric R. Kelly Friday! : Same Girl

2010-02-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

“We’ve been messing with the same girl. She’s the apple of my eye and my potential wife. Same girl. Man, I can’t believe we’ve been messing with the same damn girl.” – R. Kelly and Usher, Same Girl

This song is so disgusting on so many levels. Any girl that has been sleeping with both Usher and R. Kelly is, at this point, probably a chemical toilet, filled with enzymes and bacteria not seen by the likes of human kind. You’d have better luck making love to the Alien and still keeping your penis than coming anywhere near this monstrosity. And if R. Kelly is saying that this girl is his potential wife, she’s also probably around 15 years old. The proof that Usher and R. Kelly discover about them sharing the same girl is also ridiculous. She has a tattoo on her ankle, works at TBS and likes Waffle House? Well, that narrows it down to about 145 people. The only thing that is truly surprising is that R. Kelly and Usher would be this upset about having sex with the same girl and had not already both banged her simultaneously.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 10: Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman by Bryan Adams

2010-02-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

“You’ve got to breathe her, really taste her, until you can feel her in your blood. And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman.” – Bryan Adams, Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman

Bryan Adams may be best known as a singer-songwriter who gave up all credibility in the nineties so he could sing songs for really crappy movies about old action heroes. And just like the movies he sang for (Robin Hood, Three Musketeers and Don Juan De Marco), none of these songs are especially well thought of these days. You have to breathe and taste a woman to love her? What in the hell does that mean? What are you breathing and tasting exactly? You know what, Ol’ Craggly Face, I don’t want to picture you putting your mouth on anything. I’ve “tasted” ladies in my day, and they kind of all taste the same: not great. If it was a good taste, they would make “lady” flavored candy. But no wants to taste that if you’re not getting anything else out of it. By far, though, the most disgusting lyric is seeing an unborn child in her eyes. What in the hell? Did you just unload on this woman’s face, dude? Not cool. Not cool at all. Bryan Adams may also be the first man in history to be turned on by the idea of his unborn children. No other man has ever been aroused by the idea of making a baby. Sure, the actual baby-making part is great, but the idea of creating a baby out of that is not that erotic. If you want to get your husband to immediately crawl off of you, just say that you want him to put a baby inside of you. It will stop any sex from happening for days. Trust me.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 09: Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band

2010-02-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

“Oh, you come crash into me and I come into you. Hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me. In a boy’s dream.” – Dave Matthews Band, Crash Into Me

If you were white and went to the college in the nineties, you probably had at least one friend who wore a hemp necklace and American Eagle cargo shorts who swore Dave Matthews was the best thing ever. That friend has now porked up and is living in the suburbs, where he is working on his third kid and his fourth viewing of The Hangover, but still listening to DMB on Easy 98.5. Even going past the really inane come/cum lyric, this song is seriously gross. Is Dave Matthews calling this lady’s vagina her world? Look, I love vaginas, but in the geography of a woman, a vagina is like South America. It’s a totally awesome continent with really fun things to do and it is sometimes dangerous. But South America ain’t the whole world. Believe me, you want to also spend time in Asia and Europe. And if you’re adventurous, maybe go back to Africa. But even after this whole, let me drive my seed in you because your vagina is the whole world lyric, Dave makes it even more disgusting. In a boy’s dream? Why are you dragging little boys into this, Dave?

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 08: Stuck On You by Elvis Presley

2010-02-02T15:45:00.001-08:00

“Hide in the kitchen. Hide in the hall. Ain’t gonna do you no good at all. Cause once I catch ya and the kissing starts, a team of wild horses couldn’t tear us apart.” – Elvis Presley, Stuck On You

This song was Elvis’ first recording after he was released from the Army and clearly, poor Sgt. Presley came back a changed man from his time in the armed services. Elvis’ message with this song is that he is never going to stop chasing you down. Sure, you can say you want him to go away, but he is going to stick. Like glue. You may want a moment alone, but you ain’t getting it. You’re going to be like one of those creepy couples who are comfortable pooping with the bathroom door wide open. So, the man is clingy. That could be livable. But then, Elvis tells his girlfriend, hey bitch, it’s no use hiding. Go anywhere the hell you want. The kitchen, the hall, the basement, your parents’ house, the set of Two and a Half Men. It doesn’t matter how desolate and unpleasant a place you go, he will find you. He’s like the T2 of date rapists. And a team of wild horses, your sorority sisters and a security guard couldn’t tear him off.

We Have to Go Back

2010-02-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

Hey, did you know we have a Facebook page? You should totally be our friend on Facebook if only because I check our friend count like a deranged lunatic, hoping for the ticker to go up notch by notch. Also, there is a picture of my dog up there because I am an incredible loser. You can check out all that fun by clicking HERE!

Also, thanks so much for helping to get the word out. I am thrilled that we are picking up steam, and I am incredibly grateful for the people who have posted about the blog on their Facebook statuses, user groups and twitter. And I will be your best friend if you help spread the word, too. Cross my heart.

I also want to thank people for all of the song suggestions. I have been really happy that you guys are contributing too. And to my one persistent follower, I swear we are getting to Dave Matthews soon. Some of you guys have been suggesting genres too. What do you all think? Too much pop? Not enough rap? Country? Limp Bizkit? Just kidding. Those guys are douches (except you, Wes). Let us know your thoughts and comments, either here or at the Facebook page or at our email: disgustinglyrics@gmail.com.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 07: All I Want to Do is Make Love to You by Heart

2010-02-01T14:45:00.001-08:00

“And in the morning when he woke, all I left him is a note. I told him, ‘I am the flower. You are the seed. We walked in a garden. We planted a tree. Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare. Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there.” – Heart, All I Want To Do Is Make Love to You

Welcome to the song that ruined Heart. Any awesomeness from “Barracuda” is outweighed by the sheer volume of shittitude from this turd fest. So, for those of you following along at home, Ann Wilson finds a drifter shuffling around in the rain, throws him in her car, takes him back to a hotel and has sex with him so she can have a baby. Sounds like a really awesome plan! What could go wrong from having unprotected sex from a drifter? He probably has really awesome genes you want to pass along to your children because there’s no chance he’s mentally unstable! So, Ann has her way with this dude and leaves this insane note. Is Ann the flower or is she the soil? Is she the soil, and her vagina is a flower growing from her lady soil? And the dirt clod they buried from which the tree grew her womb? It's all very confusing. At least he’ll always be in her memory. And his drifter herpes will always be in her blood.

Disgusting Lyric R. Kelly Friday! : Sex In the Kitchen

2010-01-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

Sex in the kitchen, over by the stove. Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls. Hands on the table, on your tippy toes. We’ll be making love like the restaurant was closed. – R. Kelly, In the Kitchen

R. Kelly starts with a kind of normal situation. He wants to have sex in the kitchen. Sure, it’s kind of unappetizing and God knows what the hell R. Kelly is going to do with buttered rolls. From what I have heard, he seriously has a problem with warm, golden liquids. And yeah, it’s potentially a health hazard, especially if you put your sensitive areas on a place where you were recently handling raw chicken. Still, as gross as an idea as a salmonella-filled vajayjay is, this is pretty mild territory for an R. Kelly song. Until he suddenly mentions, by the way, let’s do this like no one else is in the restaurant. So…R. Kelly is having sex in the kitchen of a packed restaurant? Forget nobody seeing you, R., I don’t want your love juices anywhere near my Riblets Basket. This is one reason why I never eat anywhere you can’t see exactly what is going on in the kitchen.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 05: Summer Girls By LFO

2010-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

“Do you remember? Do you remember when we met that summer? New Kids On the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick.” – LFO, Summer Girls

Hey, Rich Cronin, the lead singer of LFO, wants to know if you remember him? He was that guy who was really, really into “The Right Stuff” and “Step By Step”? Not ringing any bells? Maybe this will jog your memory. He was also that guy who had insane diarrhea after you went to the Golden Buddha? Remember now? He kept running to the bathroom after his Sweet and Sour Pork? That guy who had that faint whiff of sickness and feces on him? He shat blood? Well, he totally remembers you, girl, and Ol’ Poopy wants to know if you still wanna knock them boots? We’re guessing no.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 04: Turning Japanese by The Vapors

2010-01-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

“I want a doctor to take your picture so I can look at you from inside as well.” – The Vapors, Turning Japanese

The Vapors were an English band that existed way back in 1980, a much more innocent time where you could write outlandishly racist songs about other cultures with complimentary racist gong tones accompanying it. Yes, other races certainly do look different and act differently than white people! The Vapors lead singer/songwriter David Fenton mostly just sings about looking at a picture of his missing girlfriend. And then, he pulls out this little couplet making you wonder why the girl is missing in the first place. You want to look at your girlfriend’s insides? How in the hell is this sexy? Who the fuck wants a picture of the inside of a person? This is straight up Jack The Ripper territory. Look, I’ve been married for a long time now. I have never once thought, I wonder what the inside of my wife’s duodenum looks like. Hell, I don’t even want to know what my insides look like. You can find porn on any subject, shape or size. You can see every square inch of the outside of a human body. The outside! No one wants to see the insides, you creepy serial killer. Also, please never buy an animal.

It’s Not a Memo, It’s a Mission Statement

2010-01-27T14:11:00.000-08:00

Hello, Internet World. Welcome to the fourth day of Disgusting Lyric of the Day. I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself and this blog. My friend (and future site co-writer) and I love music. Specifically, shitty popular music. We’re going to be making fun of a lot of songs, some we love, some we hate. My pledge is that we will have new content every weekday sometime between 5 – 8 PM. So, check it at night or check it in the morning. It will be here waiting for you and for free.

All I ask in return is that if you like the blog, come back and see it again. And if you really like it, spread the word to your friends. Just shoot them an IM or a Facebook notice. They don’t want to be working anyways. And if you really really love what you’re reading, click on one of these ads so we can make a little cash. We are not above admitting we are professional whores.

And finally, what do you guys think of the name “Disgusting Lyric of the Day?” We are not totally married to it. This is all new for us too. Thoughts? Leave them in the comments! And finally, a lot of you guys have said you have an idea for a disgusting lyric. If you have a lyric that you have always hated/loved, send it to our brand new email: disgustinglyrics@gmail.com. Thanks, for reading!

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 03: Tonight's the Night by Rod Stewart

2010-01-26T15:13:00.000-08:00

“Spread your wings and let me come inside.” – Rod Stewart, Tonight’s the Night

Rod Stewart is famous for many things, like being awesome in the seventies and then being awful for the rest of his life. Rod’s also known for having his stomach pumped after swallowing Richard Gere’s gerbil, who then himself had to have his stomach pumped for swallowing a gallon of Elton John’s semen, which is an awful lot of semen for a gerbil. But Mr. Stewart is probably best known for having hair like a frightening bird creature that one might see in an 80’s era Jim Henson fantasy film. Which helps make this line even more disgusting. Birds have legs they walk on and wings they fly with. So how do wings translate to legs exactly? Is Rod having sex with some hybrid bird-human type creation that only he can communicate with? Because no human has ever had sex with another human after basically saying, “Spread your legs, because I’m about to get all up in there.” But Rod doesn’t just want to sex up this foul birdthing, he wants to full on shoot a load inside of it. Every time you hear this song, try to not think of Rod hip deep inside of Big Bird, lost in the throes of a lusty romance.

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Disgusting Lyric of the Day 02: Your Body Is a Wonderland by John Mayer

2010-01-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

“One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain. One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue.” – John Mayer, Your Body is a Wonderland

John Mayer is incredibly good looking, a funny talk show guest and a soul-crushingly boring musician. Also, judging by “Your Body is a Wonderland,” he is apparently dating a freak of nature. The young Mr. Mayer’s lady friend has some horrible skin complexion that makes her normally elastic skin seem like the same substance I eat my dinner off of. Who hasn’t dreamed of having their complexion being compared favorably to the creepy porcelain Precious Moments figurines. The lucky lady in question also has candy lips. They taste great and you can rip them off for a quick after-sex snack. But by far, the most disgusting part of this lyric by Mr. Mayer is the bubblegum tongue. Where to even start? Who hasn’t looked at a wad of chewed up, flavorless Bazooka and thought, “Yes, this is what my girlfriend’s tongue is exactly like. In fact, I would like her to drag this sticky, formless substance across my nether regions.” That is exactly why millions of teenage boys jerk off with a mouthful of Big League Chew in their hands. Congratulations! You’re not dating a woman, John. You’re fucking a candy dish.

Disgusting Lyric of the Day 01: The Good Life by Kanye West

2010-01-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

Have you ever popped champagne on a plane while getting’ some brain? Whipped it out, she said, ‘I never seen Snakes on a Plane.’” – Kanye West, The Good Life

Kanye West shows his mastery of time and place by setting the scene with intense detail. The listener is asked to imagine Mr. West on an airplane, opening and drinking a bottle of fine French champagne while a young lady is performing fellatio on him. Which, while probably wildly disturbing to the other passengers on the aircraft, fits the song’s theme of living the “good life.” And then, Mr. West places his penis in as a character in a late-period Samuel L. Jackson film. West presumes a fatal flaw here: While comparing your penis’s power to Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction would be acceptable, comparing your penis to a slimy animal that tries to kill Samuel L. Jackson with its teeth is just disgusting.